Dear 2011

This time last year my life was totally different. I was getting ready to bring in the new year with my family and my friend Sean that was off to his Army base after the new year. And the year brought more struggles and tears. So in celebration of the new year I want to write myself a letter. A letter from me now to me then.

Dear 2011 Courtney,
So you are moving into the year 2011, isn't that crazy? Remember that, always remember how fast a year goes by, especially the closer you get to the end of college. You start this year off hard and it doesn't get easier, you lose a lot in 2011 and gain a little but it isn't the quantity but the quality of each thing that balances it out.
You become more reserved for a while. You turtle inside yourself and try to fulfill the role of being an army girlfriend, in fact you try to fulfill the role of just being a girlfriend. But the guys weren't right for you, you needed more, you deserved more. There will be times you feel demanding, but you aren't. For instance you'll almost lose someone you love in February, and your "boyfriend" wont even answer the phone when you call. But honey, you can't blame him, he wasn't made to love you that way, and you'll find that out in May. Hold him at a distance, he won't go anywhere and understands you need time. It is a weird feeling though and it wont go away, knowing how long someone you love can lie to you.
Also, hug Dad as often as possible. He loves you more than you will ever know. And don't always assume he is the bad guy. You are going to learn a lot about your parents relationship this year and it isn't going to be flattering for one of them. Remember, despite their decisions, they love you with everything they got. You have always been blessed with that.
Now let me be the first to tell you, you are beautiful. I know it's almost like hearing it from mom and dad, but those boys in your life don't quite figure it out. Except for one, you'll meet him and at an inconvenient time but being with him is worth every inconvenience. He is also worth all those late nights. Always remember you can sleep when you are dead. No one looks back at college and wishes they had slept more.
Never settle for someone who doesn't see how beautiful you are in every unique way, because lets face it, we can be kind of weird. But that isn't and never will be a bad thing. Keep calling it like you see it, and keep your head up. Don't ever apologize for who you are and don't ever expect someone else to appreciate it, if they don't move on. You do you girl. You are only 18 and have your whole life in front of you. You don't need a guy and you don't need constant reassurance. You will lose a lot, like I have said, but it changes you and in such incredible ways. For awhile you think you need to be with in yourself and do that for as long as you want, but there is nothing wrong with having been hurt and betrayed and still being open and loving. It makes you a stronger person. So fall in love with everything, give everything your all. Give your heart out to people who don't deserve it, give your heart to people who do. Let someone abuse it and then you can stitch it back up. These people don't make or break you, they teach you about life. Because life is hard. However, the only thing you have to be afraid of in life is looking back and wishing you had tried harder.
You can't live with no regrets, but you can sure as hell try to.

Peace love and gap,
2012 Courtney

Cutting the BS

I always tell myself that I blog for me. That is why I don't re read before I post, why I don't care if I make mistakes or even really if I make any sense at all. This is also called laziness and I happen to be a pro at it. But I think I have lost a sense of why I write this blog. I'm not writing for me. Sure I write about what I want and I say to an extent what I want to say, but I also watch what I'm saying and how I'm saying it and skipping over topics that are on my mind because I don't want to hurt or offend someone. I'm not writing for me, I'm writing my thoughts in a PG rated way. Now, I have never wrote anything that I didn't really believe or thought but I haven't been writing to the extent I could. So this is where it stops. I care about what everyone in my life thinks and I don't ever want to hurt anyone or say something to offend someone but this is my blog, my thoughts, my world and if you don't like it then you can make the decision to not view it anymore.

That is all.

One of the Only

It seems that a lot of my blog post have been inspired by movies, although it is that time of the year to just lay around so it makes sense. A scene from Country Strong is the inspiration for this post however. Again nothing spoiler alert worthy but if you haven't seen the movie you really ought to. There is a scene were Beau goes and picks up Kelly from the bar and she is laying in the back seat with Chiles and she tells Chiles "Be nice to Beau, okay? He thinks he's so tough but I ain't never had a man be so gentle with me. He's one of the good ones. He's one of the only good ones." And that is the phrase that gets me every time.
I think we can all say that we have had our share of failed relationships, I know that in the past I have dated some real winners (please note the sarcasm). But how do we know when we have one of the "good ones"? I think it is when, like she said, someone who seems so tough but is so gentle with you. Someone who is so amazing you worry someone is going to steal him away even though you trust him so much you know he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you. Someone who doesn't just love you in spite of your flaws but loves your flaws too.
And as I watch this movie I got to thinking about my own relationship and how he makes me feel. When I first met Brandon, or the first time I consciously remember meeting him, we were sitting outside and he was trying to find a ball they cut in half earlier, after failing to do that he pulled a knife out of his pocket and cut one in half. He had on cowboy boots and a leather jacket and I can remember thinking "why the fuck does he carry a knife?" He had this thing about him, that all of my ex boyfriends had lacked, he was protective. My friends always say that he looks tough, and he does, maybe its the beard of jacket but I love it. I love that he looks protective, in fact there isn't anything that I don't like about Brandon. But he had something else all of my other ex boyfriends had lacked, he was sensitive too. He laid with me in the dark when I had a migraine, he gives me a jacket when I'm cold, and he listens when I talk. He accepts my flaws and I can always expect him to be honest with me, and vice versa. He's one of the good ones. He's one of the only good ones.

The Wind That Fills Your Sails

"Love is too strong a word to say it too early, but it has too beautiful a meaning to say it too late."

Recently I ventured to the movie theaters, something I despise doing unless it's four dollar movie nights on Tuesdays or I'm dying to see the movie, with my friend Matt (don't worry it was free). But we saw the movie the Descendants. I won't give away any detail so no need for a spoiler alert, however I want to talk about the opening scene. Elizabeth, the wife to George Clooney, is in the hospital in a coma after a boating accident. The movie begins with him sitting in the hospital by her bed talking to her. He says he knows he was gone a lot, and that their marriage wasn't the best, and that if she wakes up he will stop traveling, he will be the best husband, and they can go to counseling and finally, finally figure out their marriage.

When my dad was in the hospital I saw this happening too. Not while I looked through his medication to take it the hospital, not while I broke at least 12 traffic laws to get to the hospital, but when I sat in the room with my mom outside calling our family, while the doctors where frantically moving in and out of the room and my dad's eyes kept rolling back in his head. It was that moment, while I just sat there crying that I kept thinking, if he just wakes up, if he is just okay I swear I'll scratch his back more, answer my phone when he calls, not get mad about little things, spend more time at home, and maybe get after him a bit about how much beer he drinks. Or when my mom would sit in there and come out after a few minutes crying. She always went in alone so I couldn't ever tell you what she said but I know that February changed their relationship for a bit. They said "I love you", they shared a bed, and a few times they went to a movie or dinner together. Things changed. 

When something bad happens, when there is truly nothing we can do to change the outcome but we have to let professionals take over or just accept the fate, that is when we are ready to change, when we are ready to tell someone we love them and care about them and really would change to make things work. We wait till the last minute to offer all these things. Is it because we know we might not have to do them like when we make deals with God, "God, if I'm not pregnant I swear I'll wait to have sex again till marriage?" we know that if we aren't pregnant we sure as hell aren't holding up the end of that deal. Or is it the timeless tale of realizing the value of the person in our lives while we are losing them? 

After my dad's hospitalization I started to do things different. I answer when he calls, not always but mostly, and I try to talk to him every day, I don't always scratch his back and I get after him on his alcohol intake, but what changed the most was my own realization of the people who are important to me. To me each hug is different, not just from my dad but from anyone my mom, sister, brother, friends, or boyfriend. I'm quick to love someone and care for them, and I love everyone deeper than I use to. I want the people in my life to know they matter to me. And maybe that is how we should all be. It shouldn't take a near death experience for us to change how we love.

Butterflies

Earlier today I was talking to Brandon about how he still makes me nervous. Some may argue that this is a bad thing, that it shows I'm not comfortable around him, but I think it's quite the opposite. I rattled off one of the longest explanations to him, but I'll try to shorten it up for you guys. I see him and still get butterflies in my stomach, are you gagging yet? because it gets better. I always want to impress him, to not look like hell when I see him, and to always be fun, and I get nervous when I think he is bored. I always want to be the girl that is on his mind and the girl he tells his friends about and in relationships I think its healthy to be nervous. It gives the relationship a spark, it keeps you looking for new things to do, it keeps things exciting, by being nervous it is a reminder that nothing is a sure thing, the moment you stop being nervous you begin to look for something else.
Which is where my belief about jealousy comes from. I'm a jealous person, I get self conscious when Brandon says someone is hot, or when he spends more time with another girl, and I might be over jealous in many ways but I have always been in relationship where the guy tells me its wrong to be jealous. Now, lets not get jealousy confused with trust. I trust Brandon and know he wouldn't do anything, but it plays into always wanting to impress him and always wanting to be the girl on his mind. A little jealousy is good in a relationship, it is always nice to know someone is worried about losing you, even if there is no chance in hell they will.
I hope that there isn't a day in any relationship I have that I don't get jealous and that I don't get nervous. I hope the spark doesn't die and I hope the person I'm with wants the same thing.

Steal Your Attention

"And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us"

-- Making Memories of Us: Keith Urban

For most college couples winter break can really make or break a relationship, especially if you are just starting out. Trust, like most know, is something that plays a huge part in relationships. It can actually make or break one. It can be the only reason we believe "No, baby nothing happened" and the only reasons we refuse to. It causes fights but can make us believe anything. Trusting your partner when they have no reason to tell you something isn't easy.
Entering winter break was really nerve racking for me, I made sure to say a quick good bye to my boyfriend so I didn't get sad and ruin the last few moments we had together and jumped in my car and watched him walk to his in my rear view mirror. I've always had problems trusting boys but he has always been different, so why shouldn't I trust him? And that mentality, dear readers, is exactly how this break has been working.
With trust you don't only have to trust the person not to do the wrong thing, but  trust them to tell you when they mess up. It is so easy, especially over winter break, for couples to hide things from one another. Who is going to tell? How will the other find out? These questions shouldn't ever play a factor into being honest with each other. Winter break is so hard because we are away from those we have grown so fond of at school and yet we are excited to be back with our old friends. Trust is something that is so fragile it takes years to build and moments to destroy. So my question for you, when your boyfriend or girlfriend says "No, baby nothing happened" do you believe them?

Looking In The Rearview Mirror

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forward."

-- Soren Kierkegaard

In life it is important to look back on the events that have brought us to where we are in order to understand how we got there. In moments of tragedy and heartbreak we don't see how it might play out in the grand scheme of life, only how it affects us at that moment. As I move into my second semester of sophomore year I continuously feel older, probably because I am. But I'd like to take a moment and just think about the events that have happened since the begin of the year. 

I started wanting everything I'm glad I don't have now, weird how that works out. I started out with a job I hated, too many credit hours, and a 40 hour practicum for a major I wasn't even sure I wanted to do anymore. I was living in a dorm I hated with my best friends, and dreading a week when the only people I'd be with weren't that close to me. After two days of "polish week" I fell in love with the girls I was surrounded with and began spending all my time with them, and sometimes I wish we could still be at the house every night until midnight. My job got better and I fell in love with the kids, which made Mason going through chemotherapy a few weeks ago so much harder. I dropped a class and escaped with a 3.5, and fell in love with my practicum. I finally stopped being so afraid and applied for a position in my sorority and now am the proud social chair. So yes all the bad things turned into things I fell in love with. But like always, some of my expectations fell short. I worked so much I felt like I was missing out on a lot of things with my friends, I had to balance my sorority sisters with my dorm hall friends, and when it came to guys I was all over the board, in the same fraternity. I'd be lost without my family and roommate. Sarah endured me being pissed, stressed, crying and so many other things this semester without missing a beat, whether it was laying in bed with me while I cried or awkward pillow talk. But I've gained so many friends in my sorority who have shared equally awkward stories and supported me when family issues occurred. And then my boyfriend who, bless his soul, tries to look past all my flaws and still like me for some unknown reason. 

I'd be lying if I said this last semester went just as I planned, in fact everything I planned changed dramatically before school even started. There were moments I didn't think I'd bounce back from and things I didn't expect to work out, but every time I stopped taking something seriously it worked out. And that is what I learned this semester, nothing can't be fixed, never take anything too seriously, and if it is really suppose to work it always will.

While my beginning quote says to understand life we have to look at our past, I think it is important to end this post by saying "There's a reason your windshield is larger than your rear view mirror. It is more important to know where you are going than to look back at where you've been."