To whom it may concern,

I thought about us today. About how we were going to sit on some wrap around porch drinking sweet tea out of mason jars and watch our kids and dog play. Yes, we are having at least one dog. I thought about how in our younger years we will take the kids to church in the morning, even though you'll complain it is too early, you will always get up with me and go through the struggle of getting them ready because you know how important this Sunday morning ritual was to me growing up. I thought about the nights we are going to spend together, after everyone is asleep, drinking whiskey or wine or anything we can get our hands on, and happily entering the haze that sometimes come with those drinks. And we will sit down stairs, or in our room, talking, laughing, becoming close again. You will ask me to dance on those nights, on any nights, in our living room, at a restaurant, in the park, because you know that I love dancing even if I'm too shy to ask. We will go on date nights together as often as possible, because you know how important it is to me that even after children we keep our relationship first. It sounds selfish, but you know it isn't. You know that I want our kids to see love, because that is what they will grow into.
You'll kiss me every time before we part, even if it is only for thirty minutes, and every night before we go to bed. There's a statistic that proves men who do this live longer, so you know it is just because I'm trying to help you live a healthier life. And even when we are older and it's just the two of us, we will still hold hands in the car, and drive down dirt roads with the windows down singing George Strait or some other country artist. People will see us out in public, arms intertwined together, like all the elder couples I see now a days, and they will want what we have. And who could blame them.
If either of our memories start to go, we will remind each other of our love every day, of our story. And I will remind you what time your favorite show is on simply by turning on the TV because I know you hate it when I act like I know everything, even if you can't remember my name sometimes. And you, like you have done for years, will drag me outside at 2 am for the meteor showers, every single one of them, because you know how much I love them, even if I forget.
Even at the age of 70 you will go to any doctor appointment with me if I'm getting a shot because you know I'll need a hand to hold. And when we go to the zoo, you always stay by the elephants with me until the end of time because even though you know I love them, you also know I have a deeper, meaningful relationship with them. And when we go on walks you'll go ahead of me to clear a path between the geese and ducks because you know that ever since that one bite me all those years ago I've been terrified of them.
And sometimes we will go down to the lake, the river, the pond. We will sit there, watching the sunset or sunrise over the water and skip rocks, which I'm horrendous at. We will take trips to the lake, where even though I grew up on the lake you will still have to teach me how to drive a boat, a task you find simple. And you will always be patient with me, and I will always be patient with you, but I promise I will always be impatient as well. Something you will love and hate.
We will make homemade gifts for each other, we will do our own housework, and you will condone all of this because you know how important it is to me to keep things to simply and classic. And sometimes you will bring home flowers, just because. And you will know that while roses are nice that I love daises and wild flowers, and while you could buy them, I like when they are picked. It isn't because we are cheap, although we probably wont ever have much money, but it's because wild flowers are pure. Like us. We will love each other, and when things aren't easy we won't throw away our relationship, but work to fix it. Just like your grandparents did. But I don't have to tell all of this to you. Because you know, or you will. Wherever you are you know.

--Inspired by Sadie Lewis--

Falling in Love Again

Your first love is a feeling that you never forget, it is hard to explain. You pour your heart, your soul, into the relationship, into the other person. You jump into the relationship with recklessness, not afraid of what you might hit on the fall, what you might hit in the end. You leap, tumble, and throw every bit of yourself into this first love because you have every bit of yourself to do just that. You do it all with out looking.

But this isn’t about first loves; it’s about the second, the third, the fourth, and the tenth. It’s about all the times you try to fall in love after that. Because falling in love the first time was different, it was effortless, one moment you were looking at the person and you realized that you loved them, and that was it, you didn’t think about how bad it hurt the last time you were in love and it ended, the first time didn’t have a last time. The first time you fell in love you hadn’t had to change the radio station to avoid listening to a song that may make you cry because of it’s emotional connection to your last love, you hadn’t had to get rid of everything that reminds you of them. By the time you start to try to fall in love again you are missing pieces; you aren’t who you were the first time. You’ve been hurt, you’ve been in love and it ended. You jumped without looking and the collusion at the bottom hurt a lot, and how many people I ask would jump without looking again after that?

That’s why falling in love again is different than the first time. You are more careful. You give yourself more slowly emotionally, and perhaps faster physically. Because now you know the beautiful, nauseating, whirlwind of love. You know that something’s can get in between love, that it isn’t invincible like we like to think.

When you fall in love again, it is different, it is hard to explain. Unlike the first time you truly fell in love, you are now doing it all over again knowing that it could hurt, you could shatter. The first time you gave yourself away in love unused, you were fully you. The second time, the third time, the fourth time, you give yourself away you’ve been through a lot, not just in love but also in life. You have baggage, the other person has baggage, and you have to learn to love despite that. You can’t love as fiercely, for fear of breaking, you love more gently.

The next time you fall in love it will be a feeling that you never forget. It is so hard to explain, you will still jump, tumble or fall but it will all be so different. 

-- Inspired by Thought Catalog--

Change

 "Only when the most innocent part of you suffers can there be change." 

We find heartbreak when we are suffering. We find pain, tears and sorrow. But we find strength when we are suffering. We find our friends, family and ourselves. What brings us pain can vary, from internal or external sources, at some point in life something attacks the weakest, most innocent, part of us and we wallow in that pity. Some of us want to fight back, to scream, some of us want to change and grow. To be the person we have always wanted to be. 

Lately I've made a series of mistakes. I could talk about how I want to take them all back, but I feel like that is a given. I spent time wallowing in how bad I felt, how upset I was, until I realized that there was a more proactive way to get through this. To come back from this. 

The quote that I used at the beginning of my blog comes from a miniseries called the Hatfield's and McCoy's that was on the history channel. I was watching it one night with my boyfriend, and the quote just stuck with me. Of course, a few days later the quote was very relevant to my life.

 "Only when the most innocent part of you suffers can there be change."

When we are suffering, we want to change, we want something to be different, we want to be happy. Right? I know I do. But staying weak, acting like you had nothing to do with your suffering, acting like there is nothing you can do to change it, is pathetic. I realize that it is time to change. It is time to be the person I want to be, have always wanted to be. We fall in a cycle, not realizing the people we could hurt or disappoint, and I don't know about you, but I don't want to be that person anymore. 

We all make mistakes, but only some of us accept the responsibility, only some of us change. You may not like yourself after what happened, but you can find yourself. You can become a better you. I know that's what I want to do. It's what I wish I had done long ago.

If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? What will make you do it?