I Wish I Knew

"I can't just sit here and have coffee with you. I loved you. I know the other night didn't mean for you what it did for me, but I'm not going anywhere. Just know I can't pretend to feel any less than I do, I just can't."

How do you know? How do you know anything? When you are ready to move on, to be friends, to be more than friends, to move out? How do you know if this is right, if you are wasting your time, & if you really don't care anymore? These are problems in my life. I don't know if I'm ready to be more than friends with a really good friend who I have problems trusting, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with one of my ex boyfriends because I feel like our relationship was based on a lie? & I'm ready to move out, I think, I hope, right? How do I know? Theres a difference between what is actual and what will happen. That's what my freshman year taught me. Everything that I was afraid of happening my first year in college happened. & I'm a stronger person for it. If anything I learned I wasn't invincible. But I sure as hell learned that I will never encounter something I can't get over. Which leads me to tonight. 

Tonight I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up, he told me to read his blog but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I want him to be happy, but I don't really want to read about it. & that's the thing about break ups, we always think we are ready to talk again, to be in each others lives, and then you try. & I'm not saying I'm not ready to be his friend, but mostly that I'm not sure I can ever be his friend. I can see us 10 years from now getting the awkward wedding invite, or maybe calling him to tell him something big like a parent dying, or even grabbing coffee randomly to catch up. Which is what we did tonight, we caught up, and it hurt. I want him to be happy, I want to be happy, but for me I don't know if these two things can coexist. I use to hate it, knowing that the relationship hurt me more than it would ever hurt him. But my mom pointed out tonight that I was in love with the person I wish he was, not who he actually is. I was never in love with him. So I guess it's all about learning to care about the person he truly is. If anything it hurt me more because I loved harder than he did, and that's not something I should ever be ashamed of. But how do you know? Tonight could've been one of the biggest mistakes I made so far, because like my mom keeps saying "that boy cheating on you was the best thing that ever happened to you", and yes, this is true. But seeing him didn't hurt, I didn't smile like I use to, but I didn't feel that gut wrenching feeling either. I was numb. So maybe it was too soon, or maybe not. But I guess you don't ever know until you try. Right now I can't be his friend, he has great friends at school (which he always makes clear, and use to/still does drive me nuts) that I know fill any void that I created, if I did create any. & I know he respects that. So a few coffee dates, a few Morse visits, nothing can ever be the same. But I love him as a brother, and I want him to know that no matter what junction we are at in our lives he doesn't need to wait for me to text him anymore, I'll always be there whenever he needs, just in different ways. 

So how do you know? By trying. Because if my ex has made me realize anything life is too short to sit around and wonder "what if". 

Life in a Container

So I'm in Kansas for 3 months, I've been here for two days & have very little to do besides getting beaten up by three boys I babysit (literally bruises on my back). But I've come to a weird realization, my family is old. My sister will graduate high school in a year, this is my last summer at home, and my brother is moving out official (we hope) in august. So after 11 years in this suburban home, my parents are going to sell it. Which means painting my high school room. For those who have seen it know that it screams one thing: high school. I have posters from homecoming, note cards from prom, almost every corsage and flower I have ever received (yes they are dead), pictures covering the walls, all my academic awards, newspaper stuff, and dance stuff. Every inch of my wall is lined with that stuff and if not that theres two dance posters and two of Orlando Bloom. I have a street sign, a traffic cone, and two house signs, and this isn't even touching what is on and inside my desk. So in order to paint, all of my high school stuff has to do one of two things; go in the trash or into storage. So getting a huge storage bin out of my parent's room I began to fill it. Realizing, all the while, unlike some of my friends at school, I didn't keep in touch with anyone. I didn't talk to someone from high school once a day let alone once a week. & maybe thats because I was so ready for college, a lot of things in high school hurt me to think about so throwing a few pieces of paper into the bin was no big deal. But if high school didn't really matter to me, if I didn't really talk to anyone from high school then why wasn't I throwing this stuff into the trash? There are pictures and posters in my room of people who now I know very little about, lost a lot of contact with, or just plan dislike. & yet one by one the prom cards got put into the bin and pictures from freshman year, because rather I like it or not, this was my high school, and yes because of events that have happened throughout the year I've come to realize that high school is something I truly need to let go, but that doesn't mean I need to let go of the memories. I'm ready to move on, if I could've I would've lived in Iowa this summer. There are some people I don't want to lose contact with forever but mostly high school is a thing of the past, I went to school out of state for the reason that I wanted to be done. The people who truly matter in high school would always be there and if one day I turn to them and they aren't then I will count my blessings for my beautiful friends I made this year. So while I pack my things and unpack my college stuff for the next 3 months I plan to have fun, to go to the pool, gossip with my friends like we use to, spend time with my parents, and make money. Because I'm realizing that I need to fully love every moment I have because nothing after this summer will ever be the same. Who you are right now will only be who you are for today. When you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night you are two different people, rather you see it right now or not.

Self Actualization

"I had always thought of myself as aware and thoughtful, but it had occurred to me that most people believed this of themselves. Even as they cheated on their lovers and averted their eyes from the homeless. You could ask a wife beater if he was a good person and he'd probably say yes."

As my freshman year comes to an end I want to talk about a class I took. Intellectual maturity and personal development. With Wanda. For anyone that goes to my school you automatically know how intense this class could possibly be. The first week we were in the class she asked us, "who are you?" Okay well, I'm a friend/daughter/sister, I love music, I'm nice, so on and so forth. As we shared I realized almost everyone described themselves the same way. And so our challenge started. First semester freshman year we were suppose to find out who we were, not who we thought we were. Everyone wants to believe they are nice and caring, but when push comes to shove thats not always the case.  People who are truly nice, are typically annoying and no fun. So when I said I was nice I wasn't lying but thats not really what I am. I'm bitchy, funny, sarcastic, and sometimes, on accident, offensive, but catch me on a good day with a good friend & I will always have their back. So I struggled, all semester. I made bad decisions, went out too much, struggled in class and fought with friends. I had amazing nights dancing, watched stupid shows with funny people, rearranged my room every time my roommate & I changed boys, called my mom crying, and finally, with everything crashing around me, all my old beliefs and old self leaving every pore, I felt... plain. Not like I was the old me, if I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn't even recognize me. I had pierced my nose & belly button, dyed my hair, and got a tattoo, but that was just physical. Emotionally, I had never felt so naked before in my entire life. I imagined every person looking at me and knowing everything about me, every thought I had. I had never felt so beautiful and so like me in my entire life.
So then Wanda asked, "Who are you?", and while I'm still changing and still discovering I would never describe myself as a good person, I've made too many mistakes to be one. So while I can't fully answer and I know you probably don't care, with all of this I have realized that we are never who we think we are, we aren't all good people, we don't give every homeless person we see money and we aren't always faithful to our partners.
So that's my challenge to you... I'm asking you... Who are you? Actually. Don't hold back.

Listen to this song, it's amazing & on repeat :)

Peeling Apart The Timeline

This has been the longest week ever. But a blessed one to say the least. A lovely senior send off and will day (three cheers to get the "shacking" will) and a beautiful mothers day with my parents, sister and my other half. Emotional talks and encounters with an old flame, a meteor shower and studying outside, I don't know why people think the weekend before finals week is so bad. However, lately I've been noticing how I let what ended up happening effect previous memories. Bare with me while I try to explain, but it's something I need to get a hold on before I get home in a week and starting tearing down everything on my wall.

In a relationships if my boyfriend cheats on me I look back at the time we were together and think "he never actually cared, he never loved me". Dances we went to together or a trip or even just a random significant night all of a sudden seem like such a crock. (Dramatic yes, but if you actually read my blog it's very normal for me.) So every time I see a picture of a dance, or even think about that person, not only do I want to tear the picture to shreds but my loathing feelings towards the person grow because they ruined a great memory for me. Everything that person has ever said to me rather it be "I'm sorry" or "I love you" or even "I'll be there in fifteen, I can't wait to see you" seem like such a lie, that they never even meant it. And rather or not they actually ever cared I realize now, while I was standing in Forever 21, that letting this effect me is not fair. To let someone take away memories that I love and make them something that hurts me to think about is only letting them win more. So this is what I mean by not letting what ended up happening effect previous memories. You should never let someones bad decisions make you look back negatively upon something that use to make you so happy. Separate the events, the cheating from the dances, the lying from the trips, and the heart break from the memories.

First Star I See Tonight

The simple things in life are the ones that matter.

Last night only proved to me that alcohol isn't always necessary for fun. I, expressing my true nerdy side, and along with my friends went and watch the meteor shower out in the middle of no where. Not only was I convince that out in the boondocks of Iowa we were going to be murdered, but I also ended the night with a nice wound. After situating on the hood of the car, then again on the trunk we witnessed some pretty awesome streaks of meteors. Sometimes its nice to get away from the city and see true stars. We took silly pictures and ate taco bell in celebration of Cinco de Mayo, and it was the most fun I've had all week. It was a moment where for once, in a really long time, I didn't feel like I was disappointing anyone, I wasn't worrying about what I was wearing or how I looked, I laughed, screamed, and literally stared at absolutely nothing. I felt like me again, in the simplest form. Which brings me to my last thought about the beautiful meteor shower. The last time I watched one was in August right before I left for college, last night I was watching in May the week before I leave to go home after my first year in college... weird. & Laying there I reflected on how much has changed between those two times. I lost many loved ones, I almost lost my dad, I made a huge mistake, and took a couple of chances with new and old loves, and then fell right on my face. But most importantly, while I lost so much, I gained more than I could ever imagine. I was afraid of losing my high school self, my high school friends, but when I finally realized that if they were worth anything than they wouldn't disappear, and that is kind of how it worked. To say I love the girls on my floor would be an understatement. To say my roommate is the most beautiful and honest person I have ever met would be too. I'm excited to go home, to spend time with my family, but if I could stay here all summer I would in a heart beat. I lost alot between those meteor showers, but I gained so much more, and last night I saw more meteors shoot across that sky than I did back in August. Coincidence? I think not.

The night also consist of me trying to convince my friends this was the best song ever. Right guys? :)

Contradictory Death

Osama's death has be recognized and celebrated across campuses all over the country. The above video clip is the celebration at Iowa State. Call me unpatriotic but I think the whole "eye for an eye" attitude is wrong. Martin Luther King Jr said "‎I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." We, as children, were taught that death was not to be rejoiced, that murder was not right, and that we shall not kill. But when there are riots breaking out on the streets after the death of Osama are we holding a double standard. It's just another double standard that we as Americans hold, we believe in not murdering people but we start wars, have the death pertly, and celebrate the death of certain people. We help "corrupt" nations build a new government and take care of homeless people, but our unemployment rate is high and people are questioning rather our President was even born in America. In my opinion death shall never be celebrate, as the saying goes an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. 

Family Matters

The foundation of my life is my family. In the nineteen years I've made more mistakes than I'd care to admit but what always gets me is that my parents are always right. They say things like "don't date that guy he is not good for you" and what a shocker, rather its weeks or a few months later their predictions become true. Or simply when they say "No" (and I actually listen), I usually avoid getting into some sort of trouble. But even after I don't listen and all the times that I have laid in their bed crying over drama, grades, or even my siblings, they never say I told you so, they never say that I should've listened, they just sit there and try to reason with me. My mom and dad definitely played devils advocate with me. When deciding where I wanted to go to school my parents had very different view points on what would be the best for me, and I have no doubt that I would've enjoyed either place, but they make me think and I eventually choose the best one for me.

I'm lucky to have such great parents. We may not be the model family but after a year of college I never realized how much they let me be my own person. I'm more open minded because of them. In my house if you wanted to go to church, then go, but you didn't have to, and with political issues I always believed what I want but when we had disagreeing arguments I listened. Living in that house taught me to question my beliefs constantly but to always hold on to them. My views are my views, not my parents, and in college I try to test my beliefs as often as available. I went to a pro life speech about a women who as an infant survived an abortion. Yes, the process its pretty sick, and I listened to her talking about how much her life mattered until it got preachy and then I played brick breaker. Call me insensitive but I believe every ones life matters, including the mother of the baby. I will always say I'm pro life for myself pro choice for everyone else. But that's another thing my parents have taught me, to be respectful of others beliefs. 

I guess what I'm trying to get at out of my rant is always cherish your parents, they got you were you are today, and theres a good chance they know whats better for you than you do. & rather they were as positive of an influence as my parents were or not, just know they love you the best they can. My parents are my best friends & I couldn't be more lucky.