Guilty Hearted

Feeling guilty is not a feeling I'm new too. When I was in 7th grade I stole a piece of gum out of a pack at the piano store I took lessons at. I spent the next week feeling so bad that not only did I ruin a pack of gum, but that I didn't pay for it. So the next week I went back to my lesson, I told my piano teacher, and I paid for not just one pack of gum, but two.
Tonight I went to see The Vow and it was funnier than I thought it would be, and not only did I enjoy the movie, but I also enjoyed the company. So ask anyone, I'm a crier, I probably cry at least once a week. So obviously I cried at this movie. For those who have seen it, it isn't the part you think, for those who haven't, unless you don't mind a bit of a spoiler, you should probably stop reading.
In the movie Paige, post coma, is standing in her mother's garden talking to her about why she stayed with her father after he cheated on her. Her mother goes on to explain about a moment, when she was all alone in the house and looking around at the pictures of Paige and her sister and realized that she couldn't leave, that their was a family, and she had to stay to keep it that way. It was at this moment I felt guilt. Not the kind of guilt that I felt in 7th grade though, it was a guilt that pulled my heart straight into my stomach squeezing it tight. It was a guilt that created a lump in my throat, reminding me of the time I accidentally swallowed an ice cube whole in my grandparents basement and had to drink hot water to melt it so I could breathe. Before I knew it my eyes were hot and leaking (also known as crying apparently.) If you have never felt this kind of guilt then you are a better person than I.
So what could make me feel this way during this particular scene you ask? Paige and her mother's confrontation, in particular her mothers response, reminded me so much of my family dynamic. It has been made obvious that the reason my parents still live together is because of me and my siblings. And they live together and continue to be very unhappy. And that is where the guilt comes from, knowing that, while it was their choice, I'm a factor into someones unhappiness, and not someone who I don't particularly care about, but my own parents.

"The guilty one is not he who commits the sin, but the one who causes the darkness."

- Victor Hugo

Get On My Page

This weekend I received advice from a good friend about relationships. He told me that relationships only work and are only healthy when the two people care about each other the same amount. If one person cares too much, the other person has all the power. Both people need to be on the same page. Relationships aren't about power, and when they become that way they are bound to fail.
I've always noticed that in my relationships I give in a lot. It is my attempt at not being crazy, but sometimes I find I feel like I'm just being walked on. It is just my personality, it isn't a reflection of the kinds of relationships  have but more on the effort that I'm willing to put in to keep something I want from failing.
My point of this rant comes to this: Being on the same page is really important. But so is being honest and respecting yourself. While I don't practice this as well as I should, you should always say how you feel and with no hesitation. And while you may feel dumb after at least you were honest, and in relationships honesty is the most important thing. Give each other time to get on the same page, but if you don't ever see it going somewhere then stop wasting both of your time.

Don't get further in your book than your partner without knowing if they will ever catch up.

I Like You

High School Didn't Prepare Me For College

Think back all those years ago when you were in high school (okay okay, it has only been two, but still). We all had teachers whose reasoning for doing anything was that they were preparing us for college. But really, we all know they didn't. My first semester of college was something I wasn't prepared for at all, I also achieved the lowest GPA I ever had. So with that being said, here is my list of things high school's should do to really prepare us for college living.

1. Let me use my computer in class and don't block any social websites. 
2. Offer me drink specials and easy access to bars on a week day night, and then make me come to school at 8 am the next day. 
3. Tell me about a paper the day before it is due. 
4. Make me eat the most disgusting food every day, for all meals. 
5. Make me gain 20 pounds from this gross food. 
6. Let me blow my money on other food, so I'm poor. 
7. Now, not only do I have to go to class, make me get a job that I hate so I can afford to drink and get fatter. 
8. Give me four midterms in two days. 
9. Only four hours of sleep every night, max.
10. Put me in a building with as many people as possible and live there. 
11. Make me sick as much as possible, but make it impossible to miss class. 
12. Make test scores the only grade in the class. 

Ramblings of a Drunken Weekend

& I think when you find someone who you not only like, but like who they make you and how they make you feel, you hang on to that. The world is filled with so many bad, stupid people, and even if it is harder you have to keep the good ones close. Loving someone is one of the rarest things in the world, never settle just because it is easier. 

As Strong As The Tables We Dance On

We all have those people we take for grantee, and lately I've been thinking a lot about someone who has been there for me through some of the hardest moments in my life. We meet at the very beginning of June 2010, but their presence in my life didn't become important until the 16th. After a messy break up and some sad status quoting John Mayer's Dreaming With A Broken Heart, I received a facebook message that would forever change my college experience.
Ladies and gentleman, this is the story of how I met my beautiful roommate, Sarah.We were in the same orientation group, in the same FYS, and after a brief conversation on facebook about how much boys sucked we were roommates. We spent the rest of that summer texting, me detailing my cousins weird wedding to her and she would tell me about her drunken adventures, or drunk text me from DMB. Then the day came when we moved in and our parents left and after we both stopped crying we realized it wasn't that bad, because we knew each other. We fell into this routine with each other, of when we ate, where we went out, what we wore, when each other had class, of rearranging our room after every relationship ended, and finally sleeping every night on the futon together and being referred to as the Grandparents from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
My roommate is a beautiful person. She says what she thinks and she means what she says. She doesn't judge me and I have never had someone endanger their lives so often to come cuddle in my bed when I'm upset. She chased me to my car after one of the worst break ups of my life, she drove to and from Kansas with me when my dad was in the hospital, she made me laugh after my Aunt died, and she holds my drink while I pee at Dublin. We have the best pregamming conversations, and our room is always a mess. We don't have the same political beliefs and yet remain respectful and she is the only person willing to have pillow talk with me every night and we always are in constant communication.
I can't imagine what my college experience would be with out her and I'm so glad I won't ever find out. Today, while we worked out I realized how truly important she is to me, and how even though next year we wont be together all the time like we are now, there will never be any thing that could change our friendship.

February 15

I've always had a weird relationship with Valentine's Day, a relationship that has grown weird as my feelings towards romantic relationships have changed. This year I spent Valentine's day with my wonderful boyfriend, we went out to eat and watched movies, and just spent time together. Which is exactly the point of Valentine's Day, to spend time together.
I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day, unless you count getting caught by the police hooking up in the back of a car as "celebrating". So it was nice for once to do something, however besides the exchanging of lovely presents and societal pressure, last nights dinner and a movie was just like Friday nights building a fort and playing Mario. Or Sunday morning watching Spike TV and talking. Valentine's Day has all this pressure behind it, that if you ask me, makes the day harder, not better. Yesterday was just like any other day, me and my boyfriend enjoyed ourselves but we also had problems. Valentine's Day is suppose to be a day of love, or appreciation, but I can honestly say that every day I feel like Brandon cares for and appreciates me. The little things he does, the moments he calls me baby and gives me that look make me crazy about him every day. He makes every day better without even trying on any given day of the week and yesterday was no different. We had good moments, and we had bad ones, but at the end of the day I was still laying in bed, in his t shirt, thinking about how I couldn't be any luckier.
Which is why I'm writing this today, and not yesterday. I think love is great, and I think a day dedicated to it is pretty fantastic, but I think every day should be lived with love. So Happy February 15 readers, go out there and show someone you love them.
Let love lead.

One Year Anniversary

It has been one year since I have started blogging. and about 140 post later, apparently I still have things to say. But blogging has taught me a lot about myself, which I suppose is how self reflection should work. It has taught me that I'm irrational, that I blog best when I'm angry and I have the worst grammar. It has taught me that I have friends that care enough to read my thoughts and that my thoughts are important, if not to others, then at least to me. I've analyzed my beliefs, and shared them. Most importantly it has taught me that I really hate proof reading.
I started blogging February 10, 2011. A year ago I was at a very different point in my life, in fact my first blog was all about the difference between being in love and loving someone and both of those people are minimal factors in my life now. I've grown a lot sense then and I think my blog has helped me with that. Between that time I have experienced things I never expected to and took the people who read this with me on the ride that derailed my life for about 6 months.
With that being said I want to thank the people that encourage me, aka you guys, to use this as a format for expression that isn't harmful, and for respecting what I say no matter how incorrect the information or grammar is.
So to end this blog, and I promise I'll post another one tomorrow about Valentines day (which if you need proof about how much I have changed you should go read that one), but I'm going to post some of my favorite blogs for your enjoyment :)

Peace, love and gap.

Renewing Love Part One

Carpe Diem Baby

Old People Love

I Hope They Serve Vodka In Hell

First Star I See Tonight

Self Actualization

My Country

Dear Young Me #one

Have You Forgotten

Simple Kind Of Lovin'

Life In The Fast Lane