I Hope They Serve Vodka In Hell

If the Westboros Baptist Church is what is in heaven then I think hell is going to suit me just fine. If you don't know about Westboros Baptist Church, type it in to google, its one of the few things that actually makes me ashamed to be from Kansas. I won't ever say I hate the Westboros because my hatred for them would make me no better, but instead because they hate something I love and believe in so strongly, I'm just going to love it more. The comedian Lisa Lampanellia, was promoting her book in Topkea, KS (home to the church) when they decided to protest her show. Lampanellia made it known that for every person who showed up to protest with the church she would donate a thousand dollars to a gay mens clinic. 44 people showed up to protest her show (congrats Fred Phelps, your family showed up!) and she donated 50,000 dollars. Their extreme hatred of homosexuality baffles me. In my world I believe that no one should be allowed to tell you what to do with your body or what you do in the bed room. But I guess the bigger picture I'm getting at is the characteristics that qualify someone to go to hell. People say that they don't care if homosexuals get married as along as it isn't in the church because it goes against the bible. So does being drunk or getting a tattoo, so if you want to apply that then I won't be getting married in a church either. People say that it ruins the sanction of marriage, I think someone should talk to Britney Spears and Arnold Schwarzenegger about how "precious" their marriages were to them. The divorce rate is 50 percent, I don't think anyone is risking too much. Homosexuality is close to my heart, I have family members that are gay and friends that are as well, and I would never want to see someone hold them back from being happy because their sexual orientation is sending them to hell (bullshit). How can you say that this person can fight for their country but they can't get married, that they can die for their country protecting your arrogant self but Fred Phelps right to freedom of speech trumps their right to having a peaceful ceremony? If we are living by the bible so hardcore then if I do recall God says to love everyone, so the hatred of Westboros Baptist Church, or anyone who looks at someone else who is different and feels hate, is contradictory & it's looking like hell is going to be a bit overcrowded with all of us down there, I sure hope they have vodka if I'm sharing a space with Fred Phelps for eternity.

Kansas Princess

Since the beginning of August I've had to constantly say that no I do not live on a farm, nor do I own a tractor, I don't only like country music, and yes my town is larger than just my family. I fight like crazy to make it known that my "accent" isn't an accent its a speech impediment I have had since I was little, and that while yes there are farms and fields, my town has a population of 175,000 and is the Top 7th place to live according to CNN. I sent a lot of time fighting to the bone that I wasn't a country girl. But I am. I live in a suburb & have my whole life but if I could I'd live on a farm somewhere in the middle of rolling hills next to a lake. I own a cowboy hat (and wear it), I'm always in the mood for country music, Tim McGraw was my first crush, I like to run around barefoot, I'd rather walk or boat somewhere than drive, I'd rather drive 30 miles to get groceries than 4 hours to get out of a city. I say and do some of the most red neck things & although I hate spiders and snakes, I love nature. Sometimes I even say y'all. I know people who describe cities as beautiful, but I think cities are cool and landscape is beautiful. I'm a country girl. I want to live in Wyoming and have a house at the lake, drive a couple of four wheelers and jet skis, I want a huge truck. I love the country & I love who I am, so poke fun all you want but just know there are farm lands in all states, and Kansas isn't the south.
I went to Table Rock this week no cell service, it was beautiful. I'm not all about technology being a bad thing, in fact I think its great, but for 4 days I was not able to talk to anyone but the people I was with which was fantastic. I wasn't ever worried about where my phone was, no one could bother me with their drama, and for once I could breath. I won't lie my phone being off had a lot to do with having no service but it doesn't change the out come. I got to think a lot and explore some things about myself that I've always wondered about. I missed the people I usually talked to but that made talking to them on Monday so much better.
So I guess I just want to say this, live your life as much as you can now, turn your phone off and stop denying who you are because of some stupid stereotype.

"You are never more alive then when you're almost dead."

My Country Tis of Thee

I want to attend a hot air balloon festival in Alabama (and hopefully ride in one). I want to just see Alaska first hand, and take one of those tiny scary planes to get there. I've already seen the Grand Canyon, Painted Desert, Highway 69, and the Petrified Forest in Arizona, but I want to take my kids there one day and watch their faces light up. I want to see the Hot Springs National Park in Arkansas and stomp grapes, make wine and drive along side the shore in California. I want to go skiing in Colorado, and attended a play at the Westport County Playhouse in Connecticut. I want to watch the sun set behind a historical light house in Delaware, and go to Stone Mountain Park and the Underground of Atlanta in Georgia. I think I'll go to Disney World in Florida and maybe even take a wild spring break at Panama City Beach. I want to see the volcanoes in Hawaii and lay on the beach, and on the total flip side I want to go to the Idaho Potato Museum. I've seen the Bean and been to top of the Sear tower in Chicago, Illinois, but I'd love to go to a Gay Pride parade. I want to hear the roar of race cars at the Indy 500 in Indiana, and while I go to school in Iowa I want to go to the crookedest street in the World, Snake Alley. And I suppose I've lived in Kansas my entire life but I'd love to get out and attend the symphony in the Flint Hills. I want to watch and bet on a horse in the Kentucky Derby (& hopefully win), I want to earn beads (sorry parents) at Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Louisiana and eat lobster in Maine. I want to go to a Baltimore Ravens game in Maryland and visit the Salem Witch Trails site on my way to Martha's Vineyard in Massachusetts. One day, I'd like to go sail boating on the Great Lakes in Michigan, and go to the Mall of America in Minnesota. I want to take an RV and go camping in Mississippi, and while I've been to the Arch and the lakes of Missouri I've always wanted to go to Silver Dollar City. White water rafting is something I've always thought would be fun so maybe I'll do it in Montana, and once I make it to Nebraska I've heard amazing things about their Zoo. It would be pretty cool to spend my 21 birthday in Las Vegas, Nevada, and maybe see Cirque De Soleil. I'll have to start working out more but I'd love to climb Mount Monadnock in New Hampshire. I'd love to walk along the Jersey Shore in New Jersey and I want to fully explore the culture of Albuquerque, New Mexico. I want to stand in Time Square on New Years Eve in New York and have a midnight kiss with someone I love. & it would be so cool to stand on top of a mountain in North Carolina one day and be on the beach looking for sea shells the next day. I want to learn to pick corn in North Dakota, and I want to spend a weekend in Ohio just to say I have. I've been to the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial site, but I want to take my kids there just to show them that some times bad things do happen to good people. I'd like to explore the end of the Oregon Trail, and see the Liberty Bell in Pennsylvania. Perhaps take a Newport Harbor Tour and see the Victorian Natural History Museum in Rhode Island. I'd like to take a mini vacation and head to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina, or go to Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. I've always wanted to see the Elvis Presley Museum in Tennessee after seeing it on Full house, and I've seen the spot where JFK was assassinated but after making the Alamo out of sugar cubes in fourth grade I'd like to see it in person when I go back to Texas. I want to go to Salt Lake City in Utah just to see what all the fuss is about, and have some syrup in Vermont. In Virginia I'd want to see Colonial Williamsburg, and in West Virginia I'd like to explore a coal mine.  In Washington it would be cool to see Mount Saint Helen's, then I'd go to a Green Bay Packers game in Wisconsin (and take my lovely roommate), and lastly I'd go to one of the most haunted places in Wyoming, The Sweetwater County Library. 

I know this is a long post, and no one probably read it, but lets be honest, I don't care, I blog for me not for you (sorry!). But I believe as a fairly wealthy country we should help other countries. But there are a lot of problems in America that we have to address too. Like the tornadoes that have recently ripped through tornado ally leaving towns devastated, for example Joplin, MO and Reno, OK. I think sometimes I forget that our country has its own problems and on the flip side, its own beauty, that I over look. Part of my schools mission statement is to become a global citizen, and while I want to travel to all of those different countries, I'm going to be a teacher, a mother, I have to be realistic. My mom tells me every day that our country is becoming a melting pot, so instead of focusing so hard on trying to get out, I feel like I should explore the country people seem to be fleeing to.

Year By Year

“Don’t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.”

There are just some moments in life when you realize that a year really isn't that long. Today was one of those for me. I was running in my neighbor hood this morning and realized a year ago today I was laying on my friend couch in the basement with 3 of my friends totally hungover watching movies the day after my high school graduation. It was a good start to an amazing summer. Now, I've been running, made breakfast, skyped, printed off pictures from my freshman year of college and am now blogging. But it seems like yesterday I was laying on the couch with those three goons watching movies that I still can't even remember today. And now I only talk to one of them that often, one of them every so often and one of them not at all. There are moments, where a year isn't that long but the events that happened in the year seem to last a life time.
I drove around with one of my best friends a couple days go, my little sister Caylin. We talked about the events that have made up our school year, from my dad being in the hospital, my graduation, me leaving, joining a sorority, getting in trouble, losing something I had held on to for 18 years in a way I never thought I would, losing friends, gaining friends, and a lot of deaths. It wasn't an easy year. It was a rewarding one.
To say I don't miss high school wouldn't be a lie, but it's not really the truth either. I miss my friendships from high school, the unbelievable bond I had with those girls on my dance team that could never be replicated no matter what. I miss my friendships with the people in my grade. I miss a lot about high school. But thats normal, rather we want to admit it or not, you wont ever have the history you have with your high school class with anyone else, rather you talked to all of them or just a few select people, we all went through an amazing amount together. But I gained a new type of friendship with my family and a new type of friendship with all sorts of girls that I love dearly (aka my roommate & C1).
A year isn't that long, when you are sitting in the first class of the semester in August a year can seem like an eternity, but the way you live your life in that year, the events that happen and the events that effect you and change you, well in some way, I'd like to think, one year can last a life time.

From Point A to B

Lets talk for a second about the term "end up with". We use it all the time (ex: whoever I'm going to end up with, wherever I end up). I've decided that I hate it. Now fair warning my blogs until I get back to school could be the strangest ones yet, when you spend most of your time with little kids its hard to think clear. However, on my way home from work one day, and through a long thought process I thought back to when my friend told me that it was just all about ending up in the right spot. But we don't truly end up any where do we? There's a story behind every move, and to me the term "end up" makes it sound like something you don't really want to do. I would never want my future boyfriend or husband to say that he "ended up with me", actually I would prefer something more along the lines of "this is my beautiful wife that I am so lucky to be married to", but that's beside the point :). I believe that we don't just end up somewhere. I believe that, yes there is a plan for us, but that we don't make all these decisions to just end up somewhere, we go where we are suppose to. We do what we want, what we need, what is fulfilling to us, and to end up somewhere sounds like settling, which none of our wants and needs should ever be. Now I write this as an optimistic 19 year old sophomore who still believes in love and that things will happen in my favor the majority of the time, so maybe in 40 years if I'm unemployed, single, and bitter my thoughts will be different. I know what happens to those people who end up homeless, divorce and many other things, they don't (usually) choose for these things to be the out come of their endeavors, so yes maybe sometimes we do end up somewhere, I'm not naive, out of most of my friends I know best that life happens, that we are not invincible but I like to think the bad things happen so that good things can come from it, a new appreciation is made out of the wreckage. I don't know about anyone else but I sure as hell don't want to "end up" anywhere and I never want anyone I'm around to feel like they just "ended up" there either. Ultimately I like to think I control my travels through life and that my destination is ever changing at my will.

Child's Play

"I understand the need for miracles they keep reality from paralyzing you"

It's amazing to me children's ability to make believe. Now bare with me. I babysit these little boys, and they are a handful about 90 percent of the time, but I spend a lot of time with them & they say things I don't understand, run around chasing things I can't see & they love every second of it. I think that's the peak in our lives for most people: childhood. Everything is cheap, a cardboard box can entertain you for hours, and you escape your reality as much as you want. Nothing can't be fixed by a band aid & mom's kiss. But with all things considering as you get older the pleasures in life change. Graduating high school & college are great, get married and have kids and you've never been happier, but after that there are bills & fights & the impact of a break up or a death hits hard because you understand the impact of these things. These little boys make me smile but sometimes it makes me sad to think they can go to a world I can't see anymore, they can escape reality but they leave me here to watch from the outside.

Another great song :) 

I Wish I Knew

"I can't just sit here and have coffee with you. I loved you. I know the other night didn't mean for you what it did for me, but I'm not going anywhere. Just know I can't pretend to feel any less than I do, I just can't."

How do you know? How do you know anything? When you are ready to move on, to be friends, to be more than friends, to move out? How do you know if this is right, if you are wasting your time, & if you really don't care anymore? These are problems in my life. I don't know if I'm ready to be more than friends with a really good friend who I have problems trusting, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with one of my ex boyfriends because I feel like our relationship was based on a lie? & I'm ready to move out, I think, I hope, right? How do I know? Theres a difference between what is actual and what will happen. That's what my freshman year taught me. Everything that I was afraid of happening my first year in college happened. & I'm a stronger person for it. If anything I learned I wasn't invincible. But I sure as hell learned that I will never encounter something I can't get over. Which leads me to tonight. 

Tonight I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up, he told me to read his blog but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I want him to be happy, but I don't really want to read about it. & that's the thing about break ups, we always think we are ready to talk again, to be in each others lives, and then you try. & I'm not saying I'm not ready to be his friend, but mostly that I'm not sure I can ever be his friend. I can see us 10 years from now getting the awkward wedding invite, or maybe calling him to tell him something big like a parent dying, or even grabbing coffee randomly to catch up. Which is what we did tonight, we caught up, and it hurt. I want him to be happy, I want to be happy, but for me I don't know if these two things can coexist. I use to hate it, knowing that the relationship hurt me more than it would ever hurt him. But my mom pointed out tonight that I was in love with the person I wish he was, not who he actually is. I was never in love with him. So I guess it's all about learning to care about the person he truly is. If anything it hurt me more because I loved harder than he did, and that's not something I should ever be ashamed of. But how do you know? Tonight could've been one of the biggest mistakes I made so far, because like my mom keeps saying "that boy cheating on you was the best thing that ever happened to you", and yes, this is true. But seeing him didn't hurt, I didn't smile like I use to, but I didn't feel that gut wrenching feeling either. I was numb. So maybe it was too soon, or maybe not. But I guess you don't ever know until you try. Right now I can't be his friend, he has great friends at school (which he always makes clear, and use to/still does drive me nuts) that I know fill any void that I created, if I did create any. & I know he respects that. So a few coffee dates, a few Morse visits, nothing can ever be the same. But I love him as a brother, and I want him to know that no matter what junction we are at in our lives he doesn't need to wait for me to text him anymore, I'll always be there whenever he needs, just in different ways. 

So how do you know? By trying. Because if my ex has made me realize anything life is too short to sit around and wonder "what if". 

Life in a Container

So I'm in Kansas for 3 months, I've been here for two days & have very little to do besides getting beaten up by three boys I babysit (literally bruises on my back). But I've come to a weird realization, my family is old. My sister will graduate high school in a year, this is my last summer at home, and my brother is moving out official (we hope) in august. So after 11 years in this suburban home, my parents are going to sell it. Which means painting my high school room. For those who have seen it know that it screams one thing: high school. I have posters from homecoming, note cards from prom, almost every corsage and flower I have ever received (yes they are dead), pictures covering the walls, all my academic awards, newspaper stuff, and dance stuff. Every inch of my wall is lined with that stuff and if not that theres two dance posters and two of Orlando Bloom. I have a street sign, a traffic cone, and two house signs, and this isn't even touching what is on and inside my desk. So in order to paint, all of my high school stuff has to do one of two things; go in the trash or into storage. So getting a huge storage bin out of my parent's room I began to fill it. Realizing, all the while, unlike some of my friends at school, I didn't keep in touch with anyone. I didn't talk to someone from high school once a day let alone once a week. & maybe thats because I was so ready for college, a lot of things in high school hurt me to think about so throwing a few pieces of paper into the bin was no big deal. But if high school didn't really matter to me, if I didn't really talk to anyone from high school then why wasn't I throwing this stuff into the trash? There are pictures and posters in my room of people who now I know very little about, lost a lot of contact with, or just plan dislike. & yet one by one the prom cards got put into the bin and pictures from freshman year, because rather I like it or not, this was my high school, and yes because of events that have happened throughout the year I've come to realize that high school is something I truly need to let go, but that doesn't mean I need to let go of the memories. I'm ready to move on, if I could've I would've lived in Iowa this summer. There are some people I don't want to lose contact with forever but mostly high school is a thing of the past, I went to school out of state for the reason that I wanted to be done. The people who truly matter in high school would always be there and if one day I turn to them and they aren't then I will count my blessings for my beautiful friends I made this year. So while I pack my things and unpack my college stuff for the next 3 months I plan to have fun, to go to the pool, gossip with my friends like we use to, spend time with my parents, and make money. Because I'm realizing that I need to fully love every moment I have because nothing after this summer will ever be the same. Who you are right now will only be who you are for today. When you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night you are two different people, rather you see it right now or not.

Self Actualization

"I had always thought of myself as aware and thoughtful, but it had occurred to me that most people believed this of themselves. Even as they cheated on their lovers and averted their eyes from the homeless. You could ask a wife beater if he was a good person and he'd probably say yes."

As my freshman year comes to an end I want to talk about a class I took. Intellectual maturity and personal development. With Wanda. For anyone that goes to my school you automatically know how intense this class could possibly be. The first week we were in the class she asked us, "who are you?" Okay well, I'm a friend/daughter/sister, I love music, I'm nice, so on and so forth. As we shared I realized almost everyone described themselves the same way. And so our challenge started. First semester freshman year we were suppose to find out who we were, not who we thought we were. Everyone wants to believe they are nice and caring, but when push comes to shove thats not always the case.  People who are truly nice, are typically annoying and no fun. So when I said I was nice I wasn't lying but thats not really what I am. I'm bitchy, funny, sarcastic, and sometimes, on accident, offensive, but catch me on a good day with a good friend & I will always have their back. So I struggled, all semester. I made bad decisions, went out too much, struggled in class and fought with friends. I had amazing nights dancing, watched stupid shows with funny people, rearranged my room every time my roommate & I changed boys, called my mom crying, and finally, with everything crashing around me, all my old beliefs and old self leaving every pore, I felt... plain. Not like I was the old me, if I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn't even recognize me. I had pierced my nose & belly button, dyed my hair, and got a tattoo, but that was just physical. Emotionally, I had never felt so naked before in my entire life. I imagined every person looking at me and knowing everything about me, every thought I had. I had never felt so beautiful and so like me in my entire life.
So then Wanda asked, "Who are you?", and while I'm still changing and still discovering I would never describe myself as a good person, I've made too many mistakes to be one. So while I can't fully answer and I know you probably don't care, with all of this I have realized that we are never who we think we are, we aren't all good people, we don't give every homeless person we see money and we aren't always faithful to our partners.
So that's my challenge to you... I'm asking you... Who are you? Actually. Don't hold back.

Listen to this song, it's amazing & on repeat :)

Peeling Apart The Timeline

This has been the longest week ever. But a blessed one to say the least. A lovely senior send off and will day (three cheers to get the "shacking" will) and a beautiful mothers day with my parents, sister and my other half. Emotional talks and encounters with an old flame, a meteor shower and studying outside, I don't know why people think the weekend before finals week is so bad. However, lately I've been noticing how I let what ended up happening effect previous memories. Bare with me while I try to explain, but it's something I need to get a hold on before I get home in a week and starting tearing down everything on my wall.

In a relationships if my boyfriend cheats on me I look back at the time we were together and think "he never actually cared, he never loved me". Dances we went to together or a trip or even just a random significant night all of a sudden seem like such a crock. (Dramatic yes, but if you actually read my blog it's very normal for me.) So every time I see a picture of a dance, or even think about that person, not only do I want to tear the picture to shreds but my loathing feelings towards the person grow because they ruined a great memory for me. Everything that person has ever said to me rather it be "I'm sorry" or "I love you" or even "I'll be there in fifteen, I can't wait to see you" seem like such a lie, that they never even meant it. And rather or not they actually ever cared I realize now, while I was standing in Forever 21, that letting this effect me is not fair. To let someone take away memories that I love and make them something that hurts me to think about is only letting them win more. So this is what I mean by not letting what ended up happening effect previous memories. You should never let someones bad decisions make you look back negatively upon something that use to make you so happy. Separate the events, the cheating from the dances, the lying from the trips, and the heart break from the memories.

First Star I See Tonight

The simple things in life are the ones that matter.

Last night only proved to me that alcohol isn't always necessary for fun. I, expressing my true nerdy side, and along with my friends went and watch the meteor shower out in the middle of no where. Not only was I convince that out in the boondocks of Iowa we were going to be murdered, but I also ended the night with a nice wound. After situating on the hood of the car, then again on the trunk we witnessed some pretty awesome streaks of meteors. Sometimes its nice to get away from the city and see true stars. We took silly pictures and ate taco bell in celebration of Cinco de Mayo, and it was the most fun I've had all week. It was a moment where for once, in a really long time, I didn't feel like I was disappointing anyone, I wasn't worrying about what I was wearing or how I looked, I laughed, screamed, and literally stared at absolutely nothing. I felt like me again, in the simplest form. Which brings me to my last thought about the beautiful meteor shower. The last time I watched one was in August right before I left for college, last night I was watching in May the week before I leave to go home after my first year in college... weird. & Laying there I reflected on how much has changed between those two times. I lost many loved ones, I almost lost my dad, I made a huge mistake, and took a couple of chances with new and old loves, and then fell right on my face. But most importantly, while I lost so much, I gained more than I could ever imagine. I was afraid of losing my high school self, my high school friends, but when I finally realized that if they were worth anything than they wouldn't disappear, and that is kind of how it worked. To say I love the girls on my floor would be an understatement. To say my roommate is the most beautiful and honest person I have ever met would be too. I'm excited to go home, to spend time with my family, but if I could stay here all summer I would in a heart beat. I lost alot between those meteor showers, but I gained so much more, and last night I saw more meteors shoot across that sky than I did back in August. Coincidence? I think not.

The night also consist of me trying to convince my friends this was the best song ever. Right guys? :)

Contradictory Death

Osama's death has be recognized and celebrated across campuses all over the country. The above video clip is the celebration at Iowa State. Call me unpatriotic but I think the whole "eye for an eye" attitude is wrong. Martin Luther King Jr said "‎I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." We, as children, were taught that death was not to be rejoiced, that murder was not right, and that we shall not kill. But when there are riots breaking out on the streets after the death of Osama are we holding a double standard. It's just another double standard that we as Americans hold, we believe in not murdering people but we start wars, have the death pertly, and celebrate the death of certain people. We help "corrupt" nations build a new government and take care of homeless people, but our unemployment rate is high and people are questioning rather our President was even born in America. In my opinion death shall never be celebrate, as the saying goes an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. 

Family Matters

The foundation of my life is my family. In the nineteen years I've made more mistakes than I'd care to admit but what always gets me is that my parents are always right. They say things like "don't date that guy he is not good for you" and what a shocker, rather its weeks or a few months later their predictions become true. Or simply when they say "No" (and I actually listen), I usually avoid getting into some sort of trouble. But even after I don't listen and all the times that I have laid in their bed crying over drama, grades, or even my siblings, they never say I told you so, they never say that I should've listened, they just sit there and try to reason with me. My mom and dad definitely played devils advocate with me. When deciding where I wanted to go to school my parents had very different view points on what would be the best for me, and I have no doubt that I would've enjoyed either place, but they make me think and I eventually choose the best one for me.

I'm lucky to have such great parents. We may not be the model family but after a year of college I never realized how much they let me be my own person. I'm more open minded because of them. In my house if you wanted to go to church, then go, but you didn't have to, and with political issues I always believed what I want but when we had disagreeing arguments I listened. Living in that house taught me to question my beliefs constantly but to always hold on to them. My views are my views, not my parents, and in college I try to test my beliefs as often as available. I went to a pro life speech about a women who as an infant survived an abortion. Yes, the process its pretty sick, and I listened to her talking about how much her life mattered until it got preachy and then I played brick breaker. Call me insensitive but I believe every ones life matters, including the mother of the baby. I will always say I'm pro life for myself pro choice for everyone else. But that's another thing my parents have taught me, to be respectful of others beliefs. 

I guess what I'm trying to get at out of my rant is always cherish your parents, they got you were you are today, and theres a good chance they know whats better for you than you do. & rather they were as positive of an influence as my parents were or not, just know they love you the best they can. My parents are my best friends & I couldn't be more lucky.