I think one of the hardest parts about being in a relationship, for me at least, is remembering that while I love and care for that person, I'm also worthy of their love and care as well. I think a lot of people have this problem, we believe the person we are with is so perfect we have a hard time understanding why they want to be with us, why they wouldn't want to move on to something better. We drive ourselves crazy with "what ifs" and "I wonders". It's hard to remember that this person sees something in us too, something we may not see in ourselves.

It's easily one of my favorite times of year. Depsite the shopping, the stress of finals, the snow that I have to scrap from my car and all the times I'll slip on the ice or burn my tongue on a drink that is way too hot. I love turkey, driving around looking at Christmas lights, decorating the tree, spending time with my love ones, the songs I'm forced to play on the piano and giving to those who need it, and those I was blessed with. As per tradition, many people made a list of all the things they are grateful for, of all the things they were blessed with, but if I was to make a list of everything in my life I was blessed with it'd be way too long. A house, food, clothes, an environment where I was always loved despite my faults. So I won't, instead, in this year of challenges consisting of hospitalizations, doctor visits, cancer, lost friendships and relationship challenges, I want to talk about how thankful I am for the people who got me through it.
My family is probably one of the loudest, most dysfunctional, loving group of people ever. I'm so blessed to have these people in my life. Parents I can call at midnight on my birthday, at 2 A.M to vent. Siblings who I can share everything with, Aunts, Uncles, cousins and grandparents who show me what love is suppose to consist of, how life is suppose to be moved by love. My friends and sisters who have been there for the long conversations, for every time I felt like I wasn't enough, to encourage me to try new things and to be there if I fail at those things. My boyfriend of over a year, who renewed my faith in men, who renewed my faith in trust and in love, who can sit with me and have a variety of serious conversations and then do a puzzle and have a tickle fight. A man who truly understands beings faithful and who loves me despite all of my imperfections. My high school counselor who caught me before I fell too far and was there when I wasn't sure how to stop. And of course, God, who I forget to thank all too often, for giving me all these beautiful people in my life.
To have these people in my life is not a right, it's a privilege, denied to many. So while I'll continue to curse the snow, my finals and everything in between, when it comes down to the basics I will always be thankful that I have so many people in my life that give me what truly matters. Love. 

Instead of showing love and appreciation for each other in physical ways, it has to be in words. Instead of going out with each other and going home with each other, we have to trust. It’s been using words when what you really need is a hug. It’s been texts saying I really want to kiss you, instead of just doing it, and typing good night instead of looking at each other and saying it. It’s been different. It’s been hard, it’s been a lot of crying and skype dates and phone calls. A lot of I miss you, I love you, I want you. Doing things with out each other that we really just want to be together for.

It’s making our relationship stronger. It's been missing each other, wanting each other, because everything is so much better when the other one is around. It’s being okay with only 72 days a year, because I’d rather have those 72 days with him than 365 days with someone else. It’s showing that sometimes it’s true that the best things aren’t the easiest.

Dear you,

I'm so much better at writing letters now than blog post. Maybe it is the topic or maybe because it's all about you. In the few years I've known you I have never had anyone care so deeply for me. I  never had someone be sad when I was sad, or be happy because I was happy. I was lucky to have found you when I had no one. This year, however, I'm sadden by what seems to be happening to our relationship. We don't spend nights together talking, we don't go on random drives, we don't even leave the parties together any more.
You were there for me more than anyone during some of the roughest parts of my life, and I have no doubt that you still will be, but what happened to all the silly things in between that made everything so much better. Because it was, everything with you is just so much better.
You taught me something I spent years trying to teach myself. You taught me to love myself first, and that if I loved myself first it wasn't nearly as scary to be in love with someone else. You taught me that it is okay to be the one who cares more, but to never settle for a relationship were you are constantly that person.
You held my hair back when I was sick, you cuddled me on nights I was sad, and if I had a dollar for every time I was glad the body next to me after a night of drinking was you I would at least be able to buy a happy meal at McDonalds. You were my superhero when I was here, my home away from home.
I think it is important people aren't as lucky as us, to have someone that no matter the time or the distance, how many years it has been since we've talked or even seen each other, we are still connected.
It's you bug, only you.
I love you.

Cwiggle

With everything in life there are always unseen moment, an unknown meaning and a feeling that is unexplainable. In life nothing is ever as it seems. We have all had those moments in life that came with out warning. Maybe it was a good thing like a surprise party, a surprise kiss or crush. Maybe it was bad like a failing grade on a test you thought you did really well on, a break up or a death. Life has a way of taking our breath away, of making our hearts fall into our stomach, a way of reminding us that what we are feeling at that moment is what people call being alive, good or bad.

I believe in telling the people you love that you love them at least once a day. I don't think there is a right time or a wrong time, but just do it at least one time. Before you go to bed, when you wake up or randomly in the middle of the day. Say it once. I believe it is important.

In French, you don't really say "I miss you" you say "tu me manques" which means "you are missing from me." I love that.

The Silly Things I Cry About and The People Who Deal With It

Waterproof mascara is my best friend and has been since my senior year of high school when I started crying. A lot. If you ever need a recommendation on a good waterproof mascara I'm your gal. I have many different kinds of crying, I can do the whole quiet sobbing, the loud screaming sobbing, the ugly face crying (my specialty), and my favorite the tears you just can't hold back the ones that come out for no reason or for a reason but you just can't help the salty water from rolling down your face.

Needless to say, again, I cry, often.

I will be the first to admit that I cry over stupid stuff, for example one time I cried because an avocado fell off the counter and smashed and I wasn't able to eat it. Or when my sister ate the last french toast the day before I left for school, hash tag fat kid problems any time you want to. I cried because I didn't know what was wrong, I've cried for no reason at all just simply because I could. I like to cry in the shower so then my pillow doesn't get wet but the steam makes breathing even harder. I cry when I'm stressed, and if you ask my boyfriend or friends, I cry when I'm mad or when I'm yelling. Basically I'm a mess and I shouldn't be surprised by the fact that my tears have little to no impact on anyone anymore. I get over emotional. I cry when I have to say good bye, even knowing when I'm going to see them next I still turn into a baby, I do this with friends on move out day, with my boyfriend when our couple day visits are over, and with my parents when they drop me off for school. You'd think at twenty years old I'd have some kind of handle on my life, but as my mom always told me I came into this world crying, so I'm pretty sure that's how I'm going out.

Has anyone ever found colic in adults? That would be interesting to know.

The point of this post, as many of you I'm sure are wondering, is that I see nothing wrong with crying, for anything. Cry when something is sweet, when something is sad, when you are mad or stressed or confused. Cry when things aren't going your way and cry when they are. Cry when you are having sex or when you are brushing your teeth. Hell drown yourself in your tears and get a headache from it. The important part is what you do once you stop crying. I go and hug someone, I give myself a pep talk anything from "don't be so stupid", "why are you crying", "he/she/it isn't worth it", "did you really just cry about that? I didn't know you were a 70 year old cat lady", and my personal favorite "everything will work out". The people who comfort you when you are crying truly are the closest to you because lets be honest, no one has a cute crying face, if they can see that and still want to be in the same room with you they are a keeper. While crying feels good it doesn't change anything, it wont change the situation it wont help you figure out what is wrong. Like I've written before, you and only you are in charge of your own happiness, if you aren't happy, do something about it.

We May Only Live Once But We Only Have One Life

Today I am thankful for every piece of toast I was forced to eat, crust and all. I am thankful for the feeling of pain, for not being able to sleep because my room is too hot or because my dad's snoring. I'm thankful for every moment of sadness, for every time my heart was broken and for every tear that has run down my face. I'm thankful I get to be thankful for all these things because all these experiences mean I'm alive. We may only live once, but we only have one life. Be thankful simply for that.

You Will Miss

The moment they go you already miss them, that's what makes them leaving so hard. Knowing you won't see them again, knowing they won't ever know how you feel, knowing that you are left with the memories, left in that spot where they said good bye, even if you move.
You'll miss the way he asked you to scratch his back and sit right in front of you blocking the T.V.
You'll miss the way she cried every time you had to say good bye even though it made you uncomfortable.
You'll miss how long it took him to respond to your text messages causing you to worry, but at least eventually you got a response.
You'll miss the way her alarm woke you up every morning at 6:30 AM, when you didn't have to be up till 9.
You'll miss his snoring that caused you to move down the hall to sleep and you will resent that moment for the rest of your life knowing you missed out on countless nights together.
You'll miss the way she always wanted to cuddle, despite the heat, despite her cold, and despite your headache.
You'll miss dancing in the garage, making dinner together, celebrating birthdays and grieving together.
You'll miss going on late night drives and going down to the docks. You will miss your friends laughter when you fell in the pool full clothed, and you will miss how she always bugged you to come out at night.
You'll miss all these moments, not the ones when you slept plenty, or got to watch your T.V. show and finish your homework early. You'll miss the moments that even though you were angry, upset, tired, nervous, scared, happy, sick, excited, you'll miss the moments that you were there with each other, those moments you created.
People walk in and out of our lives every day, by choice or by force. By changes in life, or causes of death. And that's the funny thing, once the people we love are gone, we would go back to any moment of time we had with them just to get them back. The moment you were fighting in the car, taking a nap in the middle of the day, or even the first moment you met. The moment they are gone you miss everything that made you love them, made you hate them. You miss everything about them and you are left with nothing of them.

"I had fooled myself into believing that every time I added another notch to my bedpost I had opened myself to the possibility of love, but that was bullsh*t. I can easily look a man in the eye and ask him, “Do you want me?” while I stroke him and press myself against his chest, but how the hell am I supposed to ask him, fully dressed and standing in line at Target, “Do you want me?" I suppose it’s not about “easy” anymore."

--- Elephant Journal

I think we forget you choose to be happy. You choose how you pick yourself up, how you move on. You choose those who surround you based off of how they make you feel, and if you have people around you who make you feel anything less than happy, chances are you don't need them. There are times when you don't choose what happens to you, when you can't control something, but you choose how you deal with it. You let yourself sulk for a few days and then get back out there.
If this summer has taught me anything it is that we aren't invincible. Not every day is a for thing. To me, it is once we realize how fragile life is that we truly start living. I don't mean becoming afraid of the world, I mean realizing that any given moment tragedy can come upon you rather you are in your car, in a movie theater or in your house. With this in mind, I started to make a bucket list. I've made them before, however, I wanted to make one more realistic, one with things on it that I truly wanted to do.

1. I want to sky dive. More than anything, I want to know what it is like to be at the mercy of a stranger, to fall through the sky and to jump out of a plane. 
2. I want to bungee jump somewhere amazing. I looked into this and this might come as a shock to some of you, but the Midwest doesn't have the best places for bungee jumping. 
3. I want to see one of the seven wonders of the world. For a teacher salary seeing all 7 is just too much. 
4. I want to noticeably make a difference in someones life. 
5. I want to experience love at first sight. I've come to believe I'm a hard person to fall in love with and then to continue to love, but this goal isn't something I need to happen to me exactly. I want to see it, or hear two people who have been together for over 30 years tell me it happened to them. 
6. I want to own a horse. 
7. I want to teach until I can't anymore. 
8. I want to go to every state. 
9. I want to visit a shoe tree. 
10. I want to get married 
11. I want to have kids. 
12. I want to have a puppy, preferably a husky or a bulldog.
13. I want to have a boat and live by a lake. 

That's all for now, but I'm sure I'll add to it later. 

What Falling In Love Gets You

This is what you get for falling in love. You get to be obsessed, slightly nauseous, like you’re on speed but better because the comedown doesn’t happen for a long time. You get to have something or someone to look forward to, something more than a new episode of your favorite TV show on your DVR. You get to have the privilege of knowing someone beyond their tweets or stupid, ridiculous Facebook. You get to know what turns them off, what turns them on, what makes them yawn with indifference. You get to know that their dad is an asshole and that their mom was once sick with cancer and that things are sometimes strained between them during the holidays but then they all get drunk and it’s okay for a little awhile. You get to know someone beyond the context of going out and getting drinks. You get to know someone at 2 o’clock in the afternoon on a Sunday when they look like shit and are totally boring to be around. Like, they’re just watching TV and they feel no pressure to entertain you. They’re just being who they are and you’re there to witness it. It is dull but it’s also, in its own way, exhilarating.
You get to share your life with someone and invite them to participate in the most arbitrary decisions of your life. “Chicken or fish tonight?” “Vodka or gin?” “Doggie style or missionary? “Baby or no baby?” You get to be inspired to be a better person, to be the type of lover who knows how to really care for someone. You should want to protect them from everything that’s bad. You don’t want to be the thing they need to be protected from. No no, they’ve already had that, they’ve already been burned. You want to be the best partner, an antidote to all the other lackluster ones they might’ve had in the past.
You get to know that if you ever died alone in your apartment, your body would be discovered shortly thereafter. It wouldn’t be left to decay and ultimately be found by your landlord. You get to know that you really affected someone’s life. You left an indelible mark. They will never be the same after you. They will cry, cry, cry in your absence. It all sounds so morbid but, I don’t know, it feels so nice knowing that you have the ability to leave someone grief stricken once you’re gone.
You get to go on vacations and screw all day in some hotel room. You get guaranteed sex, the kind of sex that you know and love and are sometimes bored by but it’s okay because you love them and a little boredom never hurt anybody, right? You get to drink too much at dinner and have someone put you to bed. It’s better than passing out alone, isn’t it? You get to see new things with a partner, revel in fresh experiences together, Instagram photos of you two smiling near a waterfall and be too in love to worry about being cool. Only single people have time to care about maintaining the perfect internet persona.
You get to be a goddamn brat. You get to push the wrong buttons and kick and scream, and trust that you won’t be penalized for it. You get to test their patience away, run them against the wall, be an overall insane crazy person, and still be forgiven.
You get to say no. You get to say yes. You get to say screw you. You get to be okay. You get to be safe. You get to be in love.

-TC

It was hard not to consider where you were at that moment, what you would have been doing. When we call someone, we’re inevitably poking our noses unexpectedly into a life that is very much in the process of being lived. They’re out at a bar, they’re having a serious conversation, they’re watching a movie. There is something going on that you are now interrupting, and though it’s not a crime to tap them on the shoulder, the moment you walk into changes everything about the conversation. I thought of how embarrassed I would be if you had picked up with sharp, shouted bar talk filling the room behind you. If you were surrounded by friends, by opportunity, by everything that I didn’t want to think about — how would I talk to you? You telling me, “I can’t hear you, can you speak up?” with your friends laughing in the background, and me doing what? Telling you I’d call you later? That couldn’t be the context of my call.
Why am I calling? I’m calling because, though the inevitable silence following your “Hello?” that necessitates a breathless explanation on my part makes my palms sweat and stomach turn, not calling is no longer an option. The percentage of my days spent thinking about what would happen if I spoke to you, if I reached out, if I said something, now greatly eclipses the time spent where you don’t cross my mind. What was once an itch at the back of my brain, an amusing what-if that was never supposed to be acknowledged, is now an all-consuming need to confirm that, regardless of what direction life has taken you in, you are still familiar of the path that led you there. You know, the one that included us, together, as something that we cannot smother with the passage of time. I guess calling you to say hello, to even confirm that you still exist with that same voice and the “hmm” I can hear when you smile through your words, is more necessary than it is uncomfortable.

What I wanted to tell you was how damaged I am. I wanted to tell you where that scar was from, why I don't walk over grates, why I change the radio every time that song plays.
What I wanted to tell you was I fall apart often and in private. I wanted to tell you my past haunts me, my present makes me happy, and my future frightens me. I wanted to tell you I'm a lot stronger than all the things that have made me weak, and that I don't do things for you, but for myself.
What I wanted to tell you was nothing is ever like what it seems. I wanted tell you that you had only seen the tip of the ice burg, and the monstrosity that is below will shake the foundation of my life.
What I wanted to tell you was that I wish you had been there. I wish you had come to me and held my hand, and that I hadn't had to sit alone and wait. I wanted to tell you that I've thought about it so many times, how different it would've been if you had been there. I wanted to tell you that I know you would've been if I had known you.
What I wanted to tell you is you deserve better. I wanted to tell you I adore the way you still make me nervous and the way you still hold my hand, I wanted to tell you I'm afraid I'll never be what you want, what you need. I wanted to tell you I love you.
What I wanted to tell you happened 9 years ago. I wanted to tell you the way it hurt me, the way it hurt my relationships with people, the way people ignored it. I wanted to tell you why I worry about my future children and why things are the way they are.
What I wanted to tell you was something I only ever told one other person. I wanted to tell you one of my biggest secrets, one that literally unraveled me and I'm still picking myself up. I wanted to tell you these things because carrying the burden alone has become a lot.
What I wanted to tell you was that it's what you aren't saying that is speaking the loudest, and what I wanted to tell you was that I can't take the screaming anymore.

Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you moved me. The way that no matter the time of day I could find you in the littlest of things. A random rhythm in nature, a melody on the radio, the way there didn't need to be sound for you to creep up in my mind.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you held me. When no one else seemed strong enough to protect me while I crashed down, when no one else seemed gentle enough to keep me from cracking. You always had the right type of nurture, the right tone to fix what was breaking inside me. You always had the perfect way of helping me shine in my brightest moments.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you let me express myself. There was never any set pattern with you. You let me be spontaneous, you let me plan every move down to the second, you let me ignore you for days and then let me use you for hours with out ever getting moody.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you were always there. Through ups and downs you never let me down. Sorrows came, and for years there were many, and at 2 am I could rely on you to make it better. Happiness happened and you were always there for me in my kitchen, my room, in the hallways.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you encouraged me. The way that you told me to try one more time, even after seventeen. I'd be covered in bruises and sweat and tears and you always had an encouraging word that would make me want to try again. You always saw more in me than I ever did in myself. I've missed that more than anything.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you kept me. You kept me sane, you kept me fit and you kept me happy. You taught me how to control myself, how to keep myself and once I learned I let you go, in ways I never meant to. I got so busy, keeping myself, you slipped away unnoticed. And then today I heard that song, that melody, that silence, and I thought of the ways you've changed me, the ways I've missed you and I guess I just couldn't hide it.
I've missed you because you made me better, I'm jealous of those who still have you in their lives. You helped me create bonds with people I will forever have, you helped me be a better person, and I left you, ungratefully.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the Saturday ballet classes, the early morning rehearsals, the leotards, the shoes, the costumes, even the intoxicating hairspray. I miss the way you consumed my time, but you made me value everything more because of it. I have missed the way you taught me to move, from pointing my toes to the splits and leaps and turns. The way I was never going to be good enough for you but I was always going to be good.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed dance more than ever before.

Love and Be Loved

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.

This weekend I embarked on a trip to Tucson, Arizona for Kappa Alpha Theta Grand Convention, a trip that, as cheesy as it sounds, has forever changed the way I will look at my sorority. The first night we were there I sat in a room filled with over 700 of my sisters.  A room full of women, leaders, scholars, and beauty inside and out, and these women were my sisters. We spent the next few days talking about improving ourselves, congratulating each other on our many accomplishments, supporting each other in our difficulties and simply celebrating 142 years of sisterhood. I felt more love from strangers than I ever had in my life, from a simple “I’m a Theta too!” to a random girl hugging me in the elevator because my shirt said, “I need hug” with a picture of Dumbo. Tucson was overflowing with Theta love. And that became the theme of the week to me, love. A goal in my life is to love and be loved, because with that all things good are possible. But it wasn’t until this week I realized I looked at my goal in the wrong way. To love and be loved didn’t have to involve marriage, or a boy at all, I can achieve my goal, I can gain all things good, simply through my sisters.

On that note, my sister’s raised my standards gentleman wise. I had the privilege of sitting next to a remarkable woman, whose almost equally remarkable husband opened a 25,000 dollar scholarship in her name to help out her sisters who he knew she loved more than anything. So my new standard developed at that table: a man who not only appreciates my love for my sisters but tries to understand it. And while I realize men aren’t the only ones that can make us feel loved, I’m thankful that I have a life full of them that do.

 On Friday we had fun night, we danced and sang, but my night took a quick turn after a phone call that informed me one of my high school friends had passed away in a car accident. Not wanting to ruin others nights I waited to go inside until I got it together, but walking through the doors into the building and being greeted by two ladies from my chapter I broke down. Because we can’t seem to lie to our sisters can we? At a time where everything seemed wrong and upside down, and no one had the right words, I didn’t feel completely alone.

So, in conclusion, I won’t ever be able to find the words that will express how the past five days have changed me. How the people I have surrounded myself with in my life have impacted me, and how happy I am that on that day in September of 2010 I accepted a bid that quickly became one of the best decisions of my college career. Theta hasn’t only taught me to raise my standards, to help others and to be the best I can be at all times, it has taught me to love and be loved. Theta has brought me all things good. 

To whom it may concern,

I thought about us today. About how we were going to sit on some wrap around porch drinking sweet tea out of mason jars and watch our kids and dog play. Yes, we are having at least one dog. I thought about how in our younger years we will take the kids to church in the morning, even though you'll complain it is too early, you will always get up with me and go through the struggle of getting them ready because you know how important this Sunday morning ritual was to me growing up. I thought about the nights we are going to spend together, after everyone is asleep, drinking whiskey or wine or anything we can get our hands on, and happily entering the haze that sometimes come with those drinks. And we will sit down stairs, or in our room, talking, laughing, becoming close again. You will ask me to dance on those nights, on any nights, in our living room, at a restaurant, in the park, because you know that I love dancing even if I'm too shy to ask. We will go on date nights together as often as possible, because you know how important it is to me that even after children we keep our relationship first. It sounds selfish, but you know it isn't. You know that I want our kids to see love, because that is what they will grow into.
You'll kiss me every time before we part, even if it is only for thirty minutes, and every night before we go to bed. There's a statistic that proves men who do this live longer, so you know it is just because I'm trying to help you live a healthier life. And even when we are older and it's just the two of us, we will still hold hands in the car, and drive down dirt roads with the windows down singing George Strait or some other country artist. People will see us out in public, arms intertwined together, like all the elder couples I see now a days, and they will want what we have. And who could blame them.
If either of our memories start to go, we will remind each other of our love every day, of our story. And I will remind you what time your favorite show is on simply by turning on the TV because I know you hate it when I act like I know everything, even if you can't remember my name sometimes. And you, like you have done for years, will drag me outside at 2 am for the meteor showers, every single one of them, because you know how much I love them, even if I forget.
Even at the age of 70 you will go to any doctor appointment with me if I'm getting a shot because you know I'll need a hand to hold. And when we go to the zoo, you always stay by the elephants with me until the end of time because even though you know I love them, you also know I have a deeper, meaningful relationship with them. And when we go on walks you'll go ahead of me to clear a path between the geese and ducks because you know that ever since that one bite me all those years ago I've been terrified of them.
And sometimes we will go down to the lake, the river, the pond. We will sit there, watching the sunset or sunrise over the water and skip rocks, which I'm horrendous at. We will take trips to the lake, where even though I grew up on the lake you will still have to teach me how to drive a boat, a task you find simple. And you will always be patient with me, and I will always be patient with you, but I promise I will always be impatient as well. Something you will love and hate.
We will make homemade gifts for each other, we will do our own housework, and you will condone all of this because you know how important it is to me to keep things to simply and classic. And sometimes you will bring home flowers, just because. And you will know that while roses are nice that I love daises and wild flowers, and while you could buy them, I like when they are picked. It isn't because we are cheap, although we probably wont ever have much money, but it's because wild flowers are pure. Like us. We will love each other, and when things aren't easy we won't throw away our relationship, but work to fix it. Just like your grandparents did. But I don't have to tell all of this to you. Because you know, or you will. Wherever you are you know.

--Inspired by Sadie Lewis--

Falling in Love Again

Your first love is a feeling that you never forget, it is hard to explain. You pour your heart, your soul, into the relationship, into the other person. You jump into the relationship with recklessness, not afraid of what you might hit on the fall, what you might hit in the end. You leap, tumble, and throw every bit of yourself into this first love because you have every bit of yourself to do just that. You do it all with out looking.

But this isn’t about first loves; it’s about the second, the third, the fourth, and the tenth. It’s about all the times you try to fall in love after that. Because falling in love the first time was different, it was effortless, one moment you were looking at the person and you realized that you loved them, and that was it, you didn’t think about how bad it hurt the last time you were in love and it ended, the first time didn’t have a last time. The first time you fell in love you hadn’t had to change the radio station to avoid listening to a song that may make you cry because of it’s emotional connection to your last love, you hadn’t had to get rid of everything that reminds you of them. By the time you start to try to fall in love again you are missing pieces; you aren’t who you were the first time. You’ve been hurt, you’ve been in love and it ended. You jumped without looking and the collusion at the bottom hurt a lot, and how many people I ask would jump without looking again after that?

That’s why falling in love again is different than the first time. You are more careful. You give yourself more slowly emotionally, and perhaps faster physically. Because now you know the beautiful, nauseating, whirlwind of love. You know that something’s can get in between love, that it isn’t invincible like we like to think.

When you fall in love again, it is different, it is hard to explain. Unlike the first time you truly fell in love, you are now doing it all over again knowing that it could hurt, you could shatter. The first time you gave yourself away in love unused, you were fully you. The second time, the third time, the fourth time, you give yourself away you’ve been through a lot, not just in love but also in life. You have baggage, the other person has baggage, and you have to learn to love despite that. You can’t love as fiercely, for fear of breaking, you love more gently.

The next time you fall in love it will be a feeling that you never forget. It is so hard to explain, you will still jump, tumble or fall but it will all be so different. 

-- Inspired by Thought Catalog--

Change

 "Only when the most innocent part of you suffers can there be change." 

We find heartbreak when we are suffering. We find pain, tears and sorrow. But we find strength when we are suffering. We find our friends, family and ourselves. What brings us pain can vary, from internal or external sources, at some point in life something attacks the weakest, most innocent, part of us and we wallow in that pity. Some of us want to fight back, to scream, some of us want to change and grow. To be the person we have always wanted to be. 

Lately I've made a series of mistakes. I could talk about how I want to take them all back, but I feel like that is a given. I spent time wallowing in how bad I felt, how upset I was, until I realized that there was a more proactive way to get through this. To come back from this. 

The quote that I used at the beginning of my blog comes from a miniseries called the Hatfield's and McCoy's that was on the history channel. I was watching it one night with my boyfriend, and the quote just stuck with me. Of course, a few days later the quote was very relevant to my life.

 "Only when the most innocent part of you suffers can there be change."

When we are suffering, we want to change, we want something to be different, we want to be happy. Right? I know I do. But staying weak, acting like you had nothing to do with your suffering, acting like there is nothing you can do to change it, is pathetic. I realize that it is time to change. It is time to be the person I want to be, have always wanted to be. We fall in a cycle, not realizing the people we could hurt or disappoint, and I don't know about you, but I don't want to be that person anymore. 

We all make mistakes, but only some of us accept the responsibility, only some of us change. You may not like yourself after what happened, but you can find yourself. You can become a better you. I know that's what I want to do. It's what I wish I had done long ago.

If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? What will make you do it?