Life By The Knot

"You'll appreciate this when you are older." 

I don't know about you guys but my parents use to say that to me all the time. One thing I never thought would happen though was my appreciation for a person growing with age. This weekend I spent time in Haysville visiting my 78 year old grandma. When I was younger we lived by her and saw her more often but in 3rd grade when we moved away and closer to my dads parents my connection with her faded and became a once or twice a year type of thing. So I became closer to my dads parents, as crazy as they are and my appreciation for my grandma was less. She was a bit more distant, and when we went to visit, she spent more time talking to my mom than us. What I never realized was how much I would be able to relate to her down the road.
From Saturday till Sunday I got to talk to her, have her teach me how to crochet (my mom and grandma think that all sewing aspects are important for girls to know, there for I can quilt and cross stitch like no bodies business), and just laugh with her. We talked about the first year of school, about boyfriends and for the first time she seemed actually interested in my life. She even laughed when I made a humping joke at lunch (it was situational don't judge). By opening up these communication lines I learned so much about her. I knew my grandma had been married 3 times (divorced once, widowed twice) I knew she has had boyfriends since then, what I never knew was that the women who taught her how to crochet was a black lady who would tell on her every time she said "crap", or that she'd been doing yoga (we have about the same balance) or even the reason why she wont rearrange her furniture (my grandpa Lloyd made it and its the only way it fits in the trailer). While sitting on a bench waiting for my mom and sister, I told her about boyfriend issues, and instead of getting uncomfortable she wrapped her fragile arms around me and said "baby girl, I'd love to tell you it gets easier, but a break up at 19 hurts just as much as a break up at 78." & We related, we were on the same level of how skeezy guys could be (and after her first husband she probably knew that more than any other women) and on the same level on how it doesn't get easier and people who say it does are full of baloney. That night we sat down and watched my aunt and uncles 40 year anniversary video (it was heartwarming, it was so much better than Disney princess movies because it was real) I realized that my grandma, this little, old, tough as nails woman, who still mows her own yard gave so much to my life and others that I never even realized.
So this is my belief,  I believe that what my parents said was true, you do appreciate some things more when you get older.
I'm just happy I realize this now, and not until it become the "you don't know what you have until its gone" cliche. If only everything worked out that way.

Love love love this song.

Lace Up Their Shoes

Being let down consecutively can put a strain on any relationship. Now rather it is because you have too high expectations, or the other person just sucks is subjective, but the end result is painful nonetheless (did anyone else know that is only one word, holy guac!). There is a saying that goes "an eye for an eye" now if you take that saying in a more positive twist, you would expect that if you would do something for someone they would return the favor. But lets not be naive, it rarely works that way. So should someones lack of support and affection be a reason for you not to show either of those to said person?

I believe, no. You should always show care, patients and affection for someone, even if they don't reciprocate. 

Currently, I am sitting here at my kitchen table, waiting for a text from my best friend as to if he is coming over or not because he needs to talk (also this is like the only way I ever get to see him). Yup, friend of the year right here (not really). But I've done this before, and while I may be ditched for a significant other, a TV show, or for just being tired, I'd do it any day for my close friends. 

My roommate, Sarah, seriously has some kind of telepathic power and knows just when I need to talk to her. Like when I got in trouble in December she was awake at 5 am when I texted her, or when my dad was in the hospital and I called her she answer at 7 am (all impressive times for a college student, unless of course we haven't gone to bed yet). And I know that she wouldn't only do the things she does for just me (I like to pretend that is so) but I also know not all of her friends return the same attention. 

There is something to be said about "being the bigger person" about people who would do anything for someone close to them even if the act of kindness wouldn't be returned. This might appear I am on some kind of high horse, but I'm not. I have friends that I will sometimes hold the fact I'd do more for them than they would do for me over their heads (how mature of me). My point simply is just because someone doesn't treat you well doesn't mean that is how you should treat them. People show affection in other ways, and some not at all. But you should never pretend you care less than you do, you have to be as real and honest as you can be, and if that means going the extra mile for someone who wouldn't even lace their shoes up for you, than do it. (however don't ever be a doormat, all things are good in moderation! I'm assuming the people who read this are smart enough to know that though. Also be nice I've had serious writers block but knew I needed to write something.)

I love this band & this song. :) 

Str8 Against H8

My mom is one of eight kids. Her youngest sibling, my Uncle is gay. Now take a guess at where he lives?
Did you guess?
California.
He's married. And him and his husband are the cutest, most in love people I have ever met. Being a dancer for 15 years, I have my fair share and more of gay friends. And I love gay people (I bet you can guess what this belief is).
I belief that: Gay people should have the right to marry in all states and in all churches and should be recognized as a couple in all institutions.
I know, you bible thumpers like to fight that the bible says a man shall not lie with a man as a man lie with a women. That being a homosexual is a reason to be stoned. But the bible I'm reading says that God loves everyone, so you can just cath-o-lic-my balls. Oh and of course the people who say that homosexuals can't marry because marriage is suppose to be sacred, cough cough Mark Souder, then cheat on their wives. Sacred my gay loving ass.
I also have friends who believe that gays should be allowed to marry but not in the church because it is against Gods will. Excuse me, so are divorces and infidelity (another reason to be stoned in the bible) so whose getting married in churches now a days? Tiger Woods?
People don't choose to be gay, anymore than straight people choose their orientation. We say that other countries that don't allow women to show skin, or work, who forbid them from a list of things, are immoral, and we don't allow two people that are in love, who just so happen share the same sex organ, get married. That's being hypocritical. Homosexuals don't choose their sexuality, anymore than those women don't choose their gender.
This is one of the only things that I could possibly agree with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on (her lips freak me out). Marriage is just a piece of paper if not everyone can rejoice in the love that it is suppose to be.

I believe in gay marriage and rights. I also believe someone should shove a cock in Fred Phelps mouth.

Amazing video, from an amazing website http://fckh8.com/Top5Reasons/ BUY SOMETHING AND SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE!

Bingeing on Love

I was in kindergarten and infatuated with this black, curly headed kid, Stephon. And by infatuated, I meant only with his hair. I'd chase him down at recces just to pet him, but sadly this common interest in his hair wasn't enough to keep up together to our old ages. Our first real taste of love comes later in life and is bittersweet. It almost like when you take a drink of a clear liquid thinking it is water, but it's sprite. Its cool, refreshing, but not what you expected and the end result of drinking something you weren't expecting is always different than anything you could have ever fathomed.
I was in 6th grade when I met my obsession of about 8 years. He's hair stuck out like a veranda (which btw on Damn You Auto Correct veranda is changed to vagina a lot), he was damn smart (still is) and his older brother was a total babe (he still is too). To me he was the bees knees (the boy, not the brother). By junior year of high school I thought I really loved him, wanted to be with him all the time, always wanted to talk to him. He on the other hand, could text me once a week and be satisfied (I swear I wasn't a stalker). We went to college and one thing lead to another, and we ended up wanting different things. But see, I thought he loved me. And after a few years of "I love you" "I love you too", fights and swearing that one day you will get married, it all crashing down after a week long drinking binge was just ideal (especially after I walked around the parties all week swearing having a bf was no big deal. Apparently my bf felt the same way). Like most break ups, I morned a day, and sometimes after still had trouble talking about it. I went through the period of hating love, but after a week I realized I didn't even really know how to have a relationship. The only "normal" one was based on a lie that I had believed! And if I could be easily fooled once who says it wouldn't happen again.
Yup, that was it. I was done dating. I'd wait till I was 30, join the Christian Mingle site (60/40 percent chance they are straight, 50/50 that they are virgins, & 100 that they live with their moms) marry them and have babies. Fuck love.
But by the end of June I was surprise surprise, I had bounced back. Which brings me to my belief.

Belief # four: There are all types of loves in your life. Puppy, first, true, and so on. I believe that no love is greater than the first, that the love is just different.

I don't believe in soul mates, and if I did with my luck, he would be gay or infertile (I honestly couldn't even tell you which one would be worse). I know there are first loves, and at this moment in my life I can't ever imagine loving someone more, but I know I'll love someone just as much one day. And for now that's the only support I need.

Angus & Julia Stone are brother and sister, and amazing singers. I find something about her voice so captivating. Their cover of the Grease song, You're The One That I Want, is absolutely beautiful & so is all their other stuff. 

The Holes in Fear

I was in 3rd grade when a Firecracker landed on my leg burning through my skin making it look somewhat like Swiss cheese for a month. After those healed, a sparkler caught my hair on fire. I'm terrified of fireworks, the quiet, and sneezing in the dark. We all have fears, more or less irrational. Like my friend, Beth, whose afraid of centipedes. The only thing I ever really learned in psychology (a subject I am now able to teach) was that humans are wired to fear certain things. Such as snakes, or other animals that will kill or harm us. Its like a hard drive that is installed to make us the fittest so we can survive (this is legit, google it if you don't believe me.) But what makes us afraid of other things, such as why am I afraid to sneeze in the dark? Simple because I don't know whats going to be there to hear it. Make fun all you want, but why are little kids afraid of monsters under their bed when they are in a dark room, because they can't see it.

So I believe # two: We create our own fears & the fears we are dealt, we fuel them to make them larger.

Before I understood all the bad things that could happen in the world, I was one brave bitch. But after having my head bashed in by a wall, a sibling die, my parents sleeping in separate rooms, and a friend commit suicide, it is safe to say I quickly made a shell and crawled inside. And who wouldn't?! At my roommates high school a girl got hit by a car and died, and did the drive stop? You can bet your ass he didn't! Two teenage boys shot up a high school (side note: I want to be a high school teacher), killing 12 kids and starting a new fad across the nation. Anyone could be hiding in someones house, anyone could be carrying a gun. My mom always tells me you should assume the worst, and assume it will happen to you. But by submitting to fear, we create an epidemic, and the source of the fear wins. When the Twin Towers tumbled to the ground on 9/11, the country entered a state of fear that 10 years later we have yet to leave. Being safe and being fearful are two separate things.

So belief # 3 (you lucky son of a gun, 2 beliefs in 1!): I believe we can overcome the fear we create.

Let Me Explain

So I'm starting a new thing ( & we will see how long it last) but I thought for the few of you who read this I should explain. I'm starting I believes. Recently I've been having a hard time blogging because I haven't had a lot of problems. So instead of being remembered by my issues I vent about, in times where I need to blog I'd rather tell you, and remind my self, my personally designed moral code. I won't ever say I'm the most religious and moral person, but what I tell you with my "I believe" blogs will help you as a reader understand me more, and remind me what the foundation of my person is built on through stories. So I hope you are up for the ride... it will be a bumpy one.

*Also if you disagree feel free to talk to me about it, I'm always open to other peoples views. It helps my belief adapt and become well thought out.*

Also watch these videos, I freaking love them. 

Belief # One

Do you smile like this?

We've all seen these commercials, crooked teeth, yellow teeth, missing teeth, all sorts of reasons to cover your mouth while smiling, apparently. And besides my stomach, butt, and boobs, my teeth have always been my biggest insecurity. I have two transposed teeth, and my teeth aren't the normal size of adult teeth so they gap in random spots. I've had braces, twice. I wear my retainers every night, and brush and floss (and no I'm not lying, my dentist doesn't read this). But those things don't make your teeth grow, and I can't afford to do so. But despite all of my insecurities about my baby, twisted, teeth I don't smile like that. And when I smile one of my eyes squints so half my face looks Asian (no racist). I hate pictures of myself. But I still smile anyways. & Why do you ask? Because one time, JUST ONCE, someone I loved told me my smile was unique, and that it was beautiful. 

So, belief # one: I believe flaws are the most beautiful thing about a person. 

Drawing Blood

I was 4 years old and my parents had gone out for the night so we had a babysitter. My sister was asleep and me and my brother were playing in the basement. I was setting up my tea party and invited our babysitter to play with me. My brother waltz on over like he owned the basement and sat down in one of my chairs, and I bite him. Hard. Drew blood in fact and am still proud of it today. But I also got sent to time out and the memory ends there.

My parents should've known by then I was going to be one feisty bitch. And I was all while growing up. I broke curfew numerous times, and not just by a few minutes but by hours. I dated any person I knew would drive them crazy, including someone four years my senior. Lied about where I was going and who I would be with. I always said what I was thinking, even when I was young, rather it was the right time or if it was rude. I started cussing in 6th grade. I learned I could "gleak" on demand (look it up) and started shooting my sister in the eye. And once I started hooking up with boys, I was a force to be reckon with. I went to college and would get mad at them and not talk to them for days and I would go against their advice and do things I wanted to do. I won't lie even now I think I know better than them, and I have been proven wrong.
So why the hell was I surprised when my mom told me she worried about me more than any one else in my family? (this including my 17 year old sister who I swear at the age she is dating guys is next in line for Hef's next girlfriend). Because as honest as I am, as bitchy and insensitive I can be, I crumble like the fence of Holocaust camps after WW2 was over (which I'm assuming wasn't an easy task but the outcome was tremendous). I've cried after every break up I've ever been through, I've bawled over grades, rumors, and minor family problems. My heart reaches out to anyone I care about 24/7. My mom, and anyone else who knows me, worries about me because when it comes to saying no, or doing something that displeases someone, I crack like an egg rolling off Mount Kilimanjaro.
But you would never guess that by looking at me.
You can't judge a book by its cover, even when they just sank their teeth into you.

Fair warning I'm on cold medicine, so the metaphors or whatever I'm aware are a little ridiculous. I also find this joke above freaking hysterical.

Late Night Ramblings

Two things I hate. People who text all the time, and people who once they start dating someone they spend all their time either talking to them, with them, or talking about them. It frustrates me when I can predict the conversation before we even have it, when I ask what they are doing for the night and I know its whatever their significant other is doing, or when they tell me the same facts over and over again (his parents love me, 10 days till I see him). SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm glad they are happy, that's great and I want to hear about them and how things are going, but I don't want it to be the only thing we talk about. And when you are hanging out with someone don't make it so obvious you would much rather be somewhere else. Texting the entire time you are with someone is not only rude, but it proves you aren't paying attention. I can't even being to count the number of times I had to stop talking because I knew someone wasn't listening. I also never realized how lonely it is when you have no one to talk to because everyone is so caught up in their relationships.

I don't like the things I'm realizing...
I think I'm sad. I think I'm lonely.

It is nights like these when I really do realize that the base that I built my behaviour on has really been pulled out from underneath me. There is no more back up plan, and there are no more grantees. I just read a book about a man who had to choose between his wife and his mistress to live. It gets much more complicated than that (and if you were wondering he chooses his wife) but I'm laying here and all I can think is how sometimes it would be nice to know that if you were dangling off a cliff with another person, someone would choose to save you first.

I try more than other people do to keep relationships going. Like with my friends, if we are close I try to talk to you every day, if you need me I'll be there as much as I can. But it is hard to be there for someone when they don't respond, or fall through on plans. In relationships if someone forgets something, I'll get mad but at the end of the night I'm the one apologizing for "freaking out". My mom called me a people pleaser a couple days ago. (She also said she didn't do a good job raising me, but thats beside the point). I try hard to stand my ground, but I'd much rather everyone just be fine and dandy. I know more than other people that you can fight and yell all you want but in a few weeks or months nothing will be different. Being called a people pleaser actually hurt more than I thought it would (maybe because in my mind it first registered as a slut) but maybe it was because someone I thought who was so proud of me apparently wasn't.

I need to go to bed. I'm getting up tomorrow at 5 am.
I can't wait to see my babies.

The Planes Going Down

“I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.”

My roommate tells me every day, you can't make someone care more than they do. On the surface I know it's true, if you care more chances are you are just annoying to the other person. Deep down however I have always thought I could make someone care about me more, or even make myself care about someone more. I have friends and family, like my roommate and my mom, who I know would do anything for me, and even if its been days since we talked we pick up just like we use to. We understand each other on a certain level, we care about each other deeply and equally. I have friends who I don't talk to for months, friends that I just hang out with when I'm back at home or at the bars, and I care about them, probably as much as they care about me. Then I have friends, usually ex boyfriends, that I care about sure, but they clearly care more. And they are good guys, guys I wish I could care about. My neighbor and I have had a back to forth flirt fest since 3rd grade. He is a great guy who loves me, he would do anything for me, and try as I might to make myself care more about him I just can't. And this is what I'm slowly realizing, if I can't make myself care, how could I ever make someone else. Lastly I have friends, a specific one is on my mind, who has been in my life through numerous events, but to say that that person had been there for me through them wouldn't be true. Our history is one of a kind (one I hope to make money off of with book sells... jk) but he isn't the most dependable person. I don't know how many people who are reading this know what it is like to be friends with someone for so long and not know if they actually care, but it's confusing. The opportunities to show someone you care are endless, but when it comes down to the big things, like when my dad was in the hospital, you truly know who cares. The girls on my floor, hell even my hall mates boyfriend, made me cards and my roommate drove with me back and forth from school& home. My friend mentioned early didn't even call.

Moral of the story, you can say you care but that doesn't mean you do. You have to show emotion not just say it. I'm not saying don't be friends with people who don't care about you equally, but expect less from them. Expecting someone to be there for you during a tough situation and them not just makes it harder on you. Think of it this way, no matter how much you care about someone, if they wouldn't answer their phone, would you call them as your plane was going down? 

Falling Out Of Like

I will always love you but I don't really like you anymore 

It's a strange thing, love for friends and family. I make fun of my sister or my brother but the moment someone says something mean about them I will be at their throats. As much as you say you hate one of them, you know you don't. There are family members who continuously love their spouses or parents or children even if they are in jail or abusive. It's a funny thing how love will always last, but its liking someone that fades. I love my friends, every single one I have ever had, the ones I talk to and the ones I have lost touch with. But everyday there are a few friends I realize that while I will always love them, the choices they make are making me not like them very much. And maybe that is part of growing up, making different choices and realizing how you differ from one another, but I don't understand it. I have a friend I have loved in so many ways, but after failed attempts at seeing rather or not they care about me, and choices made on both sides maybe its something that is left to be love but not like anymore. It is a friend I never thought I'd lie to but I told the biggest lie, a friend who has changed my view on the world forever, rather that is better or for worse. So if you are reading this, I love you but I don't always like you, and I'm sure the feelings mutual some time.

^I just love this song. 

This Is My Life

How to Start a Relationship in College

1. Meet and drunkenly exchange numbers

2. Get drunk the next night, sext each other to meet up

3. Awkwardly wake up together the next morning

4. Repeat steps 2, 3 for three weekends

5. Pregame together- the official first date in the #CTL

6. Morning hookup

7. Want to go to formal with me?

8. Have the drunken “I really like you” talk

9. Pretend neither of you remember in the morning

10. Repeat step 8 the next night

11. Finally go on the first real date

12. Sober hook-up

13. Realization that this is the love of your life…stay together.

14. Realization that this is college and that means “ON TO THE NEXT ONE”

15. 95% of college relationships choose option 14

(Thanks to the college life!)

If You Can't Say Anything Nice

He who does not understand your silence probably wont understand your words.

There's a lot of different things going on in my life and right now I just need to write down some stuff I'm thinking. So here are ten things I'd like to say to ten people. If you know me it shouldn't be hard to tell who is who. 

1. Stop lying to yourself. Yea it's been a good summer but you know that you need some help. So stop lying and figure out what is going on and get some help. Don't lose yourself more than you already have and don't ever underestimate your worth, you are much more precious than what everyone thinks. 
2. You're attitude has got to go. & I wish you wanted to hang out with me more, i feel so pathetic having to almost beg you to, but i know one day one of ill regret not spending time together. You have 3 months with me, you have 9 months with everyone else. Btw I don't care that he is 6 years older than you, but I would really like to meet him, and I hope you don't make the same mistake I did. 
3. It literally astounds me everything we have endured and how strong our friendship is now, and while I hope you know I will always be here for you I still have moments where it hurts to think that everything till this May was a lie. I'm over you in that way and I'm, again, so glad we are best friends. But I wont lie when i say the relationship really messed with the way I look at love and its making the relationships I'm trying to have now harder. I just still can't believe all that love was only a one way street, but I know talking about this is just like beating a dead horse, it makes no sense.  
4. I love you so dearly but I wish you wouldn't be such a bitch all the time. Your mood effects everyone else. I wish the house wasn't always full of lies, I can't take much more of the pressure, I want home to be somewhere I want to go, not some kind of living hell.  
5. I'm glad you are having a good summer but sometimes it really hurts me knowing you don't want to come back. I also am glad you are so happy with your decisions lately but sometimes I wish my opinion meant more to you. I'm excited to get back together, I just wish you were too. 
6. If you would just back off a bit and figure out what you are doing or trying to do then this would be the perfect relationship. I really really like you and am starting to realize that maybe right now isn't the time for us if you can't change yet.
7. You weren't there when one of the most important events happened. You wont ever have that image in your face. All you do is yell at him, when he really does love you and if you ever truly understand what losing him would mean then maybe you would be nicer. It saddens to think that the only way you will realize this is when you do lose him. 
8. I sometimes can't believe we've been friends as long as we have since sometimes I'm sitting across from you with nothing to say. I always use to blame your relationships on the distance that was between us, but maybe it is just getting older, maybe its just us choosing different life styles, or maybe it is because we never truly had anything in common.
9. I had a lot of fun this weekend, you made me remember that life is suppose to be fun not always serious. The timing could've been better but at the same time if couldn't have been. For the few days I knew you, you gave me some of the best advice I've received all summer. While it may not have been the best idea, it will def make one of the best memories.  
10. I'm dumbfound by how what we had early this year has flourished into a friendship that at times makes me want to hit you. I adore you kid but please stop trying to bang all my sorority sister, it really kills me, it is breaking my heart.