As of right now, I have little to say I just feel like I need to blog since I'm bored out of my mind in my class (don't tell me I should be paying attention).
Things that are more serious sober & less serious drunk
Anything involving police
Sex
Being sick
Having a test
Being naked in public
Showering with all your clothes on
Losing your phone/id/wallet/shoe/dress
Walking alone in the ghetto
Calories
Walking in to a room of people you've hooked up with (it doesn't just happen to me)
Things that are more serious drunk & less serious sober
Somebody spilling your drink
Someone touching "your" man
The alcohol is gone
Someone not answering their phone
Mom calling
Someone cutting you in line
Someone looking at you "wrong" (they probably weren't looking)
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
I've written about it before, and I'm hoping writing about it now will keep me from doing it. Bad days, moments, or when I'm stuck in a mood I don't know why, always forces me into these thoughts. Theres a release of emotion with each pull that just makes sense as oppose to the invisible pain. One day I hope to be able to say I went a month, a year, or longer with out cutting but for now every day is a battle. Its like in that Greek mythology story about the man who pushes the boulder up the hill but every time he gets it up there is falls back down and he has to started again. When resisting the urge to cut the time between each varies, but once I think I'm okay something breaks and I fall down the hill again. But don't we all have something like that, like being on a diet or even something as simple as the avoiding the internet. Rather it was getting in a fight with someone, failing a test, getting frustrated studying, or even bad traffic finding relief in knowing there is one thing you can control is empowering. I've never been able to discuss this out loud, and I don't know why, when I have had friends who see it. I get embarrassed, I know its a weak problem. And maybe its because I treat my blog like a diary, or that I don't have to see peoples faces as they read this and see their disappointment in me, but this seems to be the only place I can say it. But today I write, in hopes to avoid what use to be inevitable. In hopes that in some way this blog could actually do me some good.
Ten years ago today, a group of men boarded planes, in hope that their actions would break the spirit of our country and make us weak. Well those men were wrong. Very wrong.
10 years ago, I sat in my fourth grade classroom and watched as the a building I never heard of fell to the ground and people jumped out of it. I watched as my teacher, whose husband was a pilot, cried, and kids got pulled out of class. I went home and sat with my family. 10 years ago I didn't understand the impact this would have on our country.
9 years ago today I stood in front of a news crew and read a poem about the loss we experienced. I stumbled out the first sentence of "I hold in my hand a beautiful thing, I hold in my hand the American Flag" and watched as people teared up. Yellow ribbons were tied around trees in the front yards, and the enlistment numbers were at a high. Being an American had become a number one priority.
5 years ago today I didn't understand the war. I didn't understand the eye for an eye ideal, I couldn't tell you the difference between Iraq and Iran, and God knows I couldn't find them on a map. I flew on a plane and as a 14 year old was patted down and watched the man in front of me get taken somewhere to be strip searched. We had to pack very carefully, and nothing was a joke.
2 years ago today our school didn't have a moment of silence for the people killed during 9/11 and people were outraged. But in all honesty most of us had began to live the day like every other. I watched videos of soldiers coming home and I'd cry. I would see on the news almost every night a new death total, and a women crying for her son to come home. Gas prices rose and talk about soldiers coming home began. We waited as a nation for our loved ones to return, in hopes they were still breathing when they did.
1 year ago today, one of my best friends was away at boot camp. Local heros had died, and every time he called me I cried. The impact on the country finally connected, and I knew that with the national debt increasing getting out of this war was going to be impossible. 1 year ago today we had spent 9 years fighting a battle that started with a major loss, and 1 year ago today we barely ever had good news about it
Today, a boy from my home town was killed in a plane shot down on their way home. Osama was killed, and while people made jokes about it being Obama, the country still rejoiced. Today I sat in my room with my roommate and listen to patriotic music, and cried watching heaven 9/11. Today I cried thinking of how 10 years ago today, every ones life changed.
We don't forget, we don't move on. We move forward, taking the memory with us and as a Nation we build upon it and become stronger. I won't ever say I agree with the war, but that isn't what today is. Today is remembering the men and women that lost their lives that day, the men and women that have been continuously losing their lives since then, and the husbands, wives, parents, siblings, children and friends that go on each day with a part of themselves missing. Today we remember, and we will tomorrow and for the next ten years for as a country, we have never been the same since that September day.
Beliefs are like a penis.
It's fine to have one.
It's fine to be proud of it.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around.
And PLEASE don't try to shove it down my kids throats!
(revised from "religion is like a penis")
We all have them, beliefs that is (not the penis part). I stand by mine, I vocalize mine when the timing is appropriate and I have never been disrespectful to someone else while protecting mine. Drake University has this group, pro life. Its exactly what it sounds like, an anti abortion group, and let me tell you they are making themselves well known. Last year they had a "grave yard" set up in the green space, with crosses for the number of children aborted in a month, they use side walks as their billboards and write things such as "Abortion is the worse form of child abuse". And they have stickers saying "I find it funny people who are pro abortion were born." And that phrase, pro abortion, really grins my gears. There are few people, probably no one, who is pro abortion. There are few people who want everyone to abort every baby that is ever conceived. Pro choice, however, is giving people the right to do with their bodies as they feel necessary, kinda like the right that is allowing this group to take the chalk and write their incorrect messages on the pavement.
My point of my rant is that its okay to have beliefs, and its okay to share them with others, but every time I look down at my feet and see "choose life!" I want to stomp on someones face. There is a time and a place for certain topics, and my walk to Econ at 11 A.M. isn't it. So while this group is out at midnight writing on the sidewalks, I'm going to be practicing my belief of pro rights at club dub or in my bedroom.
& just to add the the dynamic of the last sentence, this is one of my favorite songs recently.
I believe in learning from past experience but not using them as a cope out.
My ex boyfriend, my best friend of 8 years, cheated on me. With a guy. I cant sugar coat it, I can't make it seem better or worse than it was, it just is what it is. I've been hesitant to write this for about 5 months because I didn't want to be outing him, or crossing lines. But this isn't about him, its how it affected me. Now you can sit there and think I'm a bitch for not realizing how hard it was for him to come out, so let me just get this out of the way. We had been friends for 8 years, I knew him, i could've told you how he would've reacted in almost any situation. I know how hard it was for him. No I've never done it, but your boyfriend (or girlfriend) has probably never cheated on you with another guy (or girl). When all this happened last April, my biggest worry was what were people going to think when they found out. Now, even my friends and family like to take a stab at me with jokes about it (for example: "don't turn this one gay court", or "what was his last boyfriends name?") and while I laugh them off, they still hurt. But out of all of this, I didn't just lose a relationship that I thought would last forever, I lost a lot of trust, and not just for him but for men in general. How could he have not said something when he had this thought first. While I understand his sexual orientation is all about him, he did still cheat on me, and didn't tell me things he was thinking, which communication is key. I trusted him. Probably more than anyone, and that trust in the end just bite me in the ass. So why would I risk trusting someone that I just met, why would I want to throw myself into a relationship when I've tried that and the end result was this. While I understand the likely hood of this exact thing happening again is not likely, a relationship ending because of a change in sexual orientation is not an area I thought I was going to have to familiarize myself with.
Throughout the summer I slowly realized how it had affected me. The first time I visited Des Moines, I was drunk and sitting outside bawling because "the thought of it all made me nauseous". His friends came to visit and I had to leave because they all sat there and laughed about the situation. But the impact has been fierce. While a year ago I wanted to be very young when I married and have kids, right now I'd rather adopt and call it good. Realizing that someone I cared about deeply, never cared about me and wouldn't have the ability to was heartbreaking. Watching them care more about someone else, is unbearable. The whole kicker of the entire situation is that he lied. Someone I had trusted and was so close to had lied to me, and I could even tell.
So, when I talked to my ex about this he told me that he wanted me to believe in Prince Charming and in happily ever after again. My respond: Why? You know there is a reason the fairytale end at the wedding.
