Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Guilty Hearted

Feeling guilty is not a feeling I'm new too. When I was in 7th grade I stole a piece of gum out of a pack at the piano store I took lessons at. I spent the next week feeling so bad that not only did I ruin a pack of gum, but that I didn't pay for it. So the next week I went back to my lesson, I told my piano teacher, and I paid for not just one pack of gum, but two.
Tonight I went to see The Vow and it was funnier than I thought it would be, and not only did I enjoy the movie, but I also enjoyed the company. So ask anyone, I'm a crier, I probably cry at least once a week. So obviously I cried at this movie. For those who have seen it, it isn't the part you think, for those who haven't, unless you don't mind a bit of a spoiler, you should probably stop reading.
In the movie Paige, post coma, is standing in her mother's garden talking to her about why she stayed with her father after he cheated on her. Her mother goes on to explain about a moment, when she was all alone in the house and looking around at the pictures of Paige and her sister and realized that she couldn't leave, that their was a family, and she had to stay to keep it that way. It was at this moment I felt guilt. Not the kind of guilt that I felt in 7th grade though, it was a guilt that pulled my heart straight into my stomach squeezing it tight. It was a guilt that created a lump in my throat, reminding me of the time I accidentally swallowed an ice cube whole in my grandparents basement and had to drink hot water to melt it so I could breathe. Before I knew it my eyes were hot and leaking (also known as crying apparently.) If you have never felt this kind of guilt then you are a better person than I.
So what could make me feel this way during this particular scene you ask? Paige and her mother's confrontation, in particular her mothers response, reminded me so much of my family dynamic. It has been made obvious that the reason my parents still live together is because of me and my siblings. And they live together and continue to be very unhappy. And that is where the guilt comes from, knowing that, while it was their choice, I'm a factor into someones unhappiness, and not someone who I don't particularly care about, but my own parents.


"The guilty one is not he who commits the sin, but the one who causes the darkness."
- Victor Hugo

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