To Understand Happiness You Have to Cry

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

I believe that it takes some bad to show us the good. This week my great grandma died. She was 98 years old. 98.  She has been in my life for 20 years, and I never realized how fortunate I was. A lot of people don't even meet their grandparents, but I had a great grandma who was an active participate in my life. She traveled to and from Wichita to see me on my birthday, on holidays, and she sent a card for almost every occasion. But until the point where she was no longer here I never realized how truly lucky I was. Isn't that how most things work?
When I was in 7th grade I entered this knock out contest (basketball for those that don't know this timeless game). The first few practice round I got my ass handed to me. I was awful, missed most of my shots and chased my ball down the court. But when all 10 rounds of the real game started I ended up getting 2nd place in the entire tournament (losing to my "boyfriend" at the time). In all sports, you have to lose to understand how good winning really feels.
You have to truly work hard for something to ever understand the value of it, like paying for college. I'm paying for mine and working for my scholarships and having to pay off my loans only makes me want to get the most out of my life now. Knowing that I have to work hard to attend such a great school makes me value and embrace the experience more.
In life we have to struggle, we have to lose, or lose something, we have to cry and fall, and bleed. But we have to do these things so we can experience the happiness, the pleasure, the laughing, the feeling of flying, and the way a band aid really can fix everything. Without the negative, the positive isn't appreciated as much.
Embrace the tears, embrace the smiles. Embrace life.

For A Lifetime

So when we look back on the times we shared
We can smile and say,
"I was at my best when I was with those people."

This will be cheesy. If I didn't write it I would probably get nauseous reading it. But I did, so I wont.
I believe in the power of sisterhood. I am in the social sorority Kappa Alpha Theta. We are coming up on your recruitment weekend (next week! Wish us luck!) so we have been spending ungodly amounts of time together. At my school you can't live in the house until your junior year, so building the bonds with your older sisters is hard. When I joined in September or my freshman year I wasn't sure this was what I wanted. I was always too nervous to go to the house, all my really good friends weren't in Greek life at all, and not to mention it was a bit pricey for a freshman with no job. I went through first semester not going to anything unless it was mandatory, and considered dropping in December. I have never been so happy in my life because of something I didn't follow through with. We returned August 15, a week before school started for polish week, and right away it was sisterhood activities, dinners, lunches together, and really late nights with my pledge class telling stories, playing games, and laughing. It took a year but I was finally clicking with everyone. I found my self after only two days confining in my sisters and I would keep catching myself wishing I was at the house. Two nights ago at practice one of our advisory board members gave a presentation about being a Theta for a Lifetime and what that really meant. I sat there with two of my friends making jokes and laughing, but her stories moved me. The pictures of their reunions, the tough and fun times they went through. I never understood how much joining this chapter would effect my college years, let alone my life. Upon returning to my dorm I tried to tell a few friends about it and how special it was to me. But I realized that my love for Theta, and how I saw how special it truly is isn't something they would care about, it is something only my theta sisters could understand.

My university has 5 amazing chapters. I truly believe that there is a chapter that is a perfect fit for every girl, even if you don't see it at first. Theta was mine for me. My best friend is in a community service fraternity, most of my friends aren't in Greek life, but I have some truly amazing friends that are. So as our recruitment shirts say this year. Be strong. Be unique. Be united. Be Greek.

Without A Push There's No Reason To Pull

It is no secret that teachers make basically nothing. Anyone with a brain can tell that we are in need of an education reform. As a nation, our IQ is dropping, and if you are anything like me you don't need statistics to prove it, just day to day interaction is enough.
There are few topics that can make me become an active participant. Gay marriage, abortion, alcohol and education systems. For those who know me know that I want to be a teacher, and this blog isn't to rant about the flaws of the education system (although I could) but it is to explain to you why  despite the strains the system puts on teachers I still want to be a teacher for a whooping 40k a year.
I believe that without struggle there would be no reward.
Like many of you know I babysat 3 boys this summer (sadly this is my last week). Two of them had a speech impediment and lets just say they are all a bit unruly. They scream, and push each other down the stairs, when I say no they do it anyways, and they whine like nobodies business. Or at least they did at the beginning of the summer. I would come home completely exhausted. Flustered because one threw up on the floor, the other started crying because I couldn't understand them and then the last got a bloody nose. I literally thought my life had gone to hell and was considering changing my major. Monday night I realized how far the boys and I have come since those moments. As I tucked them in to bed one said "Night tourtney, me love you", and when the other asked me if I liked him and I said yes he said "well, i love you. you love me?" I cried all the way home.
I know now that pink milk means strawberry milk, that if I count first they can count to ten, and if I let them put their own shoes on they can tell the difference between left and right. They can even spell their names.
Every day I almost have a heart attack. When they run into traffic, when I cant find them at the pool, or when they jump off the wall even though I said no. But every day the boys learn something, and I get to watch that. If I had come into this and they were angels and did everything I said, watching them look both ways, or put their shoes on wouldn't be as awarding as it is now.
& that is why I want to be a teacher, because with great struggle comes greater reward.

It's NBD

In today's society many things don't seem like a big deal. Few people wait for their wedding night to have sex for the first time, possibly even fewer people wait till they turn 21 to have their first alcoholic drink and divorce rates are at 50 percent. People enter relationships with no intention of being faithful and cheating is something that everyone has some kind of connection to. Why is it that so many people cheat?
I believe a lot of people get married just because they think its the right time, not always the right person.
Cheating is something that has been a prominent issue in my life, with my family and with my boyfriends. Recently however I received an offer that wasn't only shocking, but disgusting. A married, 34 year old man, with a child. When I mentioned his wife he said that is simply wasn't the best marriage. What I don't understand is why people think when the marriage isn't working that cheating will help, and that when you and your significant other don't get along why you should stay together for the kid. Chance are you cheating on their mother with someone 15 years your junior is going to mess them up more than a divorce they will barely remember. If your interest in someone is fading, then break up, move on.
I believe that relationships are losing their value.
I can't even count the times that I was asked to cheat on my boyfriend in the past. And while I denied the offers it appears my boyfriend was exploring all the fish in the sea. The statistics itself make me nervous enough to not want to get married, the risk of being married, then bearing children for a man who will cheat on me and leave me, makes me nauseous. When did we start living in a world where monogamy was rare? When Hue Hefner made 7 girlfriends popular? Because even that man almost got married. When athletes and actors started in on these sexting scandals, or is it merely from watching out parents, siblings, or friends lie to their significant other about what is really going on with their "just a friend" or their "late nights at work".
They say most things are a 50/50 chance. It is  a yes or a no, it either works or it doesn't. But when did human emotion become so black and white, and when did the answer to cheating become yes, and faithfulness no? When did relationships become no big deal?

Sometimes There's Too Much

I believe sometimes there's too much to say, someone else has to say it for you.

Remembering Respectfully

 Even after a year I can still recall the man sitting at his desk, reminding us that our work nights were going from "three until glee", and knowing that every time I printed off something he'd have to fix the printer.  I'm thankful, every day, I didn't have to go back to that newspaper room on August 18, 2010 and go to that class and have him not be there. I'm thankful that I never had to settle for second best because I always had him.
Michael Dunlap was one of the most beautiful and inspiring people I have ever met. He was my teacher for 3 years but everyone who had him knows that he was so much more, and provided much more than just scholastic education. He use to sit in the back room with me and Kaiti and advise me against almost all boy decisions I made, while heating up whatever health food concoction he was eating at that point in time.
He died, August 2, 2010 of an aneurysm.
I could write forever, about the way he changed high school for me and for countless others, providing a judgement free place to go at all hours of the day. But writing wont bring him back. The days following his death, I did what a lot of other students did. I called his cell phone, I watched the class day video, I thought of the last time I saw him at graduation and how he hugged me and told me he was proud of me, and I laid in my bed and wondered how & why. I visited his room every day for a week after that, and I sat there and cried with the other mourners. Visiting my high school was never going to be the same, and since the day one of the administrations let me stand in the newspaper room, I haven't been in there since. His stuff was still on his desk and his Britney Spears poster was in the back room. The school had just gotten the latest version of Mac Computers, something he had been wanting all year. At his wake there was a line out the door for hours, & at his funeral hundreds of people showed up causing the crowd to stand outside in the heat, and the air was full of muffled cries, and hugs, and a mutual feeling of loss between friends, family, and strangers.
I got my MacBook Pro, the day I found out he died. In fact I had just opened it, and signed on to facebook when I read the first status saying "RIP Michael Dunlap". Then I got the call. He was the reason I begged my parents for days to get a MacBook. He had spent a ridiculous amount of time sitting at the computers in the newspaper room with me teaching me how to use one. Telling me, no there isn't a right click but yes copy and paste are still options. & I'd be damned in newspaper if he hadn't taught me what Apple Q did.
So August 2, 2011- what can I tell you I believe? I believe that some things in life wont ever make sense, but instead of constantly questioning why, be grateful you had the opportunity to rejoice in what was. 

 Rest in peace Mr Dunlap, you are the reason I will stick with teaching. I smile knowing that you started a chain of dedication and a love for life that will long out live all of us.