My Quarter Life Crisis

We hear about mid life crisis all the time, people having affairs, buying fancy cars, or other things they can't afford. However a new phrase in my vocabulary has been quarter life crisis. I turned twenty in the middle of March, but just this week it has hit me how old I've really become. Okay, some of you reading this may think I'm being dramatic, and sure I probably am, because twenty in retrospect really isn't that old, but come on guys, I'm going to be a  JUNIOR in college. A JUNIOR. Now this fact wouldn't be so terrifying if I didn't realize how quick the last two years have gone, it wouldn't be so terrifying if I didn't realize my life is no where near what I thought it would be by now.
My quarter life crisis caused me to do something that was totally irrational and probably one of the most dangerous things I have ever done. What you may ask? Run. In the dark. Alone. Around my campus. And while I avoid the gun shots, the sketch car that followed me, and didn't pass out of heat exhaustion, I wasn't able to avoid my thoughts, because lets be real I can't run THAT fast. The past few days have been hazy, I've been worried, I've been upset, I've been happy, and I've been restless. All these emotions left me laying on a sundial crying on the phone to my mom.
Let me be clear, I love my life, I love my family and friends, I have a good boyfriend and good people in my life. I'm excited about my future, where ever it takes me, but it isn't anything like I thought it'd be. Isn't that how life always works though? Some people think that is the beauty of life, the unexpected, and I guess to a point it is. When I look back on how I thought my life would be by now I'd have to say that I was being irrational, almost as irrational as deciding to run. Almost. In the past couple of years major milestones have occurred in my life, just like many of you. One of the most difficult things however has been learning to love myself. Recently in one of my classes we talked about how a lot of women base their value on how men think about them, which is exactly how I am. I like to think I'm independent, despite the fact I don't enjoy being alone, but I have always very consistently had a boy in my life. I have always, very consistently, not valued myself because someone else didn't seem to. I have always, always, let that emotionally and physically hurt me. I think that's the start to my quarter life crisis. Finding the value of myself. Although, at least this is what my mom told me, this is normal for twenty somethings, because yes we are all slowly becoming twenty somethings (cry with me).
My life isn't on a path I expected, I'm not as mature or as serious as I thought I was going to be, which I think right now I'm thankful for. And I don't know how to deal with my quarter life crisis, I'm not sure how I'm going to get rid of the nerves or this feeling of restlessness I've been dealing with, but if this is anything like AA (which I haven't been to but I've heard things), isn't admitting it the first step?
So Hi, I'm Courtney. And I'm going through a quarter life crisis.