The End Of My Rope

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

I've written about it before, and I'm hoping writing about it now will keep me from doing it. Bad days,  moments, or when I'm stuck in a mood  I don't know why, always forces me into these thoughts. Theres a release of emotion with each pull that just makes sense as oppose to the invisible pain. One day I hope to be able to say I went a month, a year, or longer with out cutting but for now every day is a battle. Its like in that Greek mythology story about the man who pushes the boulder up the hill but every time he gets it up there is falls back down and he has to started again. When resisting the urge to cut the time between each varies, but once I think I'm okay something breaks and I fall down the hill again. But don't we all have something like that, like being on a diet or even something as simple as the avoiding the internet. Rather it was getting in a fight with someone, failing a test, getting frustrated studying, or even bad traffic finding relief in knowing there is one thing you can control is empowering. I've never been able to discuss this out loud, and I don't know why, when I have had friends who see it. I get embarrassed, I know its a weak problem. And maybe its because I treat my blog like a diary, or that I don't have to see peoples faces as they read this and see their disappointment in me, but this seems to be the only place I can say it. But today I write, in hopes to avoid what use to be inevitable. In hopes that in some way this blog could actually do me some good.