You Will Miss

The moment they go you already miss them, that's what makes them leaving so hard. Knowing you won't see them again, knowing they won't ever know how you feel, knowing that you are left with the memories, left in that spot where they said good bye, even if you move.
You'll miss the way he asked you to scratch his back and sit right in front of you blocking the T.V.
You'll miss the way she cried every time you had to say good bye even though it made you uncomfortable.
You'll miss how long it took him to respond to your text messages causing you to worry, but at least eventually you got a response.
You'll miss the way her alarm woke you up every morning at 6:30 AM, when you didn't have to be up till 9.
You'll miss his snoring that caused you to move down the hall to sleep and you will resent that moment for the rest of your life knowing you missed out on countless nights together.
You'll miss the way she always wanted to cuddle, despite the heat, despite her cold, and despite your headache.
You'll miss dancing in the garage, making dinner together, celebrating birthdays and grieving together.
You'll miss going on late night drives and going down to the docks. You will miss your friends laughter when you fell in the pool full clothed, and you will miss how she always bugged you to come out at night.
You'll miss all these moments, not the ones when you slept plenty, or got to watch your T.V. show and finish your homework early. You'll miss the moments that even though you were angry, upset, tired, nervous, scared, happy, sick, excited, you'll miss the moments that you were there with each other, those moments you created.
People walk in and out of our lives every day, by choice or by force. By changes in life, or causes of death. And that's the funny thing, once the people we love are gone, we would go back to any moment of time we had with them just to get them back. The moment you were fighting in the car, taking a nap in the middle of the day, or even the first moment you met. The moment they are gone you miss everything that made you love them, made you hate them. You miss everything about them and you are left with nothing of them.

"I had fooled myself into believing that every time I added another notch to my bedpost I had opened myself to the possibility of love, but that was bullsh*t. I can easily look a man in the eye and ask him, “Do you want me?” while I stroke him and press myself against his chest, but how the hell am I supposed to ask him, fully dressed and standing in line at Target, “Do you want me?" I suppose it’s not about “easy” anymore."

--- Elephant Journal

I think we forget you choose to be happy. You choose how you pick yourself up, how you move on. You choose those who surround you based off of how they make you feel, and if you have people around you who make you feel anything less than happy, chances are you don't need them. There are times when you don't choose what happens to you, when you can't control something, but you choose how you deal with it. You let yourself sulk for a few days and then get back out there.
If this summer has taught me anything it is that we aren't invincible. Not every day is a for thing. To me, it is once we realize how fragile life is that we truly start living. I don't mean becoming afraid of the world, I mean realizing that any given moment tragedy can come upon you rather you are in your car, in a movie theater or in your house. With this in mind, I started to make a bucket list. I've made them before, however, I wanted to make one more realistic, one with things on it that I truly wanted to do.

1. I want to sky dive. More than anything, I want to know what it is like to be at the mercy of a stranger, to fall through the sky and to jump out of a plane. 
2. I want to bungee jump somewhere amazing. I looked into this and this might come as a shock to some of you, but the Midwest doesn't have the best places for bungee jumping. 
3. I want to see one of the seven wonders of the world. For a teacher salary seeing all 7 is just too much. 
4. I want to noticeably make a difference in someones life. 
5. I want to experience love at first sight. I've come to believe I'm a hard person to fall in love with and then to continue to love, but this goal isn't something I need to happen to me exactly. I want to see it, or hear two people who have been together for over 30 years tell me it happened to them. 
6. I want to own a horse. 
7. I want to teach until I can't anymore. 
8. I want to go to every state. 
9. I want to visit a shoe tree. 
10. I want to get married 
11. I want to have kids. 
12. I want to have a puppy, preferably a husky or a bulldog.
13. I want to have a boat and live by a lake. 

That's all for now, but I'm sure I'll add to it later. 

What Falling In Love Gets You

This is what you get for falling in love. You get to be obsessed, slightly nauseous, like you’re on speed but better because the comedown doesn’t happen for a long time. You get to have something or someone to look forward to, something more than a new episode of your favorite TV show on your DVR. You get to have the privilege of knowing someone beyond their tweets or stupid, ridiculous Facebook. You get to know what turns them off, what turns them on, what makes them yawn with indifference. You get to know that their dad is an asshole and that their mom was once sick with cancer and that things are sometimes strained between them during the holidays but then they all get drunk and it’s okay for a little awhile. You get to know someone beyond the context of going out and getting drinks. You get to know someone at 2 o’clock in the afternoon on a Sunday when they look like shit and are totally boring to be around. Like, they’re just watching TV and they feel no pressure to entertain you. They’re just being who they are and you’re there to witness it. It is dull but it’s also, in its own way, exhilarating.
You get to share your life with someone and invite them to participate in the most arbitrary decisions of your life. “Chicken or fish tonight?” “Vodka or gin?” “Doggie style or missionary? “Baby or no baby?” You get to be inspired to be a better person, to be the type of lover who knows how to really care for someone. You should want to protect them from everything that’s bad. You don’t want to be the thing they need to be protected from. No no, they’ve already had that, they’ve already been burned. You want to be the best partner, an antidote to all the other lackluster ones they might’ve had in the past.
You get to know that if you ever died alone in your apartment, your body would be discovered shortly thereafter. It wouldn’t be left to decay and ultimately be found by your landlord. You get to know that you really affected someone’s life. You left an indelible mark. They will never be the same after you. They will cry, cry, cry in your absence. It all sounds so morbid but, I don’t know, it feels so nice knowing that you have the ability to leave someone grief stricken once you’re gone.
You get to go on vacations and screw all day in some hotel room. You get guaranteed sex, the kind of sex that you know and love and are sometimes bored by but it’s okay because you love them and a little boredom never hurt anybody, right? You get to drink too much at dinner and have someone put you to bed. It’s better than passing out alone, isn’t it? You get to see new things with a partner, revel in fresh experiences together, Instagram photos of you two smiling near a waterfall and be too in love to worry about being cool. Only single people have time to care about maintaining the perfect internet persona.
You get to be a goddamn brat. You get to push the wrong buttons and kick and scream, and trust that you won’t be penalized for it. You get to test their patience away, run them against the wall, be an overall insane crazy person, and still be forgiven.
You get to say no. You get to say yes. You get to say screw you. You get to be okay. You get to be safe. You get to be in love.

-TC

It was hard not to consider where you were at that moment, what you would have been doing. When we call someone, we’re inevitably poking our noses unexpectedly into a life that is very much in the process of being lived. They’re out at a bar, they’re having a serious conversation, they’re watching a movie. There is something going on that you are now interrupting, and though it’s not a crime to tap them on the shoulder, the moment you walk into changes everything about the conversation. I thought of how embarrassed I would be if you had picked up with sharp, shouted bar talk filling the room behind you. If you were surrounded by friends, by opportunity, by everything that I didn’t want to think about — how would I talk to you? You telling me, “I can’t hear you, can you speak up?” with your friends laughing in the background, and me doing what? Telling you I’d call you later? That couldn’t be the context of my call.
Why am I calling? I’m calling because, though the inevitable silence following your “Hello?” that necessitates a breathless explanation on my part makes my palms sweat and stomach turn, not calling is no longer an option. The percentage of my days spent thinking about what would happen if I spoke to you, if I reached out, if I said something, now greatly eclipses the time spent where you don’t cross my mind. What was once an itch at the back of my brain, an amusing what-if that was never supposed to be acknowledged, is now an all-consuming need to confirm that, regardless of what direction life has taken you in, you are still familiar of the path that led you there. You know, the one that included us, together, as something that we cannot smother with the passage of time. I guess calling you to say hello, to even confirm that you still exist with that same voice and the “hmm” I can hear when you smile through your words, is more necessary than it is uncomfortable.

What I wanted to tell you was how damaged I am. I wanted to tell you where that scar was from, why I don't walk over grates, why I change the radio every time that song plays.
What I wanted to tell you was I fall apart often and in private. I wanted to tell you my past haunts me, my present makes me happy, and my future frightens me. I wanted to tell you I'm a lot stronger than all the things that have made me weak, and that I don't do things for you, but for myself.
What I wanted to tell you was nothing is ever like what it seems. I wanted tell you that you had only seen the tip of the ice burg, and the monstrosity that is below will shake the foundation of my life.
What I wanted to tell you was that I wish you had been there. I wish you had come to me and held my hand, and that I hadn't had to sit alone and wait. I wanted to tell you that I've thought about it so many times, how different it would've been if you had been there. I wanted to tell you that I know you would've been if I had known you.
What I wanted to tell you is you deserve better. I wanted to tell you I adore the way you still make me nervous and the way you still hold my hand, I wanted to tell you I'm afraid I'll never be what you want, what you need. I wanted to tell you I love you.
What I wanted to tell you happened 9 years ago. I wanted to tell you the way it hurt me, the way it hurt my relationships with people, the way people ignored it. I wanted to tell you why I worry about my future children and why things are the way they are.
What I wanted to tell you was something I only ever told one other person. I wanted to tell you one of my biggest secrets, one that literally unraveled me and I'm still picking myself up. I wanted to tell you these things because carrying the burden alone has become a lot.
What I wanted to tell you was that it's what you aren't saying that is speaking the loudest, and what I wanted to tell you was that I can't take the screaming anymore.

Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you moved me. The way that no matter the time of day I could find you in the littlest of things. A random rhythm in nature, a melody on the radio, the way there didn't need to be sound for you to creep up in my mind.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you held me. When no one else seemed strong enough to protect me while I crashed down, when no one else seemed gentle enough to keep me from cracking. You always had the right type of nurture, the right tone to fix what was breaking inside me. You always had the perfect way of helping me shine in my brightest moments.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you let me express myself. There was never any set pattern with you. You let me be spontaneous, you let me plan every move down to the second, you let me ignore you for days and then let me use you for hours with out ever getting moody.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you were always there. Through ups and downs you never let me down. Sorrows came, and for years there were many, and at 2 am I could rely on you to make it better. Happiness happened and you were always there for me in my kitchen, my room, in the hallways.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you encouraged me. The way that you told me to try one more time, even after seventeen. I'd be covered in bruises and sweat and tears and you always had an encouraging word that would make me want to try again. You always saw more in me than I ever did in myself. I've missed that more than anything.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you kept me. You kept me sane, you kept me fit and you kept me happy. You taught me how to control myself, how to keep myself and once I learned I let you go, in ways I never meant to. I got so busy, keeping myself, you slipped away unnoticed. And then today I heard that song, that melody, that silence, and I thought of the ways you've changed me, the ways I've missed you and I guess I just couldn't hide it.
I've missed you because you made me better, I'm jealous of those who still have you in their lives. You helped me create bonds with people I will forever have, you helped me be a better person, and I left you, ungratefully.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the Saturday ballet classes, the early morning rehearsals, the leotards, the shoes, the costumes, even the intoxicating hairspray. I miss the way you consumed my time, but you made me value everything more because of it. I have missed the way you taught me to move, from pointing my toes to the splits and leaps and turns. The way I was never going to be good enough for you but I was always going to be good.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed dance more than ever before.

Love and Be Loved

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.

This weekend I embarked on a trip to Tucson, Arizona for Kappa Alpha Theta Grand Convention, a trip that, as cheesy as it sounds, has forever changed the way I will look at my sorority. The first night we were there I sat in a room filled with over 700 of my sisters.  A room full of women, leaders, scholars, and beauty inside and out, and these women were my sisters. We spent the next few days talking about improving ourselves, congratulating each other on our many accomplishments, supporting each other in our difficulties and simply celebrating 142 years of sisterhood. I felt more love from strangers than I ever had in my life, from a simple “I’m a Theta too!” to a random girl hugging me in the elevator because my shirt said, “I need hug” with a picture of Dumbo. Tucson was overflowing with Theta love. And that became the theme of the week to me, love. A goal in my life is to love and be loved, because with that all things good are possible. But it wasn’t until this week I realized I looked at my goal in the wrong way. To love and be loved didn’t have to involve marriage, or a boy at all, I can achieve my goal, I can gain all things good, simply through my sisters.

On that note, my sister’s raised my standards gentleman wise. I had the privilege of sitting next to a remarkable woman, whose almost equally remarkable husband opened a 25,000 dollar scholarship in her name to help out her sisters who he knew she loved more than anything. So my new standard developed at that table: a man who not only appreciates my love for my sisters but tries to understand it. And while I realize men aren’t the only ones that can make us feel loved, I’m thankful that I have a life full of them that do.

 On Friday we had fun night, we danced and sang, but my night took a quick turn after a phone call that informed me one of my high school friends had passed away in a car accident. Not wanting to ruin others nights I waited to go inside until I got it together, but walking through the doors into the building and being greeted by two ladies from my chapter I broke down. Because we can’t seem to lie to our sisters can we? At a time where everything seemed wrong and upside down, and no one had the right words, I didn’t feel completely alone.

So, in conclusion, I won’t ever be able to find the words that will express how the past five days have changed me. How the people I have surrounded myself with in my life have impacted me, and how happy I am that on that day in September of 2010 I accepted a bid that quickly became one of the best decisions of my college career. Theta hasn’t only taught me to raise my standards, to help others and to be the best I can be at all times, it has taught me to love and be loved. Theta has brought me all things good.