"I can't just sit here and have coffee with you. I loved you. I know the other night didn't mean for you what it did for me, but I'm not going anywhere. Just know I can't pretend to feel any less than I do, I just can't."
How do you know? How do you know anything? When you are ready to move on, to be friends, to be more than friends, to move out? How do you know if this is right, if you are wasting your time, & if you really don't care anymore? These are problems in my life. I don't know if I'm ready to be more than friends with a really good friend who I have problems trusting, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with one of my ex boyfriends because I feel like our relationship was based on a lie? & I'm ready to move out, I think, I hope, right? How do I know? Theres a difference between what is actual and what will happen. That's what my freshman year taught me. Everything that I was afraid of happening my first year in college happened. & I'm a stronger person for it. If anything I learned I wasn't invincible. But I sure as hell learned that I will never encounter something I can't get over. Which leads me to tonight.
Tonight I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up, he told me to read his blog but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I want him to be happy, but I don't really want to read about it. & that's the thing about break ups, we always think we are ready to talk again, to be in each others lives, and then you try. & I'm not saying I'm not ready to be his friend, but mostly that I'm not sure I can ever be his friend. I can see us 10 years from now getting the awkward wedding invite, or maybe calling him to tell him something big like a parent dying, or even grabbing coffee randomly to catch up. Which is what we did tonight, we caught up, and it hurt. I want him to be happy, I want to be happy, but for me I don't know if these two things can coexist. I use to hate it, knowing that the relationship hurt me more than it would ever hurt him. But my mom pointed out tonight that I was in love with the person I wish he was, not who he actually is. I was never in love with him. So I guess it's all about learning to care about the person he truly is. If anything it hurt me more because I loved harder than he did, and that's not something I should ever be ashamed of. But how do you know? Tonight could've been one of the biggest mistakes I made so far, because like my mom keeps saying "that boy cheating on you was the best thing that ever happened to you", and yes, this is true. But seeing him didn't hurt, I didn't smile like I use to, but I didn't feel that gut wrenching feeling either. I was numb. So maybe it was too soon, or maybe not. But I guess you don't ever know until you try. Right now I can't be his friend, he has great friends at school (which he always makes clear, and use to/still does drive me nuts) that I know fill any void that I created, if I did create any. & I know he respects that. So a few coffee dates, a few Morse visits, nothing can ever be the same. But I love him as a brother, and I want him to know that no matter what junction we are at in our lives he doesn't need to wait for me to text him anymore, I'll always be there whenever he needs, just in different ways.
So how do you know? By trying. Because if my ex has made me realize anything life is too short to sit around and wonder "what if".
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