Late Night Ramblings

Two things I hate. People who text all the time, and people who once they start dating someone they spend all their time either talking to them, with them, or talking about them. It frustrates me when I can predict the conversation before we even have it, when I ask what they are doing for the night and I know its whatever their significant other is doing, or when they tell me the same facts over and over again (his parents love me, 10 days till I see him). SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm glad they are happy, that's great and I want to hear about them and how things are going, but I don't want it to be the only thing we talk about. And when you are hanging out with someone don't make it so obvious you would much rather be somewhere else. Texting the entire time you are with someone is not only rude, but it proves you aren't paying attention. I can't even being to count the number of times I had to stop talking because I knew someone wasn't listening. I also never realized how lonely it is when you have no one to talk to because everyone is so caught up in their relationships.

I don't like the things I'm realizing...
I think I'm sad. I think I'm lonely.

It is nights like these when I really do realize that the base that I built my behaviour on has really been pulled out from underneath me. There is no more back up plan, and there are no more grantees. I just read a book about a man who had to choose between his wife and his mistress to live. It gets much more complicated than that (and if you were wondering he chooses his wife) but I'm laying here and all I can think is how sometimes it would be nice to know that if you were dangling off a cliff with another person, someone would choose to save you first.

I try more than other people do to keep relationships going. Like with my friends, if we are close I try to talk to you every day, if you need me I'll be there as much as I can. But it is hard to be there for someone when they don't respond, or fall through on plans. In relationships if someone forgets something, I'll get mad but at the end of the night I'm the one apologizing for "freaking out". My mom called me a people pleaser a couple days ago. (She also said she didn't do a good job raising me, but thats beside the point). I try hard to stand my ground, but I'd much rather everyone just be fine and dandy. I know more than other people that you can fight and yell all you want but in a few weeks or months nothing will be different. Being called a people pleaser actually hurt more than I thought it would (maybe because in my mind it first registered as a slut) but maybe it was because someone I thought who was so proud of me apparently wasn't.

I need to go to bed. I'm getting up tomorrow at 5 am.
I can't wait to see my babies.