The Art of I Love You

My friend Krystin works for Galmour magazine and on occasions she sends me links to quizzes asking me to have my friends fill them out. This week I got a link for men and what they think about the term "I love you". The questions ranged from how long do you wait to say "I love you" to if it is more important than watching the Kardashians together, yes that was an actual question. I proceeded to ask my boyfriend of almost three months all of the questions and after I laid here thinking about how I would answer them. So for your enjoyment here are my answers.

1. More often than not, in your past relationships who said I love you first?
   The boy.
2. Who do you think should say it first?
   I don't think it should matter, and yet I say that and have bitten my tongue in many cases when I was ready and I knew they weren't. So I guess for me it isn't that I think guys should say it first, but that I could never say it first. Fear of rejection much?
3. If you tell someone you love them and they don't feel the same way, what's the least painful thing to hear back?
   Almost anything but thank you. Something like I really care about you but I'm not ready yet. It almost wouldn't matter though, I'd still be hurt.
4. Have you ever said "I love you" accidentally?
   Ha, oh yes.
5. If so, why?
   Drunk or caught up in a moment.
6. Should the accidental "I love you" count?
   No, because I didn't mean it.
7. Have you ever been dumped because you wouldn't say "I love you"?
   Yes, a few times. 
8. Have you ever dumped someone for that reason?
   Once.
9. You're starting to feel it. How long do you wait to say it?
   Until he says it.
10. How long should your partner wait to say it?
    Until we are exclusive after that when ever they feel it. It shouldn't be something that is pressured.
11. What's a sign that you're feeling it even if you're not saying it?
    I smile a lot, and say that I "love" their laugh/smile/anything.
12. Is it appropriate to say I love you for the first time in person? on the phone? texting?
    Only in person. In 7th grade this boy told me he loved me through AIM and it was so awkward that I just avoided him until I graduated. We now go to college together.
13. What is the sweetest thing they can be doing when they say it to you?
    Mean it. We could be eating at Mcdonalds, laying in bed, or walking to class, it doesn't matter as long as they mean it.
14. How many times have you said "I love you" and the person didn't say it back?
    Once.
15. How often is too often for I love you to be said?
    Never too often. I think it should be said as much as possible.
16. Would you do this only with the person you were in love with: snuggle after sex, kiss during intercourse, go down on them, make sure they get theirs?
    To me none of those are strictly just for love, so no it isn't just for the person I love. However I believe when you are in love each of those things are very different.
    
    
    Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
    -- 1 Peter 4:8
    
    
    
    

#ThingsIHate (afraid)

Love doesn't last. It isn't natural for two creatures to be together for the rest of their lives, why do you think divorce rates are at 50/50 right now? Humans are one of the only species that attempt to mate for life, with many failures.  Love has been made to be material. No one wants a marriage anymore, they just want a wedding. We aren't made to love each other for that long.
Did I get your attention? Seems a bit harsh?
I use to truly believe all of that though. I use to really be afraid of love. Notice I use the word afraid, not hate. Hating love is cowardly, and I'll admit I use to say I did, but the word hate has become interchangeable with afraid.  We don't hate snakes, we are afraid of them, I don't hate love, I'm afraid of it. There is a quote that says we aren't afraid of heights, we are afraid of falling and that we aren't afraid of the dark but of what is in it. I'm afraid of a lot of things, maybe more than the average person, but my fear of love is directly connected to my fear of divorce.
I've written a lot about my parents relationship, but it is said that children of divorced parents are more likely to get a divorce. Parents need to understand that we grow into what we see, if they love one another, we learn to do the same. The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother. So when I use to express all these negative things about love, was I protecting my true fear of not being love? That "forever" doesn't really last "till death do you part". By saying I hate love, as oppose to being afraid of it, I don't have to say that I'm afraid of failing in a relationship, or of not being worthy of being loved.
But I don't hate love.
Not one bit.
Not at all.

Stand By Me

 "Regardless of where we go, what we become, or what sky we look upon, we know we will always stand together."

So I've been thinking a lot about one of my favorite parts of high school, dance team. I spent four years with a group of girls and we worked our asses off to make the program something we could all be proud of. I have danced my whole life and quit upon entering college, it pushed me so much as an individual and taught me life skills in working with people that are simply irreplaceable. We each left for college and have grown apart but I wouldn't trade all those weekends, team nights, practices and 9 hour work days for anything.

This little gem is from my senior year winter guard show. Enjoy!

Nicest Things

You Are Beautiful

You’re beautiful because you taught me something invaluable that I would never have come to know on my own. You taught me that there are some things love does not conquer — that you can love someone with all your heart and skin and organs and it will change completely nothing. You gave me a practical lesson: that a relationship cannot be carried by only one of its halves. You made me realize I am not special, and that’s important because I spent a good part of my life thinking I was. Assuming Keats was right and beauty is truth, you are beautiful.

Eskimo Brothers

Even though being promiscuous is less frowned upon these days, talking about premarital sex still seems pretty taboo. We all know that sex is meant to be recognized as one of the ultimate displays of affection, meant for those we love, and a very intimate jester. But I also think people forget sex is fun. It could be a one night stand after visiting a campus bar/house party, or a long term relationship, sex should still be fun. For both, consenting parties and I can't imagine too many people disagree. We all secretly want the hot sex that people fantasize about in all these random ass places, however we have such a double standard in society. Girls have a libido, some even stronger than that of our male counter parts. We enjoy sex, and don't always have to be emotional connected to the person we have sexual interactions with, just like males. But if a guy sleeps with a bunch of people in a few months he is "the man", he gets laid, he pulls the ultimate TFM. If a girl sleeps with the same amount of people in a few months she is a slut or whore. Now it is true that females usually label girls more than males but boys do it as well. Recently, someone I follow on twitter tweeted about how he didn't understand how some guys can go for certain girls that literally make them Eskimo Brothers with everyone. And it is such a double standard because this guy has hooked up with numerous girls as well. What is wrong with a guy liking a girl who has hooked up with other people? I've had a lot of conversations with different guys who have had sex with over 10 girls, and yet a girl, who has slept with 6 people, is a whore. In fact some of you reading this probably weren't even phased by the first statement. And that is what is bothering me. We all agree sex should be fun, boys want to have sex, and yet when they met a girl who is willing to have sex with them she is a slut or a whore for doing so?
Males get some, females give it up. But men, with out those fun loving ladies you and your hand would have a lot more quality time together.
The College Town Life has a pretty great article about Sluts and Whores so, READ IT!

Glitter In The Air

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

I Won't Give Up

If you read my blog regularly, hell even on occasion, you know that I blog a lot about love. The problems that occur from it, the emotional baggage that comes from it and all the beautiful things that do too. But I don't know why I write about love or, I suppose, how, seeing as I have never been in love. So, yes, basically I'm admitting that I have no idea what I'm writing about and that most of these blog post are bull shit about what I assume love would be like. I can't tell you what it feels like to be in love, or how you know or really anything about it.
My friend Derek once told me that love is subjective, it isn't black and white, one person can be head over heels and the other just never feel it. We put so much pressure on love at such a young age. Okay, no I've never been "in love" but I'm almost twenty years old and couldn't even describe what I think love should feel like. People say butterflies, rainbows, always being happy and sure that would be great but I once read a quote that said "Love makes extraordinary things feel ordinary"and that almost seems more accurate, the first sounds more like the "honeymoon" stage my roommate refers to on occasions.
And we love so many things. I read in a article from Thought Catalog that we love things like our favorite candy or stuff animal and we don't one day look at it and go, for instance me and my stuffed elephant "Oh, I love you peanut", no, it just happened. What is it about loving a human that makes it so hard to admit that we have these feelings or to admit we don't? We wait to feel the spark, not the comfort, we wait to be overwhelmed by emotion, not seeing the slow increase instead, we want everything now and how we want it, or at least I know, I do.
I've gotten into this crazy thing about being the only one who doesn't know what being in love is like. I know I'm psychotic. But I can't sit here and be annoyed with myself or others for not loving me or for me not knowing if I love them. I can't just expect to wake up and realize I love them or vice versa. It will happen when it is suppose to and maybe it wont happen at the same time or at all. Maybe I'm already in love and just can't admit it because I know the other person doesn't reciprocate the emotion. I don't know about this whole love thing, but what I do know is you can't pressure it if it isn't right and that good things come to those who wait and blessings find those who don't go searching for them.

Fishin In The Dark

I have to go to work. But I'd prefer to go do this.