Dear 2011

This time last year my life was totally different. I was getting ready to bring in the new year with my family and my friend Sean that was off to his Army base after the new year. And the year brought more struggles and tears. So in celebration of the new year I want to write myself a letter. A letter from me now to me then.

Dear 2011 Courtney,
So you are moving into the year 2011, isn't that crazy? Remember that, always remember how fast a year goes by, especially the closer you get to the end of college. You start this year off hard and it doesn't get easier, you lose a lot in 2011 and gain a little but it isn't the quantity but the quality of each thing that balances it out.
You become more reserved for a while. You turtle inside yourself and try to fulfill the role of being an army girlfriend, in fact you try to fulfill the role of just being a girlfriend. But the guys weren't right for you, you needed more, you deserved more. There will be times you feel demanding, but you aren't. For instance you'll almost lose someone you love in February, and your "boyfriend" wont even answer the phone when you call. But honey, you can't blame him, he wasn't made to love you that way, and you'll find that out in May. Hold him at a distance, he won't go anywhere and understands you need time. It is a weird feeling though and it wont go away, knowing how long someone you love can lie to you.
Also, hug Dad as often as possible. He loves you more than you will ever know. And don't always assume he is the bad guy. You are going to learn a lot about your parents relationship this year and it isn't going to be flattering for one of them. Remember, despite their decisions, they love you with everything they got. You have always been blessed with that.
Now let me be the first to tell you, you are beautiful. I know it's almost like hearing it from mom and dad, but those boys in your life don't quite figure it out. Except for one, you'll meet him and at an inconvenient time but being with him is worth every inconvenience. He is also worth all those late nights. Always remember you can sleep when you are dead. No one looks back at college and wishes they had slept more.
Never settle for someone who doesn't see how beautiful you are in every unique way, because lets face it, we can be kind of weird. But that isn't and never will be a bad thing. Keep calling it like you see it, and keep your head up. Don't ever apologize for who you are and don't ever expect someone else to appreciate it, if they don't move on. You do you girl. You are only 18 and have your whole life in front of you. You don't need a guy and you don't need constant reassurance. You will lose a lot, like I have said, but it changes you and in such incredible ways. For awhile you think you need to be with in yourself and do that for as long as you want, but there is nothing wrong with having been hurt and betrayed and still being open and loving. It makes you a stronger person. So fall in love with everything, give everything your all. Give your heart out to people who don't deserve it, give your heart to people who do. Let someone abuse it and then you can stitch it back up. These people don't make or break you, they teach you about life. Because life is hard. However, the only thing you have to be afraid of in life is looking back and wishing you had tried harder.
You can't live with no regrets, but you can sure as hell try to.

Peace love and gap,
2012 Courtney