I think one of the hardest parts about being in a relationship, for me at least, is remembering that while I love and care for that person, I'm also worthy of their love and care as well. I think a lot of people have this problem, we believe the person we are with is so perfect we have a hard time understanding why they want to be with us, why they wouldn't want to move on to something better. We drive ourselves crazy with "what ifs" and "I wonders". It's hard to remember that this person sees something in us too, something we may not see in ourselves.

It's easily one of my favorite times of year. Depsite the shopping, the stress of finals, the snow that I have to scrap from my car and all the times I'll slip on the ice or burn my tongue on a drink that is way too hot. I love turkey, driving around looking at Christmas lights, decorating the tree, spending time with my love ones, the songs I'm forced to play on the piano and giving to those who need it, and those I was blessed with. As per tradition, many people made a list of all the things they are grateful for, of all the things they were blessed with, but if I was to make a list of everything in my life I was blessed with it'd be way too long. A house, food, clothes, an environment where I was always loved despite my faults. So I won't, instead, in this year of challenges consisting of hospitalizations, doctor visits, cancer, lost friendships and relationship challenges, I want to talk about how thankful I am for the people who got me through it.
My family is probably one of the loudest, most dysfunctional, loving group of people ever. I'm so blessed to have these people in my life. Parents I can call at midnight on my birthday, at 2 A.M to vent. Siblings who I can share everything with, Aunts, Uncles, cousins and grandparents who show me what love is suppose to consist of, how life is suppose to be moved by love. My friends and sisters who have been there for the long conversations, for every time I felt like I wasn't enough, to encourage me to try new things and to be there if I fail at those things. My boyfriend of over a year, who renewed my faith in men, who renewed my faith in trust and in love, who can sit with me and have a variety of serious conversations and then do a puzzle and have a tickle fight. A man who truly understands beings faithful and who loves me despite all of my imperfections. My high school counselor who caught me before I fell too far and was there when I wasn't sure how to stop. And of course, God, who I forget to thank all too often, for giving me all these beautiful people in my life.
To have these people in my life is not a right, it's a privilege, denied to many. So while I'll continue to curse the snow, my finals and everything in between, when it comes down to the basics I will always be thankful that I have so many people in my life that give me what truly matters. Love. 

Instead of showing love and appreciation for each other in physical ways, it has to be in words. Instead of going out with each other and going home with each other, we have to trust. It’s been using words when what you really need is a hug. It’s been texts saying I really want to kiss you, instead of just doing it, and typing good night instead of looking at each other and saying it. It’s been different. It’s been hard, it’s been a lot of crying and skype dates and phone calls. A lot of I miss you, I love you, I want you. Doing things with out each other that we really just want to be together for.

It’s making our relationship stronger. It's been missing each other, wanting each other, because everything is so much better when the other one is around. It’s being okay with only 72 days a year, because I’d rather have those 72 days with him than 365 days with someone else. It’s showing that sometimes it’s true that the best things aren’t the easiest.

Dear you,

I'm so much better at writing letters now than blog post. Maybe it is the topic or maybe because it's all about you. In the few years I've known you I have never had anyone care so deeply for me. I  never had someone be sad when I was sad, or be happy because I was happy. I was lucky to have found you when I had no one. This year, however, I'm sadden by what seems to be happening to our relationship. We don't spend nights together talking, we don't go on random drives, we don't even leave the parties together any more.
You were there for me more than anyone during some of the roughest parts of my life, and I have no doubt that you still will be, but what happened to all the silly things in between that made everything so much better. Because it was, everything with you is just so much better.
You taught me something I spent years trying to teach myself. You taught me to love myself first, and that if I loved myself first it wasn't nearly as scary to be in love with someone else. You taught me that it is okay to be the one who cares more, but to never settle for a relationship were you are constantly that person.
You held my hair back when I was sick, you cuddled me on nights I was sad, and if I had a dollar for every time I was glad the body next to me after a night of drinking was you I would at least be able to buy a happy meal at McDonalds. You were my superhero when I was here, my home away from home.
I think it is important people aren't as lucky as us, to have someone that no matter the time or the distance, how many years it has been since we've talked or even seen each other, we are still connected.
It's you bug, only you.
I love you.

Cwiggle

With everything in life there are always unseen moment, an unknown meaning and a feeling that is unexplainable. In life nothing is ever as it seems. We have all had those moments in life that came with out warning. Maybe it was a good thing like a surprise party, a surprise kiss or crush. Maybe it was bad like a failing grade on a test you thought you did really well on, a break up or a death. Life has a way of taking our breath away, of making our hearts fall into our stomach, a way of reminding us that what we are feeling at that moment is what people call being alive, good or bad.

I believe in telling the people you love that you love them at least once a day. I don't think there is a right time or a wrong time, but just do it at least one time. Before you go to bed, when you wake up or randomly in the middle of the day. Say it once. I believe it is important.

In French, you don't really say "I miss you" you say "tu me manques" which means "you are missing from me." I love that.

The Silly Things I Cry About and The People Who Deal With It

Waterproof mascara is my best friend and has been since my senior year of high school when I started crying. A lot. If you ever need a recommendation on a good waterproof mascara I'm your gal. I have many different kinds of crying, I can do the whole quiet sobbing, the loud screaming sobbing, the ugly face crying (my specialty), and my favorite the tears you just can't hold back the ones that come out for no reason or for a reason but you just can't help the salty water from rolling down your face.

Needless to say, again, I cry, often.

I will be the first to admit that I cry over stupid stuff, for example one time I cried because an avocado fell off the counter and smashed and I wasn't able to eat it. Or when my sister ate the last french toast the day before I left for school, hash tag fat kid problems any time you want to. I cried because I didn't know what was wrong, I've cried for no reason at all just simply because I could. I like to cry in the shower so then my pillow doesn't get wet but the steam makes breathing even harder. I cry when I'm stressed, and if you ask my boyfriend or friends, I cry when I'm mad or when I'm yelling. Basically I'm a mess and I shouldn't be surprised by the fact that my tears have little to no impact on anyone anymore. I get over emotional. I cry when I have to say good bye, even knowing when I'm going to see them next I still turn into a baby, I do this with friends on move out day, with my boyfriend when our couple day visits are over, and with my parents when they drop me off for school. You'd think at twenty years old I'd have some kind of handle on my life, but as my mom always told me I came into this world crying, so I'm pretty sure that's how I'm going out.

Has anyone ever found colic in adults? That would be interesting to know.

The point of this post, as many of you I'm sure are wondering, is that I see nothing wrong with crying, for anything. Cry when something is sweet, when something is sad, when you are mad or stressed or confused. Cry when things aren't going your way and cry when they are. Cry when you are having sex or when you are brushing your teeth. Hell drown yourself in your tears and get a headache from it. The important part is what you do once you stop crying. I go and hug someone, I give myself a pep talk anything from "don't be so stupid", "why are you crying", "he/she/it isn't worth it", "did you really just cry about that? I didn't know you were a 70 year old cat lady", and my personal favorite "everything will work out". The people who comfort you when you are crying truly are the closest to you because lets be honest, no one has a cute crying face, if they can see that and still want to be in the same room with you they are a keeper. While crying feels good it doesn't change anything, it wont change the situation it wont help you figure out what is wrong. Like I've written before, you and only you are in charge of your own happiness, if you aren't happy, do something about it.

We May Only Live Once But We Only Have One Life

Today I am thankful for every piece of toast I was forced to eat, crust and all. I am thankful for the feeling of pain, for not being able to sleep because my room is too hot or because my dad's snoring. I'm thankful for every moment of sadness, for every time my heart was broken and for every tear that has run down my face. I'm thankful I get to be thankful for all these things because all these experiences mean I'm alive. We may only live once, but we only have one life. Be thankful simply for that.

You Will Miss

The moment they go you already miss them, that's what makes them leaving so hard. Knowing you won't see them again, knowing they won't ever know how you feel, knowing that you are left with the memories, left in that spot where they said good bye, even if you move.
You'll miss the way he asked you to scratch his back and sit right in front of you blocking the T.V.
You'll miss the way she cried every time you had to say good bye even though it made you uncomfortable.
You'll miss how long it took him to respond to your text messages causing you to worry, but at least eventually you got a response.
You'll miss the way her alarm woke you up every morning at 6:30 AM, when you didn't have to be up till 9.
You'll miss his snoring that caused you to move down the hall to sleep and you will resent that moment for the rest of your life knowing you missed out on countless nights together.
You'll miss the way she always wanted to cuddle, despite the heat, despite her cold, and despite your headache.
You'll miss dancing in the garage, making dinner together, celebrating birthdays and grieving together.
You'll miss going on late night drives and going down to the docks. You will miss your friends laughter when you fell in the pool full clothed, and you will miss how she always bugged you to come out at night.
You'll miss all these moments, not the ones when you slept plenty, or got to watch your T.V. show and finish your homework early. You'll miss the moments that even though you were angry, upset, tired, nervous, scared, happy, sick, excited, you'll miss the moments that you were there with each other, those moments you created.
People walk in and out of our lives every day, by choice or by force. By changes in life, or causes of death. And that's the funny thing, once the people we love are gone, we would go back to any moment of time we had with them just to get them back. The moment you were fighting in the car, taking a nap in the middle of the day, or even the first moment you met. The moment they are gone you miss everything that made you love them, made you hate them. You miss everything about them and you are left with nothing of them.

"I had fooled myself into believing that every time I added another notch to my bedpost I had opened myself to the possibility of love, but that was bullsh*t. I can easily look a man in the eye and ask him, “Do you want me?” while I stroke him and press myself against his chest, but how the hell am I supposed to ask him, fully dressed and standing in line at Target, “Do you want me?" I suppose it’s not about “easy” anymore."

--- Elephant Journal

I think we forget you choose to be happy. You choose how you pick yourself up, how you move on. You choose those who surround you based off of how they make you feel, and if you have people around you who make you feel anything less than happy, chances are you don't need them. There are times when you don't choose what happens to you, when you can't control something, but you choose how you deal with it. You let yourself sulk for a few days and then get back out there.
If this summer has taught me anything it is that we aren't invincible. Not every day is a for thing. To me, it is once we realize how fragile life is that we truly start living. I don't mean becoming afraid of the world, I mean realizing that any given moment tragedy can come upon you rather you are in your car, in a movie theater or in your house. With this in mind, I started to make a bucket list. I've made them before, however, I wanted to make one more realistic, one with things on it that I truly wanted to do.

1. I want to sky dive. More than anything, I want to know what it is like to be at the mercy of a stranger, to fall through the sky and to jump out of a plane. 
2. I want to bungee jump somewhere amazing. I looked into this and this might come as a shock to some of you, but the Midwest doesn't have the best places for bungee jumping. 
3. I want to see one of the seven wonders of the world. For a teacher salary seeing all 7 is just too much. 
4. I want to noticeably make a difference in someones life. 
5. I want to experience love at first sight. I've come to believe I'm a hard person to fall in love with and then to continue to love, but this goal isn't something I need to happen to me exactly. I want to see it, or hear two people who have been together for over 30 years tell me it happened to them. 
6. I want to own a horse. 
7. I want to teach until I can't anymore. 
8. I want to go to every state. 
9. I want to visit a shoe tree. 
10. I want to get married 
11. I want to have kids. 
12. I want to have a puppy, preferably a husky or a bulldog.
13. I want to have a boat and live by a lake. 

That's all for now, but I'm sure I'll add to it later. 

What Falling In Love Gets You

This is what you get for falling in love. You get to be obsessed, slightly nauseous, like you’re on speed but better because the comedown doesn’t happen for a long time. You get to have something or someone to look forward to, something more than a new episode of your favorite TV show on your DVR. You get to have the privilege of knowing someone beyond their tweets or stupid, ridiculous Facebook. You get to know what turns them off, what turns them on, what makes them yawn with indifference. You get to know that their dad is an asshole and that their mom was once sick with cancer and that things are sometimes strained between them during the holidays but then they all get drunk and it’s okay for a little awhile. You get to know someone beyond the context of going out and getting drinks. You get to know someone at 2 o’clock in the afternoon on a Sunday when they look like shit and are totally boring to be around. Like, they’re just watching TV and they feel no pressure to entertain you. They’re just being who they are and you’re there to witness it. It is dull but it’s also, in its own way, exhilarating.
You get to share your life with someone and invite them to participate in the most arbitrary decisions of your life. “Chicken or fish tonight?” “Vodka or gin?” “Doggie style or missionary? “Baby or no baby?” You get to be inspired to be a better person, to be the type of lover who knows how to really care for someone. You should want to protect them from everything that’s bad. You don’t want to be the thing they need to be protected from. No no, they’ve already had that, they’ve already been burned. You want to be the best partner, an antidote to all the other lackluster ones they might’ve had in the past.
You get to know that if you ever died alone in your apartment, your body would be discovered shortly thereafter. It wouldn’t be left to decay and ultimately be found by your landlord. You get to know that you really affected someone’s life. You left an indelible mark. They will never be the same after you. They will cry, cry, cry in your absence. It all sounds so morbid but, I don’t know, it feels so nice knowing that you have the ability to leave someone grief stricken once you’re gone.
You get to go on vacations and screw all day in some hotel room. You get guaranteed sex, the kind of sex that you know and love and are sometimes bored by but it’s okay because you love them and a little boredom never hurt anybody, right? You get to drink too much at dinner and have someone put you to bed. It’s better than passing out alone, isn’t it? You get to see new things with a partner, revel in fresh experiences together, Instagram photos of you two smiling near a waterfall and be too in love to worry about being cool. Only single people have time to care about maintaining the perfect internet persona.
You get to be a goddamn brat. You get to push the wrong buttons and kick and scream, and trust that you won’t be penalized for it. You get to test their patience away, run them against the wall, be an overall insane crazy person, and still be forgiven.
You get to say no. You get to say yes. You get to say screw you. You get to be okay. You get to be safe. You get to be in love.

-TC

It was hard not to consider where you were at that moment, what you would have been doing. When we call someone, we’re inevitably poking our noses unexpectedly into a life that is very much in the process of being lived. They’re out at a bar, they’re having a serious conversation, they’re watching a movie. There is something going on that you are now interrupting, and though it’s not a crime to tap them on the shoulder, the moment you walk into changes everything about the conversation. I thought of how embarrassed I would be if you had picked up with sharp, shouted bar talk filling the room behind you. If you were surrounded by friends, by opportunity, by everything that I didn’t want to think about — how would I talk to you? You telling me, “I can’t hear you, can you speak up?” with your friends laughing in the background, and me doing what? Telling you I’d call you later? That couldn’t be the context of my call.
Why am I calling? I’m calling because, though the inevitable silence following your “Hello?” that necessitates a breathless explanation on my part makes my palms sweat and stomach turn, not calling is no longer an option. The percentage of my days spent thinking about what would happen if I spoke to you, if I reached out, if I said something, now greatly eclipses the time spent where you don’t cross my mind. What was once an itch at the back of my brain, an amusing what-if that was never supposed to be acknowledged, is now an all-consuming need to confirm that, regardless of what direction life has taken you in, you are still familiar of the path that led you there. You know, the one that included us, together, as something that we cannot smother with the passage of time. I guess calling you to say hello, to even confirm that you still exist with that same voice and the “hmm” I can hear when you smile through your words, is more necessary than it is uncomfortable.

What I wanted to tell you was how damaged I am. I wanted to tell you where that scar was from, why I don't walk over grates, why I change the radio every time that song plays.
What I wanted to tell you was I fall apart often and in private. I wanted to tell you my past haunts me, my present makes me happy, and my future frightens me. I wanted to tell you I'm a lot stronger than all the things that have made me weak, and that I don't do things for you, but for myself.
What I wanted to tell you was nothing is ever like what it seems. I wanted tell you that you had only seen the tip of the ice burg, and the monstrosity that is below will shake the foundation of my life.
What I wanted to tell you was that I wish you had been there. I wish you had come to me and held my hand, and that I hadn't had to sit alone and wait. I wanted to tell you that I've thought about it so many times, how different it would've been if you had been there. I wanted to tell you that I know you would've been if I had known you.
What I wanted to tell you is you deserve better. I wanted to tell you I adore the way you still make me nervous and the way you still hold my hand, I wanted to tell you I'm afraid I'll never be what you want, what you need. I wanted to tell you I love you.
What I wanted to tell you happened 9 years ago. I wanted to tell you the way it hurt me, the way it hurt my relationships with people, the way people ignored it. I wanted to tell you why I worry about my future children and why things are the way they are.
What I wanted to tell you was something I only ever told one other person. I wanted to tell you one of my biggest secrets, one that literally unraveled me and I'm still picking myself up. I wanted to tell you these things because carrying the burden alone has become a lot.
What I wanted to tell you was that it's what you aren't saying that is speaking the loudest, and what I wanted to tell you was that I can't take the screaming anymore.

Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you moved me. The way that no matter the time of day I could find you in the littlest of things. A random rhythm in nature, a melody on the radio, the way there didn't need to be sound for you to creep up in my mind.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you held me. When no one else seemed strong enough to protect me while I crashed down, when no one else seemed gentle enough to keep me from cracking. You always had the right type of nurture, the right tone to fix what was breaking inside me. You always had the perfect way of helping me shine in my brightest moments.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you let me express myself. There was never any set pattern with you. You let me be spontaneous, you let me plan every move down to the second, you let me ignore you for days and then let me use you for hours with out ever getting moody.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you were always there. Through ups and downs you never let me down. Sorrows came, and for years there were many, and at 2 am I could rely on you to make it better. Happiness happened and you were always there for me in my kitchen, my room, in the hallways.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you encouraged me. The way that you told me to try one more time, even after seventeen. I'd be covered in bruises and sweat and tears and you always had an encouraging word that would make me want to try again. You always saw more in me than I ever did in myself. I've missed that more than anything.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the way you kept me. You kept me sane, you kept me fit and you kept me happy. You taught me how to control myself, how to keep myself and once I learned I let you go, in ways I never meant to. I got so busy, keeping myself, you slipped away unnoticed. And then today I heard that song, that melody, that silence, and I thought of the ways you've changed me, the ways I've missed you and I guess I just couldn't hide it.
I've missed you because you made me better, I'm jealous of those who still have you in their lives. You helped me create bonds with people I will forever have, you helped me be a better person, and I left you, ungratefully.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed the Saturday ballet classes, the early morning rehearsals, the leotards, the shoes, the costumes, even the intoxicating hairspray. I miss the way you consumed my time, but you made me value everything more because of it. I have missed the way you taught me to move, from pointing my toes to the splits and leaps and turns. The way I was never going to be good enough for you but I was always going to be good.
Oh of all the thing's I have missed, I have missed dance more than ever before.

Love and Be Loved

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.

This weekend I embarked on a trip to Tucson, Arizona for Kappa Alpha Theta Grand Convention, a trip that, as cheesy as it sounds, has forever changed the way I will look at my sorority. The first night we were there I sat in a room filled with over 700 of my sisters.  A room full of women, leaders, scholars, and beauty inside and out, and these women were my sisters. We spent the next few days talking about improving ourselves, congratulating each other on our many accomplishments, supporting each other in our difficulties and simply celebrating 142 years of sisterhood. I felt more love from strangers than I ever had in my life, from a simple “I’m a Theta too!” to a random girl hugging me in the elevator because my shirt said, “I need hug” with a picture of Dumbo. Tucson was overflowing with Theta love. And that became the theme of the week to me, love. A goal in my life is to love and be loved, because with that all things good are possible. But it wasn’t until this week I realized I looked at my goal in the wrong way. To love and be loved didn’t have to involve marriage, or a boy at all, I can achieve my goal, I can gain all things good, simply through my sisters.

On that note, my sister’s raised my standards gentleman wise. I had the privilege of sitting next to a remarkable woman, whose almost equally remarkable husband opened a 25,000 dollar scholarship in her name to help out her sisters who he knew she loved more than anything. So my new standard developed at that table: a man who not only appreciates my love for my sisters but tries to understand it. And while I realize men aren’t the only ones that can make us feel loved, I’m thankful that I have a life full of them that do.

 On Friday we had fun night, we danced and sang, but my night took a quick turn after a phone call that informed me one of my high school friends had passed away in a car accident. Not wanting to ruin others nights I waited to go inside until I got it together, but walking through the doors into the building and being greeted by two ladies from my chapter I broke down. Because we can’t seem to lie to our sisters can we? At a time where everything seemed wrong and upside down, and no one had the right words, I didn’t feel completely alone.

So, in conclusion, I won’t ever be able to find the words that will express how the past five days have changed me. How the people I have surrounded myself with in my life have impacted me, and how happy I am that on that day in September of 2010 I accepted a bid that quickly became one of the best decisions of my college career. Theta hasn’t only taught me to raise my standards, to help others and to be the best I can be at all times, it has taught me to love and be loved. Theta has brought me all things good. 

To whom it may concern,

I thought about us today. About how we were going to sit on some wrap around porch drinking sweet tea out of mason jars and watch our kids and dog play. Yes, we are having at least one dog. I thought about how in our younger years we will take the kids to church in the morning, even though you'll complain it is too early, you will always get up with me and go through the struggle of getting them ready because you know how important this Sunday morning ritual was to me growing up. I thought about the nights we are going to spend together, after everyone is asleep, drinking whiskey or wine or anything we can get our hands on, and happily entering the haze that sometimes come with those drinks. And we will sit down stairs, or in our room, talking, laughing, becoming close again. You will ask me to dance on those nights, on any nights, in our living room, at a restaurant, in the park, because you know that I love dancing even if I'm too shy to ask. We will go on date nights together as often as possible, because you know how important it is to me that even after children we keep our relationship first. It sounds selfish, but you know it isn't. You know that I want our kids to see love, because that is what they will grow into.
You'll kiss me every time before we part, even if it is only for thirty minutes, and every night before we go to bed. There's a statistic that proves men who do this live longer, so you know it is just because I'm trying to help you live a healthier life. And even when we are older and it's just the two of us, we will still hold hands in the car, and drive down dirt roads with the windows down singing George Strait or some other country artist. People will see us out in public, arms intertwined together, like all the elder couples I see now a days, and they will want what we have. And who could blame them.
If either of our memories start to go, we will remind each other of our love every day, of our story. And I will remind you what time your favorite show is on simply by turning on the TV because I know you hate it when I act like I know everything, even if you can't remember my name sometimes. And you, like you have done for years, will drag me outside at 2 am for the meteor showers, every single one of them, because you know how much I love them, even if I forget.
Even at the age of 70 you will go to any doctor appointment with me if I'm getting a shot because you know I'll need a hand to hold. And when we go to the zoo, you always stay by the elephants with me until the end of time because even though you know I love them, you also know I have a deeper, meaningful relationship with them. And when we go on walks you'll go ahead of me to clear a path between the geese and ducks because you know that ever since that one bite me all those years ago I've been terrified of them.
And sometimes we will go down to the lake, the river, the pond. We will sit there, watching the sunset or sunrise over the water and skip rocks, which I'm horrendous at. We will take trips to the lake, where even though I grew up on the lake you will still have to teach me how to drive a boat, a task you find simple. And you will always be patient with me, and I will always be patient with you, but I promise I will always be impatient as well. Something you will love and hate.
We will make homemade gifts for each other, we will do our own housework, and you will condone all of this because you know how important it is to me to keep things to simply and classic. And sometimes you will bring home flowers, just because. And you will know that while roses are nice that I love daises and wild flowers, and while you could buy them, I like when they are picked. It isn't because we are cheap, although we probably wont ever have much money, but it's because wild flowers are pure. Like us. We will love each other, and when things aren't easy we won't throw away our relationship, but work to fix it. Just like your grandparents did. But I don't have to tell all of this to you. Because you know, or you will. Wherever you are you know.

--Inspired by Sadie Lewis--

Falling in Love Again

Your first love is a feeling that you never forget, it is hard to explain. You pour your heart, your soul, into the relationship, into the other person. You jump into the relationship with recklessness, not afraid of what you might hit on the fall, what you might hit in the end. You leap, tumble, and throw every bit of yourself into this first love because you have every bit of yourself to do just that. You do it all with out looking.

But this isn’t about first loves; it’s about the second, the third, the fourth, and the tenth. It’s about all the times you try to fall in love after that. Because falling in love the first time was different, it was effortless, one moment you were looking at the person and you realized that you loved them, and that was it, you didn’t think about how bad it hurt the last time you were in love and it ended, the first time didn’t have a last time. The first time you fell in love you hadn’t had to change the radio station to avoid listening to a song that may make you cry because of it’s emotional connection to your last love, you hadn’t had to get rid of everything that reminds you of them. By the time you start to try to fall in love again you are missing pieces; you aren’t who you were the first time. You’ve been hurt, you’ve been in love and it ended. You jumped without looking and the collusion at the bottom hurt a lot, and how many people I ask would jump without looking again after that?

That’s why falling in love again is different than the first time. You are more careful. You give yourself more slowly emotionally, and perhaps faster physically. Because now you know the beautiful, nauseating, whirlwind of love. You know that something’s can get in between love, that it isn’t invincible like we like to think.

When you fall in love again, it is different, it is hard to explain. Unlike the first time you truly fell in love, you are now doing it all over again knowing that it could hurt, you could shatter. The first time you gave yourself away in love unused, you were fully you. The second time, the third time, the fourth time, you give yourself away you’ve been through a lot, not just in love but also in life. You have baggage, the other person has baggage, and you have to learn to love despite that. You can’t love as fiercely, for fear of breaking, you love more gently.

The next time you fall in love it will be a feeling that you never forget. It is so hard to explain, you will still jump, tumble or fall but it will all be so different. 

-- Inspired by Thought Catalog--

Change

 "Only when the most innocent part of you suffers can there be change." 

We find heartbreak when we are suffering. We find pain, tears and sorrow. But we find strength when we are suffering. We find our friends, family and ourselves. What brings us pain can vary, from internal or external sources, at some point in life something attacks the weakest, most innocent, part of us and we wallow in that pity. Some of us want to fight back, to scream, some of us want to change and grow. To be the person we have always wanted to be. 

Lately I've made a series of mistakes. I could talk about how I want to take them all back, but I feel like that is a given. I spent time wallowing in how bad I felt, how upset I was, until I realized that there was a more proactive way to get through this. To come back from this. 

The quote that I used at the beginning of my blog comes from a miniseries called the Hatfield's and McCoy's that was on the history channel. I was watching it one night with my boyfriend, and the quote just stuck with me. Of course, a few days later the quote was very relevant to my life.

 "Only when the most innocent part of you suffers can there be change."

When we are suffering, we want to change, we want something to be different, we want to be happy. Right? I know I do. But staying weak, acting like you had nothing to do with your suffering, acting like there is nothing you can do to change it, is pathetic. I realize that it is time to change. It is time to be the person I want to be, have always wanted to be. We fall in a cycle, not realizing the people we could hurt or disappoint, and I don't know about you, but I don't want to be that person anymore. 

We all make mistakes, but only some of us accept the responsibility, only some of us change. You may not like yourself after what happened, but you can find yourself. You can become a better you. I know that's what I want to do. It's what I wish I had done long ago.

If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? What will make you do it?

Your Nest

Do birds go back to the nests in which they’re born? Not after building their own nests, I imagine. But they survive on a different code than we do, and we had to build planes to help us fly. They are built for it. Before planes, it was a much more difficult task to move away. Eventually, it also becomes a difficult task to want to go back home, because what waits for you there? An escape from the life you now live? This — here — is the present. Who knows where the future might be? Who knows what an individual person’s priorities are, and who’s to say whether they’re right or wrong? It is not a sign of defeat to want to revisit home, to be a child again, to be cared for by parents and friends if you’re so lucky to still have them. Nor is it a mark of insensitivity or ungratefulness if you can’t, or don’t want to go home.
Maybe you’ve rebuilt a nest already, and you’re already home.

Post Secret- May 20

Oh The Places You'll Go...

Dear Baby Cay,

"Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to great places! You're off and away!"

-Dr Seuss 

You, baby girl, are the most beautiful inspiring woman, and today, the day of your high school graduation, I am so blessed to call you my sister. You are about to start an amazing journey, and while we leave our parents to join the empty nesters club, I know they are extremely proud of you too. We have gone through so much together, even in the past years with me being 200 miles away we were there for each other, on the phone crying, laughing or texting about how stupid school is. I'm so blessed to have had the privileged to be apart of your life, a life that I know many people are just as happy to be apart of. All of this being said I have some advice for you, like all big sisters should. 

First, don't be afraid to take chances, to get in trouble, to let go. People discover themselves in these moments. 

Second. Don't ever let anyone tell you who you are and aren't. No one will ever be able to define you, to stereotype you. You will always be better than that. And don't ever tell anyone who they are. You are also better than that.

Third. Procrastinate. Get it done, but take your time doing so. Some of my favorite memories from college have come from procrastinating. 

Fourth. Make friends with people you normally wouldn't, date people you normally wouldn't. Sometimes you find what you are looking for with out even knowing that is what you needed. 

Fifth. Be that girl. Not THAT girl. But that girl. The one who leads and doesn't follow. Be a lady, but be a strong lady. Be opinionated, stand up for yourself, but be polite. There is a fine line in being THAT girl and that girl, and you are that girl.

Sixth. On that note, be a bitch. It's a Wiley women trait that you must carry on. Right, Mom? 

Seventh. You have a past you can reflex on, you have a past that you can think of fondly. Remember that it is your past. You can't write the next chapter of your life while still living in the past. No one wants to read the same chapter twice. 

Lastly, always remember you can come home, and know that you can have more than one home. The first time I referred to school as home I felt guilty. Don't. Your home will move with your heart, and your heart will always have room from multiple homes. You will always have a family that will be here for you. Remember you are blessed. 

So congratulations pretty girl! I love you, I couldn't be happier for you, and remember this is just the beginning of something so much bigger. 

Love forever and always, 

Sissy 

 

Time Capsules

Alfred Hitchcock once said, "we seem to have compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like." But it seems some of us bury time capsules for more immediate purposes, not to let people know who we were a 100 years ago, but to let ourselves know who we were four years ago. Or that is what we did in high school. We would make them freshman year and open them the week before graduation in the cafeteria. It is funny, it is sentimental, but mostly it was a right of passage for a lot of us.  It's hard to believe that we can change that much in four years, or as I reflect now, that we could change that much in two. We can see the difference in gas prices, in music, social media, and maybe even physically, but mentally we grow so steadily we don't realize it. Reflecting on the past can be tricky, we can get stuck there, wishing that was how things still were, missing those moments, but it is so important to reflect so we can continue to grow. To appreciate the past for making us who we are, but leaving the past there. I think that is one of my favorite things about these time capsules, they always have a "what I think I will be doing in the future" section. It is fun to compare that with now, but it is even better to think of all the things I may do in the future that I can't even imagine. You can't write your next chapter while living in the last, there is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror.

My Quarter Life Crisis

We hear about mid life crisis all the time, people having affairs, buying fancy cars, or other things they can't afford. However a new phrase in my vocabulary has been quarter life crisis. I turned twenty in the middle of March, but just this week it has hit me how old I've really become. Okay, some of you reading this may think I'm being dramatic, and sure I probably am, because twenty in retrospect really isn't that old, but come on guys, I'm going to be a  JUNIOR in college. A JUNIOR. Now this fact wouldn't be so terrifying if I didn't realize how quick the last two years have gone, it wouldn't be so terrifying if I didn't realize my life is no where near what I thought it would be by now.
My quarter life crisis caused me to do something that was totally irrational and probably one of the most dangerous things I have ever done. What you may ask? Run. In the dark. Alone. Around my campus. And while I avoid the gun shots, the sketch car that followed me, and didn't pass out of heat exhaustion, I wasn't able to avoid my thoughts, because lets be real I can't run THAT fast. The past few days have been hazy, I've been worried, I've been upset, I've been happy, and I've been restless. All these emotions left me laying on a sundial crying on the phone to my mom.
Let me be clear, I love my life, I love my family and friends, I have a good boyfriend and good people in my life. I'm excited about my future, where ever it takes me, but it isn't anything like I thought it'd be. Isn't that how life always works though? Some people think that is the beauty of life, the unexpected, and I guess to a point it is. When I look back on how I thought my life would be by now I'd have to say that I was being irrational, almost as irrational as deciding to run. Almost. In the past couple of years major milestones have occurred in my life, just like many of you. One of the most difficult things however has been learning to love myself. Recently in one of my classes we talked about how a lot of women base their value on how men think about them, which is exactly how I am. I like to think I'm independent, despite the fact I don't enjoy being alone, but I have always very consistently had a boy in my life. I have always, very consistently, not valued myself because someone else didn't seem to. I have always, always, let that emotionally and physically hurt me. I think that's the start to my quarter life crisis. Finding the value of myself. Although, at least this is what my mom told me, this is normal for twenty somethings, because yes we are all slowly becoming twenty somethings (cry with me).
My life isn't on a path I expected, I'm not as mature or as serious as I thought I was going to be, which I think right now I'm thankful for. And I don't know how to deal with my quarter life crisis, I'm not sure how I'm going to get rid of the nerves or this feeling of restlessness I've been dealing with, but if this is anything like AA (which I haven't been to but I've heard things), isn't admitting it the first step?
So Hi, I'm Courtney. And I'm going through a quarter life crisis.

Fine

You will be fine.

We always forget that. In the midst of finals, summer, break ups, moving, in the midst of change.We forget we will be fine. It's a typical young adult thing. Failing a class is the end of the world, your boyfriend, the one that was "the one", breaks up with you and you are destined to be alone forever, right? Well obviously this is wrong.

We think the end of the world can approach so quickly and come from such minor things. You don't marry your significant other from junior year of high school, or hell even your junior year of college. You will fail test, you will move, you will leave behind the people that meant more to you than anything else at that moment. And you know what? The world keeps spinning. I'm not trying to say these events don't matter, that they don't hurt, because they do. In two weeks we leave for summer, in two weeks I'm a junior and no longer living with my best friend. For three months we will all be scattered around the Midwest and will actually have to make an effort to see each other, but it isn't the end of the world. I'm nervous about a lot of things this summer, a few in particular that are really nerve racking, but you know what if it all falls through, it isn't the end of the world. It will hurt, just like things always do when they don't work out but  I'll be fine & so will you.

There are few things that actually will produce the end of the world such as a huge meteor for example, all the water disappears, we run out of food, things like that, but until then breathe because guess what?

You will be fine.

Happy studying!

Elephants Never Forget

Growing up I never had an attachment to anything. My sister was obsessed with this doll and my brother to some pacifier. My attachment however grew as I got older to a stuffed elephant named Peanut that I received when I was five years old. This blog may make me seem childish, but I think it is important to realize the significance of objects in your life.
I love elephants. I have four in my room, Peanut, Nutty, Cashew and Almond (cleaver I know), and on my senior trip to the zoo in St. Louis, I refused to leave until I saw the elephants despite the monsoon going on, and I was devastated when visiting the Des Moines zoo to find that they didn't have elephants at all. I sleep with Peanut every night. I find baby elephants adorable. But my obsession isn't just with their adorableness, but more of what the represent.
Elephants are a symbol of good luck in many cultures, they are some of the few animals that create "families" or herds and stick with them, and they are so emotionally invested in these families that many die from a broken heart. Well actually they die from starvation and dehydration. Typically after a member of the family dies, especially the babies, the mother, or another member, stays behind with the carcass to make sure that nothing devours it. Due to this devotion many die watching over the already deceased.
Elephants are loyal, lucky and loving. They obtain characteristics that as humans we should all strive to acquire. Plus their huge ears are just so darn precious. I know that my gang of elephants aren't real, I'm not some crazy childhood obsessed lady, but there are few things we carry through out life that can hold onto memories like that of a stuff animal or blanket. Peanut has been with me since my first sleepover to the first time I left the country; he was there on my first day on first grade, and my first day of college. I've used him to wipe my tears, I may have thrown him a few times out of anger, and he has taken stupid pictures with me and my roommate on photobooth. We all have something in our lives that isn't just what it appears to be, it holds value, it holds memories, it was something that reminds you of all the good days from passing a test to getting into college, and all the bad days of fights, break ups or failures. In a world where things change quickly, and nothing in life is permenant,  isn't it nice to have one thing that was there through it all?

"I said what I meant and I meant what I said, an elephants faithful one-hundred percent."

--Horton, Dr. Seuss

My Wish For You

I wish someone would tell you that the most important people in your life at this moment are not tied to you. No one ever will be. You can go through times of grief, happiness and anger together and then turn around one day and they will be gone. I wish someone would tell you that it isn't always something you did or didn't do. That it is completely normal, and okay, that you put everything you had into your friendship or relationship, intimate or otherwise, and one day it wasn't enough.

 I wish someone would tell you that it is okay to feel like you deserve more. Not just in romantic relationships, although that is okay too, but with jobs, with life. I wish someone would look you in the eye and tell you that when you lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling, thinking the same question over and over again "is this all there is?" that there is so much more. I wish someone would tell you that just because you are afraid to look for more doesn't mean that there isn't more. I wish someone would tell you that you are worth it.

I wish someone would tell you that you are beautiful, every moment of the day. From when you wake up in the morning to when you lay down in bed at night. When you are sick and pale, when you are crying and make up is streaming down your face. I wish people understood beauty in it's truest form. I wish someone would tell you that the make up you cake on in the mornings isn't necessary, neither is straightening your hair. I wish someone would teach you that beauty is skin deep, but most importantly I wish someone would show you they believe that.

I wish someone would tell you that you will never be prepared and that you should embrace that. Being prepared is overrated and by being prepared you miss out on so much of life, and I really wish someone would tell you that.  I wish someone would tell you that no relationship, no heartbreak, no death, no moment of sadness will ever be the same so you can't prepare. But I wish someone would also tell you that you are resilient and that while someone can bruise your heart, no one can bruise your spirit.

I wish someone would tell you that there is a difference between sex and love and that it is okay to separate them sometimes. I wish someone would tell you that your value is so much more than what a man or woman or society can place on you. At the same time I wish someone would tell you that you should never measure someone else's value.

I wish someone would tell you that there will be hard days. That memories can attach to buildings, to time, to weather, to a song. That these moments can come seeping in through windows, radios, and sneek into eye sight. I wish someone would tell you that there will be break downs in fabric stores, in grocery stores and at school. That sometimes you will have to hide your tears, or hide yourself. I wish someone would tell you that there is nothing weak or shameful in these moments.

I wish someone would tell you there are different kinds of love, there are different ways of falling in love, and love happens at a different rate every time. Love adapts as you do. Your love at 18 is different from your love at 20, and your love for some one will always grown, however sometimes disguised as hate. I wish someone, I wish that more than just one someone, would tell you that they love you.

I wish someone would tell you to live a simple life. To indulge in luxury, but at the same time to sew and cook. To clean your own windows, mow your own grass and paint your own living room. To pack lunches instead of buy lunchables and write notes in them every morning. I wish someone would tell you that a well timed hug or kiss will always heal you.

I wish someone would tell you these things because I wish someone had told me. You are beautiful, you are unique, you are human, but most importantly you are you.

& I wish someone had told me that all of that was okay, that all of that was always enough.

Things I Like To Do When I'm Mad

So we all get like this were we are so mad thinking clearly and rationally doesn't seem to be working. So instead of continuing to envision how'd I'd like to beat the crap out of certain people, I try to do other things, more healthy things. So that being said I bring to you my list of things I do when I'm mad.

1. Craft- like any good sorority woman should do. 
2. Cook- thank God I don't eat when I'm angry. 
3. Work out 
4. Blog :) 
5. Try something new- like for example I'm working on getting my boaters licenses right now. 
6. Clean
7. Throw out old stuff- the last time I was truly upset and at home I disposed of all my high school memorabilia in a box and put it in the attic, while I wish I hadn't done so now, at the time I felt great! 
8. Nap- if I'm asleep I'm not thinking about how angry I am. 
9. Shop- Thank God I have a job that allows me to do this. 
10. Drive around aimlessly and take pictures. 

One of my favorite songs to listen to when I'm mad or upset 

High School

I spent graduation night like many high schoolers do, drunk and with my best friends. And that was just the start to the best summer I've ever had, a summer that separated some of the best years of my life. I've written about high school before but I never really realized how amazing my high school experience was. No I didn't drink often, I didn't go to keggers or get in trouble often. But I went out, I did a lot of things I regretted and then didn't so much, I snuck out, and had fun with my friends. I never thought I was missing out on anything, and I know I wasn't, but when I entered college and all my new friends talked about all the times they drank with their friends, part of me felt like I missed out on something in high school.

But that wasn't fair to myself.

I was involved, I had a huge group of friends, I had opportunities to travel, and I had my priorities. To me drinking and partying was for college, not high school. We had fire pits, went to carnivals and movies, went on trips and basically did what others did drunk, we were just sober. I loved high school, I loved every opportunity I got whether it was to go somewhere, to perform in front of over a thousand people, indulge in football and basketball and tailgating or just sit outside and watch a meteor shower on the roof during a bonfire. I think I've always reduced my love for high school as a way to make it easier to move on but there was no reason I needed too, I can still have those friends and do those things but only a few months out of the year.

I always knew there was a reason I was going to be a high school teacher.

Garden State

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the home you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? And all of a sudden the idea of 'home' is gone and you feel like you can never get it back. It's like you're homesick for a place that doesn't even exist." -Large

Rain Storms

One of my favorite memories was from when I was in second grade. Our brick house had this covered front porch and when it would rain I would sit outside and watch the lightening and play with my dolls.
One of my favorite smells is rain. You know how you can smell right before it rains? & of course, how it smells right after?
One of my favorite sounds is rain. When it rains I like to lay in bed with my head next to the open window and listen to it hit the roof.
To me there is nothing like rainstorms. One of my goals in life is to have a house with a wrap around porch for the pure reason of being able to watch rainstorms.
Lately it has been raining a lot here in good ole' Kansas. Today I went mudding, played in the rain with 5 year olds, and right now I'm sitting in my garage watching it. A lot of people associate sadness with rain, I know I did when I was little. My parents always use to tell me that rain was God crying because we did something bad (great for the self-esteem of a 4 year old by the way.) The thunder was God bowling and lightening was his celebration for a strike.
Some of my best memories happen when it rains. Some of the best things happen when it rains. For one it is really good for crops (the little girl I babysit tells me this all the time). You can have kisses in the rain, playing in the rain (if you just said you were too old for that we can't be friends), reading while it is raining, or even napping while it is raining.
So to sum it all up, I love rain and while I would love some sunshine in the forecast this week, a few days of rainstorms really ain't that bad because in order to have a rainbow you have to have a little bit of rain, and who doesn't love a motherfucking rainbow!

It's raining in this picture that was taken at the lake, it is just kind of hard to tell.

Time Limits

We are use to time limits in a world that is run by a clock. Seventy-five minutes to take a test, seven minutes to get to your class, a week to do a project, a month to plan that party. We have dates and places to be at certain points. We even have time limits in life. When you should get married, when you should have a baby, how long you should wait before you meet the parents, when you apply to school and graduate and etc.
Tonight one of my conversations revolved around the right time to say I love you, and while we both agree it should be when you feel it, we were puzzled by what should happen if they don't say it back for a while. Now I've never told someone I loved them first, so I'm not sure what it is like not to hear it back, but I'm sure it is awful and this is one of the biggest reasons why. My worry is that if someone says it first and the other doesn't say it back how long do you hold on to the relationship? Obviously you wouldn't just leave right then, but do you wait 3 months, half a year, forever? When do you realize that he isn't ever going to love you, that this relationship isn't going anywhere and you need to pick up your dignity and move on?
By saying it first I worry it is like putting a time limit on your relationship.
Saying "I love you" is like setting an alarm in your relationship.

Finding Someone

I used to think that finding someone you clicked with, someone who made your stomach feel sick, your hands to start to shake and your whole body feel off balance... was always going to mean it was something special. But these are things that just happen-- they're not a result of something he's doing for you. He isn't making these things happen, they just are. What I've come to realize is.. once the butterflies fly away.. and the sickness subsides, what matters is how he makes you feel on purpose --the feelings he can cause in you that are every bit of his control. His calling to say 'hi', quoting a movie line to make you laugh or learning to accept that you like the one team in baseball he can't stand. These are the feelings that do not just fade away in time, because he won't let them-- if its really something, he'll be able to make you feel those things no matter the circumstance.
-Hollie Seals

Guilty Hearted

Feeling guilty is not a feeling I'm new too. When I was in 7th grade I stole a piece of gum out of a pack at the piano store I took lessons at. I spent the next week feeling so bad that not only did I ruin a pack of gum, but that I didn't pay for it. So the next week I went back to my lesson, I told my piano teacher, and I paid for not just one pack of gum, but two.
Tonight I went to see The Vow and it was funnier than I thought it would be, and not only did I enjoy the movie, but I also enjoyed the company. So ask anyone, I'm a crier, I probably cry at least once a week. So obviously I cried at this movie. For those who have seen it, it isn't the part you think, for those who haven't, unless you don't mind a bit of a spoiler, you should probably stop reading.
In the movie Paige, post coma, is standing in her mother's garden talking to her about why she stayed with her father after he cheated on her. Her mother goes on to explain about a moment, when she was all alone in the house and looking around at the pictures of Paige and her sister and realized that she couldn't leave, that their was a family, and she had to stay to keep it that way. It was at this moment I felt guilt. Not the kind of guilt that I felt in 7th grade though, it was a guilt that pulled my heart straight into my stomach squeezing it tight. It was a guilt that created a lump in my throat, reminding me of the time I accidentally swallowed an ice cube whole in my grandparents basement and had to drink hot water to melt it so I could breathe. Before I knew it my eyes were hot and leaking (also known as crying apparently.) If you have never felt this kind of guilt then you are a better person than I.
So what could make me feel this way during this particular scene you ask? Paige and her mother's confrontation, in particular her mothers response, reminded me so much of my family dynamic. It has been made obvious that the reason my parents still live together is because of me and my siblings. And they live together and continue to be very unhappy. And that is where the guilt comes from, knowing that, while it was their choice, I'm a factor into someones unhappiness, and not someone who I don't particularly care about, but my own parents.

"The guilty one is not he who commits the sin, but the one who causes the darkness."

- Victor Hugo

Get On My Page

This weekend I received advice from a good friend about relationships. He told me that relationships only work and are only healthy when the two people care about each other the same amount. If one person cares too much, the other person has all the power. Both people need to be on the same page. Relationships aren't about power, and when they become that way they are bound to fail.
I've always noticed that in my relationships I give in a lot. It is my attempt at not being crazy, but sometimes I find I feel like I'm just being walked on. It is just my personality, it isn't a reflection of the kinds of relationships  have but more on the effort that I'm willing to put in to keep something I want from failing.
My point of this rant comes to this: Being on the same page is really important. But so is being honest and respecting yourself. While I don't practice this as well as I should, you should always say how you feel and with no hesitation. And while you may feel dumb after at least you were honest, and in relationships honesty is the most important thing. Give each other time to get on the same page, but if you don't ever see it going somewhere then stop wasting both of your time.

Don't get further in your book than your partner without knowing if they will ever catch up.

I Like You

High School Didn't Prepare Me For College

Think back all those years ago when you were in high school (okay okay, it has only been two, but still). We all had teachers whose reasoning for doing anything was that they were preparing us for college. But really, we all know they didn't. My first semester of college was something I wasn't prepared for at all, I also achieved the lowest GPA I ever had. So with that being said, here is my list of things high school's should do to really prepare us for college living.

1. Let me use my computer in class and don't block any social websites. 
2. Offer me drink specials and easy access to bars on a week day night, and then make me come to school at 8 am the next day. 
3. Tell me about a paper the day before it is due. 
4. Make me eat the most disgusting food every day, for all meals. 
5. Make me gain 20 pounds from this gross food. 
6. Let me blow my money on other food, so I'm poor. 
7. Now, not only do I have to go to class, make me get a job that I hate so I can afford to drink and get fatter. 
8. Give me four midterms in two days. 
9. Only four hours of sleep every night, max.
10. Put me in a building with as many people as possible and live there. 
11. Make me sick as much as possible, but make it impossible to miss class. 
12. Make test scores the only grade in the class. 

Ramblings of a Drunken Weekend

& I think when you find someone who you not only like, but like who they make you and how they make you feel, you hang on to that. The world is filled with so many bad, stupid people, and even if it is harder you have to keep the good ones close. Loving someone is one of the rarest things in the world, never settle just because it is easier. 

As Strong As The Tables We Dance On

We all have those people we take for grantee, and lately I've been thinking a lot about someone who has been there for me through some of the hardest moments in my life. We meet at the very beginning of June 2010, but their presence in my life didn't become important until the 16th. After a messy break up and some sad status quoting John Mayer's Dreaming With A Broken Heart, I received a facebook message that would forever change my college experience.
Ladies and gentleman, this is the story of how I met my beautiful roommate, Sarah.We were in the same orientation group, in the same FYS, and after a brief conversation on facebook about how much boys sucked we were roommates. We spent the rest of that summer texting, me detailing my cousins weird wedding to her and she would tell me about her drunken adventures, or drunk text me from DMB. Then the day came when we moved in and our parents left and after we both stopped crying we realized it wasn't that bad, because we knew each other. We fell into this routine with each other, of when we ate, where we went out, what we wore, when each other had class, of rearranging our room after every relationship ended, and finally sleeping every night on the futon together and being referred to as the Grandparents from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
My roommate is a beautiful person. She says what she thinks and she means what she says. She doesn't judge me and I have never had someone endanger their lives so often to come cuddle in my bed when I'm upset. She chased me to my car after one of the worst break ups of my life, she drove to and from Kansas with me when my dad was in the hospital, she made me laugh after my Aunt died, and she holds my drink while I pee at Dublin. We have the best pregamming conversations, and our room is always a mess. We don't have the same political beliefs and yet remain respectful and she is the only person willing to have pillow talk with me every night and we always are in constant communication.
I can't imagine what my college experience would be with out her and I'm so glad I won't ever find out. Today, while we worked out I realized how truly important she is to me, and how even though next year we wont be together all the time like we are now, there will never be any thing that could change our friendship.

February 15

I've always had a weird relationship with Valentine's Day, a relationship that has grown weird as my feelings towards romantic relationships have changed. This year I spent Valentine's day with my wonderful boyfriend, we went out to eat and watched movies, and just spent time together. Which is exactly the point of Valentine's Day, to spend time together.
I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day, unless you count getting caught by the police hooking up in the back of a car as "celebrating". So it was nice for once to do something, however besides the exchanging of lovely presents and societal pressure, last nights dinner and a movie was just like Friday nights building a fort and playing Mario. Or Sunday morning watching Spike TV and talking. Valentine's Day has all this pressure behind it, that if you ask me, makes the day harder, not better. Yesterday was just like any other day, me and my boyfriend enjoyed ourselves but we also had problems. Valentine's Day is suppose to be a day of love, or appreciation, but I can honestly say that every day I feel like Brandon cares for and appreciates me. The little things he does, the moments he calls me baby and gives me that look make me crazy about him every day. He makes every day better without even trying on any given day of the week and yesterday was no different. We had good moments, and we had bad ones, but at the end of the day I was still laying in bed, in his t shirt, thinking about how I couldn't be any luckier.
Which is why I'm writing this today, and not yesterday. I think love is great, and I think a day dedicated to it is pretty fantastic, but I think every day should be lived with love. So Happy February 15 readers, go out there and show someone you love them.
Let love lead.

One Year Anniversary

It has been one year since I have started blogging. and about 140 post later, apparently I still have things to say. But blogging has taught me a lot about myself, which I suppose is how self reflection should work. It has taught me that I'm irrational, that I blog best when I'm angry and I have the worst grammar. It has taught me that I have friends that care enough to read my thoughts and that my thoughts are important, if not to others, then at least to me. I've analyzed my beliefs, and shared them. Most importantly it has taught me that I really hate proof reading.
I started blogging February 10, 2011. A year ago I was at a very different point in my life, in fact my first blog was all about the difference between being in love and loving someone and both of those people are minimal factors in my life now. I've grown a lot sense then and I think my blog has helped me with that. Between that time I have experienced things I never expected to and took the people who read this with me on the ride that derailed my life for about 6 months.
With that being said I want to thank the people that encourage me, aka you guys, to use this as a format for expression that isn't harmful, and for respecting what I say no matter how incorrect the information or grammar is.
So to end this blog, and I promise I'll post another one tomorrow about Valentines day (which if you need proof about how much I have changed you should go read that one), but I'm going to post some of my favorite blogs for your enjoyment :)

Peace, love and gap.

Renewing Love Part One

Carpe Diem Baby

Old People Love

I Hope They Serve Vodka In Hell

First Star I See Tonight

Self Actualization

My Country

Dear Young Me #one

Have You Forgotten

Simple Kind Of Lovin'

Life In The Fast Lane

The Art of I Love You

My friend Krystin works for Galmour magazine and on occasions she sends me links to quizzes asking me to have my friends fill them out. This week I got a link for men and what they think about the term "I love you". The questions ranged from how long do you wait to say "I love you" to if it is more important than watching the Kardashians together, yes that was an actual question. I proceeded to ask my boyfriend of almost three months all of the questions and after I laid here thinking about how I would answer them. So for your enjoyment here are my answers.

1. More often than not, in your past relationships who said I love you first?
   The boy.
2. Who do you think should say it first?
   I don't think it should matter, and yet I say that and have bitten my tongue in many cases when I was ready and I knew they weren't. So I guess for me it isn't that I think guys should say it first, but that I could never say it first. Fear of rejection much?
3. If you tell someone you love them and they don't feel the same way, what's the least painful thing to hear back?
   Almost anything but thank you. Something like I really care about you but I'm not ready yet. It almost wouldn't matter though, I'd still be hurt.
4. Have you ever said "I love you" accidentally?
   Ha, oh yes.
5. If so, why?
   Drunk or caught up in a moment.
6. Should the accidental "I love you" count?
   No, because I didn't mean it.
7. Have you ever been dumped because you wouldn't say "I love you"?
   Yes, a few times. 
8. Have you ever dumped someone for that reason?
   Once.
9. You're starting to feel it. How long do you wait to say it?
   Until he says it.
10. How long should your partner wait to say it?
    Until we are exclusive after that when ever they feel it. It shouldn't be something that is pressured.
11. What's a sign that you're feeling it even if you're not saying it?
    I smile a lot, and say that I "love" their laugh/smile/anything.
12. Is it appropriate to say I love you for the first time in person? on the phone? texting?
    Only in person. In 7th grade this boy told me he loved me through AIM and it was so awkward that I just avoided him until I graduated. We now go to college together.
13. What is the sweetest thing they can be doing when they say it to you?
    Mean it. We could be eating at Mcdonalds, laying in bed, or walking to class, it doesn't matter as long as they mean it.
14. How many times have you said "I love you" and the person didn't say it back?
    Once.
15. How often is too often for I love you to be said?
    Never too often. I think it should be said as much as possible.
16. Would you do this only with the person you were in love with: snuggle after sex, kiss during intercourse, go down on them, make sure they get theirs?
    To me none of those are strictly just for love, so no it isn't just for the person I love. However I believe when you are in love each of those things are very different.
    
    
    Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
    -- 1 Peter 4:8
    
    
    
    

#ThingsIHate (afraid)

Love doesn't last. It isn't natural for two creatures to be together for the rest of their lives, why do you think divorce rates are at 50/50 right now? Humans are one of the only species that attempt to mate for life, with many failures.  Love has been made to be material. No one wants a marriage anymore, they just want a wedding. We aren't made to love each other for that long.
Did I get your attention? Seems a bit harsh?
I use to truly believe all of that though. I use to really be afraid of love. Notice I use the word afraid, not hate. Hating love is cowardly, and I'll admit I use to say I did, but the word hate has become interchangeable with afraid.  We don't hate snakes, we are afraid of them, I don't hate love, I'm afraid of it. There is a quote that says we aren't afraid of heights, we are afraid of falling and that we aren't afraid of the dark but of what is in it. I'm afraid of a lot of things, maybe more than the average person, but my fear of love is directly connected to my fear of divorce.
I've written a lot about my parents relationship, but it is said that children of divorced parents are more likely to get a divorce. Parents need to understand that we grow into what we see, if they love one another, we learn to do the same. The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother. So when I use to express all these negative things about love, was I protecting my true fear of not being love? That "forever" doesn't really last "till death do you part". By saying I hate love, as oppose to being afraid of it, I don't have to say that I'm afraid of failing in a relationship, or of not being worthy of being loved.
But I don't hate love.
Not one bit.
Not at all.

Stand By Me

 "Regardless of where we go, what we become, or what sky we look upon, we know we will always stand together."

So I've been thinking a lot about one of my favorite parts of high school, dance team. I spent four years with a group of girls and we worked our asses off to make the program something we could all be proud of. I have danced my whole life and quit upon entering college, it pushed me so much as an individual and taught me life skills in working with people that are simply irreplaceable. We each left for college and have grown apart but I wouldn't trade all those weekends, team nights, practices and 9 hour work days for anything.

This little gem is from my senior year winter guard show. Enjoy!