Dear 2011

This time last year my life was totally different. I was getting ready to bring in the new year with my family and my friend Sean that was off to his Army base after the new year. And the year brought more struggles and tears. So in celebration of the new year I want to write myself a letter. A letter from me now to me then.

Dear 2011 Courtney,
So you are moving into the year 2011, isn't that crazy? Remember that, always remember how fast a year goes by, especially the closer you get to the end of college. You start this year off hard and it doesn't get easier, you lose a lot in 2011 and gain a little but it isn't the quantity but the quality of each thing that balances it out.
You become more reserved for a while. You turtle inside yourself and try to fulfill the role of being an army girlfriend, in fact you try to fulfill the role of just being a girlfriend. But the guys weren't right for you, you needed more, you deserved more. There will be times you feel demanding, but you aren't. For instance you'll almost lose someone you love in February, and your "boyfriend" wont even answer the phone when you call. But honey, you can't blame him, he wasn't made to love you that way, and you'll find that out in May. Hold him at a distance, he won't go anywhere and understands you need time. It is a weird feeling though and it wont go away, knowing how long someone you love can lie to you.
Also, hug Dad as often as possible. He loves you more than you will ever know. And don't always assume he is the bad guy. You are going to learn a lot about your parents relationship this year and it isn't going to be flattering for one of them. Remember, despite their decisions, they love you with everything they got. You have always been blessed with that.
Now let me be the first to tell you, you are beautiful. I know it's almost like hearing it from mom and dad, but those boys in your life don't quite figure it out. Except for one, you'll meet him and at an inconvenient time but being with him is worth every inconvenience. He is also worth all those late nights. Always remember you can sleep when you are dead. No one looks back at college and wishes they had slept more.
Never settle for someone who doesn't see how beautiful you are in every unique way, because lets face it, we can be kind of weird. But that isn't and never will be a bad thing. Keep calling it like you see it, and keep your head up. Don't ever apologize for who you are and don't ever expect someone else to appreciate it, if they don't move on. You do you girl. You are only 18 and have your whole life in front of you. You don't need a guy and you don't need constant reassurance. You will lose a lot, like I have said, but it changes you and in such incredible ways. For awhile you think you need to be with in yourself and do that for as long as you want, but there is nothing wrong with having been hurt and betrayed and still being open and loving. It makes you a stronger person. So fall in love with everything, give everything your all. Give your heart out to people who don't deserve it, give your heart to people who do. Let someone abuse it and then you can stitch it back up. These people don't make or break you, they teach you about life. Because life is hard. However, the only thing you have to be afraid of in life is looking back and wishing you had tried harder.
You can't live with no regrets, but you can sure as hell try to.

Peace love and gap,
2012 Courtney

Cutting the BS

I always tell myself that I blog for me. That is why I don't re read before I post, why I don't care if I make mistakes or even really if I make any sense at all. This is also called laziness and I happen to be a pro at it. But I think I have lost a sense of why I write this blog. I'm not writing for me. Sure I write about what I want and I say to an extent what I want to say, but I also watch what I'm saying and how I'm saying it and skipping over topics that are on my mind because I don't want to hurt or offend someone. I'm not writing for me, I'm writing my thoughts in a PG rated way. Now, I have never wrote anything that I didn't really believe or thought but I haven't been writing to the extent I could. So this is where it stops. I care about what everyone in my life thinks and I don't ever want to hurt anyone or say something to offend someone but this is my blog, my thoughts, my world and if you don't like it then you can make the decision to not view it anymore.

That is all.

One of the Only

It seems that a lot of my blog post have been inspired by movies, although it is that time of the year to just lay around so it makes sense. A scene from Country Strong is the inspiration for this post however. Again nothing spoiler alert worthy but if you haven't seen the movie you really ought to. There is a scene were Beau goes and picks up Kelly from the bar and she is laying in the back seat with Chiles and she tells Chiles "Be nice to Beau, okay? He thinks he's so tough but I ain't never had a man be so gentle with me. He's one of the good ones. He's one of the only good ones." And that is the phrase that gets me every time.
I think we can all say that we have had our share of failed relationships, I know that in the past I have dated some real winners (please note the sarcasm). But how do we know when we have one of the "good ones"? I think it is when, like she said, someone who seems so tough but is so gentle with you. Someone who is so amazing you worry someone is going to steal him away even though you trust him so much you know he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you. Someone who doesn't just love you in spite of your flaws but loves your flaws too.
And as I watch this movie I got to thinking about my own relationship and how he makes me feel. When I first met Brandon, or the first time I consciously remember meeting him, we were sitting outside and he was trying to find a ball they cut in half earlier, after failing to do that he pulled a knife out of his pocket and cut one in half. He had on cowboy boots and a leather jacket and I can remember thinking "why the fuck does he carry a knife?" He had this thing about him, that all of my ex boyfriends had lacked, he was protective. My friends always say that he looks tough, and he does, maybe its the beard of jacket but I love it. I love that he looks protective, in fact there isn't anything that I don't like about Brandon. But he had something else all of my other ex boyfriends had lacked, he was sensitive too. He laid with me in the dark when I had a migraine, he gives me a jacket when I'm cold, and he listens when I talk. He accepts my flaws and I can always expect him to be honest with me, and vice versa. He's one of the good ones. He's one of the only good ones.

The Wind That Fills Your Sails

"Love is too strong a word to say it too early, but it has too beautiful a meaning to say it too late."

Recently I ventured to the movie theaters, something I despise doing unless it's four dollar movie nights on Tuesdays or I'm dying to see the movie, with my friend Matt (don't worry it was free). But we saw the movie the Descendants. I won't give away any detail so no need for a spoiler alert, however I want to talk about the opening scene. Elizabeth, the wife to George Clooney, is in the hospital in a coma after a boating accident. The movie begins with him sitting in the hospital by her bed talking to her. He says he knows he was gone a lot, and that their marriage wasn't the best, and that if she wakes up he will stop traveling, he will be the best husband, and they can go to counseling and finally, finally figure out their marriage.

When my dad was in the hospital I saw this happening too. Not while I looked through his medication to take it the hospital, not while I broke at least 12 traffic laws to get to the hospital, but when I sat in the room with my mom outside calling our family, while the doctors where frantically moving in and out of the room and my dad's eyes kept rolling back in his head. It was that moment, while I just sat there crying that I kept thinking, if he just wakes up, if he is just okay I swear I'll scratch his back more, answer my phone when he calls, not get mad about little things, spend more time at home, and maybe get after him a bit about how much beer he drinks. Or when my mom would sit in there and come out after a few minutes crying. She always went in alone so I couldn't ever tell you what she said but I know that February changed their relationship for a bit. They said "I love you", they shared a bed, and a few times they went to a movie or dinner together. Things changed. 

When something bad happens, when there is truly nothing we can do to change the outcome but we have to let professionals take over or just accept the fate, that is when we are ready to change, when we are ready to tell someone we love them and care about them and really would change to make things work. We wait till the last minute to offer all these things. Is it because we know we might not have to do them like when we make deals with God, "God, if I'm not pregnant I swear I'll wait to have sex again till marriage?" we know that if we aren't pregnant we sure as hell aren't holding up the end of that deal. Or is it the timeless tale of realizing the value of the person in our lives while we are losing them? 

After my dad's hospitalization I started to do things different. I answer when he calls, not always but mostly, and I try to talk to him every day, I don't always scratch his back and I get after him on his alcohol intake, but what changed the most was my own realization of the people who are important to me. To me each hug is different, not just from my dad but from anyone my mom, sister, brother, friends, or boyfriend. I'm quick to love someone and care for them, and I love everyone deeper than I use to. I want the people in my life to know they matter to me. And maybe that is how we should all be. It shouldn't take a near death experience for us to change how we love.

Butterflies

Earlier today I was talking to Brandon about how he still makes me nervous. Some may argue that this is a bad thing, that it shows I'm not comfortable around him, but I think it's quite the opposite. I rattled off one of the longest explanations to him, but I'll try to shorten it up for you guys. I see him and still get butterflies in my stomach, are you gagging yet? because it gets better. I always want to impress him, to not look like hell when I see him, and to always be fun, and I get nervous when I think he is bored. I always want to be the girl that is on his mind and the girl he tells his friends about and in relationships I think its healthy to be nervous. It gives the relationship a spark, it keeps you looking for new things to do, it keeps things exciting, by being nervous it is a reminder that nothing is a sure thing, the moment you stop being nervous you begin to look for something else.
Which is where my belief about jealousy comes from. I'm a jealous person, I get self conscious when Brandon says someone is hot, or when he spends more time with another girl, and I might be over jealous in many ways but I have always been in relationship where the guy tells me its wrong to be jealous. Now, lets not get jealousy confused with trust. I trust Brandon and know he wouldn't do anything, but it plays into always wanting to impress him and always wanting to be the girl on his mind. A little jealousy is good in a relationship, it is always nice to know someone is worried about losing you, even if there is no chance in hell they will.
I hope that there isn't a day in any relationship I have that I don't get jealous and that I don't get nervous. I hope the spark doesn't die and I hope the person I'm with wants the same thing.

Steal Your Attention

"And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us"

-- Making Memories of Us: Keith Urban

For most college couples winter break can really make or break a relationship, especially if you are just starting out. Trust, like most know, is something that plays a huge part in relationships. It can actually make or break one. It can be the only reason we believe "No, baby nothing happened" and the only reasons we refuse to. It causes fights but can make us believe anything. Trusting your partner when they have no reason to tell you something isn't easy.
Entering winter break was really nerve racking for me, I made sure to say a quick good bye to my boyfriend so I didn't get sad and ruin the last few moments we had together and jumped in my car and watched him walk to his in my rear view mirror. I've always had problems trusting boys but he has always been different, so why shouldn't I trust him? And that mentality, dear readers, is exactly how this break has been working.
With trust you don't only have to trust the person not to do the wrong thing, but  trust them to tell you when they mess up. It is so easy, especially over winter break, for couples to hide things from one another. Who is going to tell? How will the other find out? These questions shouldn't ever play a factor into being honest with each other. Winter break is so hard because we are away from those we have grown so fond of at school and yet we are excited to be back with our old friends. Trust is something that is so fragile it takes years to build and moments to destroy. So my question for you, when your boyfriend or girlfriend says "No, baby nothing happened" do you believe them?

Looking In The Rearview Mirror

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forward."

-- Soren Kierkegaard

In life it is important to look back on the events that have brought us to where we are in order to understand how we got there. In moments of tragedy and heartbreak we don't see how it might play out in the grand scheme of life, only how it affects us at that moment. As I move into my second semester of sophomore year I continuously feel older, probably because I am. But I'd like to take a moment and just think about the events that have happened since the begin of the year. 

I started wanting everything I'm glad I don't have now, weird how that works out. I started out with a job I hated, too many credit hours, and a 40 hour practicum for a major I wasn't even sure I wanted to do anymore. I was living in a dorm I hated with my best friends, and dreading a week when the only people I'd be with weren't that close to me. After two days of "polish week" I fell in love with the girls I was surrounded with and began spending all my time with them, and sometimes I wish we could still be at the house every night until midnight. My job got better and I fell in love with the kids, which made Mason going through chemotherapy a few weeks ago so much harder. I dropped a class and escaped with a 3.5, and fell in love with my practicum. I finally stopped being so afraid and applied for a position in my sorority and now am the proud social chair. So yes all the bad things turned into things I fell in love with. But like always, some of my expectations fell short. I worked so much I felt like I was missing out on a lot of things with my friends, I had to balance my sorority sisters with my dorm hall friends, and when it came to guys I was all over the board, in the same fraternity. I'd be lost without my family and roommate. Sarah endured me being pissed, stressed, crying and so many other things this semester without missing a beat, whether it was laying in bed with me while I cried or awkward pillow talk. But I've gained so many friends in my sorority who have shared equally awkward stories and supported me when family issues occurred. And then my boyfriend who, bless his soul, tries to look past all my flaws and still like me for some unknown reason. 

I'd be lying if I said this last semester went just as I planned, in fact everything I planned changed dramatically before school even started. There were moments I didn't think I'd bounce back from and things I didn't expect to work out, but every time I stopped taking something seriously it worked out. And that is what I learned this semester, nothing can't be fixed, never take anything too seriously, and if it is really suppose to work it always will.

While my beginning quote says to understand life we have to look at our past, I think it is important to end this post by saying "There's a reason your windshield is larger than your rear view mirror. It is more important to know where you are going than to look back at where you've been."

Study Break

It is great to have people in your life who are always exciting and have these great ideas for things to do, but there is something to be said about being able to do nothing with someone and still have a great time.
Tonight as a study break me and my boyfriend, Brandon, decided to drive around and look at Christmas lights. Since neither of us are from the area the adventure was a bit spreaded out. But we held hands, kissed at stop lights, and sang to music from his iPod. Literally everything from Scotty Doesn't Know to an amazing song called Feet. We talked about a mutual interest in water towers and rattled off random questions. And in those moments I learned not just things about him but things about us. And he will read this and think I'm crazy, but he already knows I am. His singing voice is incredibly attractive, despite what he says, I even tried to convince him to record a Christmas album. He has some deep country feel to it that would make any Kansas girl want to wrap into his arms. And after asking him a question and having identical answers, and this is where it might weird him out (so fair warning), I texted my roommate saying he's perfect. And you know he is. We didn't do much of anything. We wasted gas and saw small town Iowa. But he makes me laugh and he deals with my bullshit like a champ and sometimes that is really all a girl can ask for.

I Can't Stay Mad

I can't stay mad, it is almost impossible. As a kid if I fought with my sister I'd pout and slam doors and sit in my room and cry for five minutes and then I'd be in her room wanting to play and apologizing. Same goes when I was a teenager. I'd get in fights with my parents and storm to my room and cry and scream and slam doors (amazing how that never changed), and then five minutes later I would be making paper airplanes saying "I'm sorry" and flying them down the stairs for my parents to read.
I'm always the first to apologize, whether I was right or wrong, and always ALWAYS the first to cave.
This is why I always lose arguments.
I've always wondered why I am like this, why, no matter how important to me something is I'm willing to drop it and harbor my feelings silent then to wait out the storm of anger and be the last to apologize.
If you ask my mom? It is because I'm a people pleaser.
If you ask me? It is because I hold the relationship with the person on a higher pedestal than just winning a fight. It is because I have grown up watching fights causing people to leave, and have had relationships when every fight caused a break up. It is because the person I'm fighting with is more important than winning, because in fights no one ever truly wins.

Now which is true? Well the information in the second is all factual. But I think it is safe to say that my moms viewpoint is just the short way of saying my main problem.

Now, back to studying.

An Emotional Virgin

People lose their virginity at various ages, for various reasons and usually have various emotions about it. To some it is whatever, others cry. Some don't know the person they lost its to last name and other married the person and are living happily ever after. Losing your virginity is something that is a very personal thing, but for some "losing your virginity" is only physical, not emotional.
Casual sex is something that society has made more acceptable by producing movies like Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached. People seem to have sex with absolutely no emotion involved. At some point in life, unless you are a nun or priest, you lose your physical virginity. Something I would define as the actual act of having sex for the first time. The repeated thrusting and grunting we all experience at some point with someone. However, not all of us lose something I like to call your emotional virginity at the same time as this caveman like endeavor. I know I didn't. Your emotional virginity is so much more than your physical. It is having sex with someone you love and knowing they love you.
I can only speak so much of emotional virginity as I am still a holder of that card but I imagine I'm going to cry when it happens.
I can't imagine what being in love with someone you are having sex with is like. How backwards is that sentence? I guess when it comes to me talking about this subject of emotional virginity, it becomes something like a virgin talking about having sex, I'm the farthest thing from an expert. And to talk about something so deep and personally when I truly have never been in love is hard. But I can assume your emotional virginity is so much more than your physical, just like a kiss with out emotion is nothing compare to the electric kiss you experience when there is emotion. I can wish I waited, but I didn't, and I guess that is why people tell you you should, I know it is why I will tell my children too, if I ever do love someone. I'm envious of my roommate, my boyfriend, my friends that have had the connection with someone and lost that emotional virginity.
So I don't really know how to end this blog, because I'd like to think this isn't the end. So I guess I'll just leave you with some inspirational quote that is suppose to make me feel better.

True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away.

--Alicia Barnhart

Wasting Time

So this might be hard to believe since I basically blog about every day but sometimes I literally can't think of a single thing to talk about that is worth while. Some of you may argue nothing I say is worth while but then maybe you should stop reading this. So in an attempt to waste more time before studying I want to blog about something I briefly thought about a week ago. Don't worry it is a list.
I truly believe that there are somethings that everyone deserves to have in a relationship. So while driving to work one day (yes safe) I made a list on my phone and I'd like to share it with you.

Everyone deserves someone who is ....

• Always excited to see you. Whether it has been an hour or a year since the last time you were together. 
• Someone who knows your favorite color, food, flower, movie, type of music and all of those trivial things.
• Someone who is proud of you. Who wants to show you often and wants everyone to know that you are theirs and they are yours. 
• Someone who will hold your hand and kiss you in front of their friends. 
• Someone who will be goofy with you. 
• Someone who will be honest even if it causes a fight but who will fight without raising their voice or a hand and will never walk away. 
• Someone who wont go to bed angry. 
• Someone who hugs with both arms. 
• Someone they can't keep their hands off. 
• Someone who loves them when they are sad and happy. 
• Someone who can tell they are sad even when they refuse to say so. 
• Someone who respects you, your family, and your friends. 
• Someone who would never put you in an uncomfortable situation. 
• Someone who is faithful. 
• Someone who will take you home when you drank too much. 
• Someone who will hold your hair when you are sick and rub your back. 

These are just a few of the things everyone deserves. There are a lot of mediocre things in life, love shouldn't be one of them. 

Also for some reason I keep thinking about this blog I wrote awhile ago so if you are procrastinating like myself please, read up! (fair warning this may be my next blog)

A Letter To Me

Why Relationships Can Suck & Still Be Worth It

 "So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

--Tuesday's With Morie

We all have off days, we wake up late, forgot to do a paper, failed our last test and then dropped our computer on the floor. These days get exponentially worse when you drag someone else into your misery too. And that is just one reason being in a relationship can suck. Especially when you are a young adult and you are mostly worried about yourself and fail to see how one wrong text message can immediately alter someones mood for the rest of the day. But it does. And then your off day becomes your relationships off day. And you get stuck in this cycle for the rest of the day going back and forth with are you mad at me's, but you can't help it because everything else is going wrong today so of course this would too!
This is just one of the pitfalls to relationships. But there are many, you worry about another human's emotions, actions and thoughts. You get frustrated when you two don't always want the same thing or when something doesn't work out, you take out every emotion on them for no reasons, and you are paranoid that you aren't good enough. Relationships are one of the biggest confidence killers and boosters around. You have to realize you can't always win, there will be days you will say everything wrong and you just have to keep going and hope that it doesn't ruin everything you work for.
Relationships suck. A lot. But it is because they are hard, if it is easy it isn't worth it. You have to work at things every day and every day isn't going to be easy. But relationships are just like everything else, the more work you put in them the better they are.
Because relationships really are worth the effort both parties have to put in. So it is a troublesome to have to worry about someone elses well being, but isn't nice to know that someone is worrying about yours? And sometimes schedules don't match up and it gets frustrating but isn't nice to have someone who wants to see you as often as they can? And the blame gets placed where it shouldn't, and sometimes we yell at each other because of something totally unrelated, but we feel like we can do that because if we truly didn't want to be with each other we wouldn't be right? We can get in fights because we know that the other person isn't going to just pack their bags and leave before we even get the chance to say "I'm sorry."
I'm in a relationship and I wont lie and say we never fight or never misunderstand each other, in fact it is a cold day in hell if we can get through a day with out either of these things occurring, but on mornings like Tuesday, where I had only been awake for an hour and everything had gone wrong, it was nice to know I had someone to call, who not only at that moment cared about whether I was okay or not but twelve hours later still worried.
Relationships are worth every moment that you wanted to bang your head against the wall because you didn't understand, every time you wanted to call it quits and move on, and all the bad things we whine about every day. Because knowing that there is someone who can reciprocate the emotional tie you have to them and that they will be there for you even when you don't want them to be will always beat out those moments or days of frustration.

Things I Wont Ever Understand

Two blogs in one day but this one is because I'm antsy and I want to give my roommate some reading material for tomorrow morning.

So as I lay here watching infomercials I have developed a list of things I wont ever understand..

1. Forever lazy- seriously isn't this just like footie pajamas for adults. Wtf. 
2. Why 90 percent of drivers don't use turn signals and then get mad that someone wont let them over. Sorry, man who just flipped me off, I forgot to turn on my telepathic powers on today and didn't realize that you wanted over. Fuck you. 
3. People who use hashtags on twitter. 
4. The fact that my roommates lactose medicine is flavored vanilla ice cream, seriously?
5. Why it sounds like someone is having sex above me in my dorm room, but I live on the top floor? 
6. Also why the fuck does it sound like someone is trying to escape through my heating unit? 
7. & why is the school closing a road to re do it two weeks before winter break... seriously? 
8. Teacher salaries 
9. Why all girls think that if a guy talks to them he is hitting on them
10. Teachers who can't teach in their time frame. 
11. Why some girls want sex more than guys
12. Why some guys want to date girls... we are fucking crazy 
13. Why smokers are always looking for a lighter- shouldn't you be more prepared.
14. ATM machine. Automated teller machine machine... 
15. Weed is illegal and hasn't killed anyone but cigarettes are legal and well... 

Back to the Future

I've always believed that in order to be in a relationship with someone you needed to know and understand almost everything about them. However, upon entering college I realized how improbable this idea was when you haven't known the person since the first grade. It wasn't until recently that I realized it isn't really even that important to know much about their past unless it is going to effect your future together. I won't lie and say I can accept this fact with arms wide open, especially considering I am fairly open in what I have experienced, but it does make more sense. So, with help from my roommate, we have collaborated a list of five things that just aren't necessary to bring up in relationship.

1. Any of your ex's. Unless they gave you an STD, sit outside your window every night, or there's a chance they are going to try to off me, it isn't necessary to bring them up. 
2. That one time, with those one friends, when you did that one thing. Yes, we love hearing your stories, but we don't need to hear a variation of the same story every day. We get it you have friends.
3. Any of your sexcapades. Let us think we are the second (I'd like to know about the loss of your v card) and let us think we are the best. It may not be true but don't worry we know that too. Without it being said. 
4. We don't need to know every single thing you are doing. If you are doing laundry and a quarter rolls under the machine... that's great, but unless a clown on an unicycle comes wheeling in while you are getting it, I probably don't need to know.
5. We like knowing about your childhood, and we like seeing the photos of you as a child, but unless stories like the first time you rode your bike are more relevant to a situation. Please don't feel the need to tell it.

So lets be realist, something I am absolutely horrible at, if it isn't going to affect you and your new partner, if it doesn't mean you have to lie about something, and it isn't something that is going to pop up randomly later, then there probably isn't a need to mention it unless asked. This doesn't mean you shouldn't tell stories, that is always encouraged, but somethings just aren't necessary to discuss. Typically your significant other doesn't care when you took your first steps, or that ex you had who did that one thing in bed, as long as you tell them what is important that is all that matters.

Holy Rough Morning

It is said that we can create our own state of mind. After a rough morning filled with a lot of negative aspects instead of reflecting on those I want to reflect on the things and people in my life that make me happy. In psychology we talk about how smiling can make you happier simply because you smiled so maybe this will help. 

My family makes me happy, there are few people I know who go home to a family who congratulates you on how loud you can burp and will run around Walmart with you at midnight. They aren't just always there for me if I need them, they are there for me when I don't want them.
My roommate Sarah, and the girls on my floor and my sorority sisters make me happy. It is actually impossible for me to stay mad at any of them because they are all so goofy. I have never met a more respecting group of people or ones that were this loving.
My boyfriend makes me happy, even though he never believes me. I always thought it took a lot of effort to date me, and I'm sure if you asked him it probably does, but he doesn't ever turn his back on me (metaphorically of course, speaking in literal terms he does it all the time) even when I make outrageous comments. He doesn't always realize how much the little things mean to me like sneaking up on me in the dinning hall or sending me a text when he wakes up in the morning, but it is the little things that really make me crazy about him.
Peanut, yes my stuffed animal, makes me happy. He smells like home, although Sarah might try to argue he smells slightly different, and ever since I was five he is the only "boy" that has been there for me. It is a comfort thing, so what if it is childish, sue me.
Class getting cancelled is also pretty sweet, but I mean, no explaination needed.
Thunderstorms, rain and stars make me happy. If I could go hiking and spend all day outside in beautiful weather I would. I love the stars at night and have always been thankful I grew up somewhere where I could see them, and I love the smell of rain, the sound of thunder, and the feeling of rain on my skin. To me there has always been something liberating about nature.
Last, but of course not least, and this list could go on and on but I have another paper to write, so baking and photography make me happy. These topics are grouped together because they are both very theraputic for me, baking gives me a sense of purpose while photography gives me an outlet. I love driving around wasting gas to find places to take pictures and things to take pictures of, and can't wait for it to become warm so I don't have to freeze my ass off while doing it.

We can't always choose how everything happens in life, and we can't manipulate situations to benefit us and our loved once. But what we can do is realize that when the world gives us a reason to frown, there are a million of reasons to keep smiling.

On a side note: you should all donate and support research for both Cancer and Diabetes, give someone else another reason to smile by helping out.

For some reasons this song has always made me happy. I don't know if it is because it is associated with lazy days on the boat at Table Rock or what but enjoy :)

Like Crystal in a World of Glass

It has been a while since I have asked you guys a question, but I have one today, a big one. Now I'm going to voice my thought process and I don't want anyone to get upset or offended because I don't know what I'm talking about. I haven't and wont ever have had one of these experiences but I am experiencing the other. I need you guys to understand my perspective, just like I will try to understand yours. My question for you is if divorce affects children more than teenagers?

I have a friend whose parents got divorced when she was two and she always says that it had little to no impact on her. She has a very healthy relationship with her boyfriend of over a year and a good relationship with both parents. My argument, and again not trying to offend anyone because  I know divorce is a very situational family experience, is that it affects teenagers in a different, more scarring way.

I have been watching a relationship deteriorate for over 4 years, the marriage of my parents. There have been moments where I  truly believed, despite all the bad things in their relationship that have happened, they would still be together. Like last February when my father was in the hospital. But it doesn't work. My mom sleeps in a different room, and having my father tell me at dinner he just doesn't see this chapter of his life continuing after my sister graduates college and then I sat there and cried at Johnnys is a moment that could easily define my problems in relationships.

Love is suppose to be invincible, whether its Disney's fault or our parents, we all grow up believing that we will find that one person we love and live together and be happy. Love is suppose to win. As a child you don't fully understand marriage or all the bad things in the world, as a young adult you do and you have grown up to believe that it will all be okay as long as you have love. So when the love that was shared between the two people who brought you to life, the love that was used to make you and your siblings, that was suppose to last and not only be an example for you but for the family that we were told that you will make because of love, when that falls apart it hits you like when a rock hits a window. It shatters your heart. Because as young adults we know, that not everything works out, but that love is suppose to be the one thing that does.

And that is my argument. Because sometimes the break ups that break your heart the most aren't the ones from the relationship you were in but from the relationship that use to hold you together and taught you what love was.

Love was suppose to win. 

A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much when we do. Some hearts are more fragile than others. Purer, somehow. Like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful.
-Everwood

A Hospital for the Broken

This guy has some incredible videos. Here are just a few. 

Sexual Healing (my favorite)

Jesus Wins 

Why I Hate Religion (But Love Jesus)

The Thorn of Relationships

He who wants the rose must respect the thorn. 

I think we can all agree that one of the great things about living in America is our ability to have different opinions and support, change and voice them. However one thing that has always bothered me is the respect people show for others opinions. I would never suggest that we all should believe the same thing, that would be close minded, I'm open to any form of healthy discuss about any topic, until it gets personal. For example, I very openly support equal marriage rights for homosexual couples, part of this is because I have numerous people in my life, including a close relative, who are homosexual and because I love them I want them to be able to experience everything in life that heterosexual people can. This goes for marriage to allowing them to adopt children. This belief is the one I refuse to change. I believe that when the bible says for us to love everyone that is what we should do. 

But this isn't about my stance on gay marriage. This is about my stance on respect. We will never meet someone whose beliefs are identical to ours in every way, and we shouldn't. We should never become that alike. But respecting someone is a totally different thing then agreeing with them. I will never ask someone to change their opinion, I will never not be friends with someone because of their opinion, unless of course they are some arrogant ass who can't seem to shut up about them. But if someone can't respect my views like I respect theirs than I simply can't associate with that person. Back to the example of gay marriage. I can tolerate someone not believing they should get married (if they have a reason) but if they can't respect the individual who I love so dearly just because they are gay, then that isn't going to work. I'll respect you and the people in your life despite my beliefs if you can reciprocate.

It goes back to the quote I began this blog with. In order to have the rose you have to respect the thorn. You are going to meet people who are beautiful inside and out during your life, but you aren't going to always agree with what they believe. But as the quote says, in order to have them you have to respect the things that come with them. 

For The First Time

As I have more relationship one of the things I regret the most is that amount of "first" I can have with someone. That one thing i can have that is just between me & him. But the restrictions that come with this isn't just because of me but also the guy. I believe that society has a lot to do with this. As a whole premarital sex isn't that big of a deal anymore. I hear girls almost every Saturday  or Sunday morning talking about the random guy they hooked up with the night before and I wont lie, I have been that girl. After a conversation with my mom over break however I realize how we run out of things to give to someone. We do our first time holding hands, our first kiss, our first I love you, our first time having sex & then after that comes ways of having sex, places, meeting someone's parents or going on an over night trip with them for a weekend. All of these moments and then you slowly run out. You meet the one and you can't have these shared first together because for everything listed one of you has already done it. it isn't that it makes the moments less significant but isn't it nice to think about the moments you two only share together and with no one else.
I'm not saying that the number of first you have together is any measure of your relationship and my rant could possibly just be a product of my craziness. What I am saying is that sometimes sharing moments of first can bond you together even long after the relationship has ended. You have those moments to look back on that will always be yours, you have each become a part of each others history forever.  For example I talked to my first kiss for the first time since middle school. It was nice to catch up, to see where each other was and were we each wanted to go. We talked about old times and while there were no romantic feelings left between me and him we still have a bond that I can look back on fondly.
I'm all about living in the moment but am I the only person who is afraid of running out of first. Afraid of meeting that one person and having to tell them that I will always love them but I can't give them anything that somebody else hasn't already had?
Maybe I am. But maybe it is something we should all be worried about.

Confessions of a Rebound

To be the rebound girl you have to have certain qualities to keep yourself from getting over involved, trust me I speak from experience. There have been numerous times I have been the rebound but have tried to convince myself that wasn't the case. After a few years of being the girl that sends boys running back to their exes or springing them forward into new ones, I'd like to think it becomes more of a science than anything else.
First off you can't fall in love, can't even think the word, use it or even a word that rhymes with it. If you start to think you might maybe love this dude then you need to peace the fuck out, because you have just lost all ability to be his rebound. Also don't ever make the mistake of thinking you are his only option. You aren't. He will prove this when he goes back to the girl or gets in a serious relationship two weeks after he kicks your ass to the curb.
Most importantly, you are for fun! Don't forget that, just because this wont end how you want it to doesn't mean you get to be a bitch the entire time. You are suppose to be fun. Don't evoke fights and don't ever EVER tell him what he can and cannot do.
As the rebound you have no right to sleepover or ask him to sleepover and you have no right to leave anything in his room. Once you are done doing your rebound duties you exchange small talk grab ALL your stuff and leave. No reason to make anything awkward but don't just hang around, if he wants you to stay then do.
As a rebound you don't just satisfy sexual need, because then you'd just be a FWB, but you also have to study together, eat together and talk. Meaning you have to be there when he is drunk and crying to when he is stressed and being an ass because of a test. You fulfill all the duties of a girlfriend without being the girlfriend. A rebound can go anywhere from a week to 6 months, don't think just because you've been around for awhile you aren't still the rebound. Trust me. You are.
You have to be hard as rocks. You can't let little comments shake you and you have to know when to bow out without getting hurt. If you don't you are no longer the rebound but the wanna be. There is nothing harder than following in the foot steps of some great girl, but someone has to do it. As the rebound you pave the way for his healing heart, show him there are good girls out there (no not you, although you are fabulous) and then set him free.
It is a tough job, but someone has to do it.

& I Couldn't Ask For More

On Tuesday Maddi came home with so many thanksgiving crafts it was ridiculous. One of them was a picture of five people with the caption of "I am thankful for my family." When I asked her who the fifth person was (their family only has four) she looked at me like I had just asked the dumbest question possible and said "Well I couldn't forget you goony."
I proceeded to ask both Maddi and Mason what they were grateful for and I got the answers I was expecting: family, friends, hockey and Maddi said corn. On my drive home that night I reflected on the things in my life that I take advantage of every day. There is a quote I came across saying "Imagine if today you woke up with everything you thanked God for yesterday." Now as I sit here watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and my mom makes breakfast, I'd like to share with you an oh so typically blog post about 10 things I am thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for each and every person that has affected my life. This being my family, friends, Theta sisters, my wonderful roommate, my boyfriend, and the soldiers that fight for our country. But it also includes the people who broke my heart, got me in trouble and have irritated me by questioning my beliefs. I'm especially thankful for you. The challenges I have faced from my encounter with you has made me stronger than all the love in the world ever could have. 
2. I'm thankful for the 6,935 chances I have received in life. Every morning is a chance to change something. You are never the same person from day to day and I'm thankful for every morning I've woken up and have been given this chance. 
3. I'm thankful for self expression. Dance has always been a large part of my life and writing this blog has become a way of healthy expression. We are all truly blessed to live somewhere where we can express ourselves in anyway (legally) we deem fit. 
4. I'm thankful for my education. Not only do I get to experience Drake Relays, a wonderful sorority, and crazy crazy weekends, but I also receive a spectacular education. Not everyone in the world can say that and I can't wait to use it to benefit others. 
5. I am thankful for how I was raised. I never didn't feel loved, I was raised in an environment where I could develop my own opinions and was constantly reminded of those worse off than me. I was taught the importance of helping others and not to trust anyone. But more importantly, I'm thankful that I was loved at my worst, in the past, present and in the future.
6. I'm thankful for my religion. It has brought me closer to my grandparents and has allowed me comfort in times when it is hard to believe there is any good in the world. It hasn't always been a large part of my life but with the development of its importance through out the years I'm thankful for each sermon I have heard and each Sunday morning, for the hour I feel closest to truly being me. 
7. I am thankful for differing opinions. For without them we would all be the same. And without the arguments that sometime come from them, my opinions wouldn't be as strong as they are. 
8. I am thankful for support. It takes a lot of help to recover from self injury and I'm thankful for those who have always offered a  helpful hand even when they don't understand. But I'm not just thankful for the support I receive but the support we can all give to each other. Whether it is after receiving a bad grade or bad news, sometimes just having someone being there is enough to be thankful for. Never having to go through anything alone.
9. I am thankful for being young and stupid. For having more time to make mistakes and to realize that the things that happen aren't the end of the world and that I have time to recover. Each broken heart, bad grade or ticket isn't ever going to define me as a person but just get my closer to where I truly am suppose to be. 
10. I am thankful for peoples ability to hold on to what little innocence is left. It could be something as simple as choosing hot chocolate over coffee or flying a kite and coloring. In a world were the average grade to lose your virginity is in the 8th grade, it is refreshing to know that all hope isn't lost. 

So Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy the holiday and be thankful for who you are and how you've become that way, from the good to the bad.

The Elephant in the Room

If I could describe my mood in a song it would be My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer. After a weekend of drinking, swimming and all sorts of stupid events I have found that I once again have said too much.
It is a problem I have always had, I think it's actually why I have my blog and why maybe I should be the only one able to read it sometimes. I ramble, I become desperate for something to say and then when I say it, it is so dumb. But I guess that is why they say think before you speak, right? You can't take back things you have said no matter how hard you try.
So then what do you do?
As I lay here in my bed nearing the hour of 3 AM, I reflect on my choices. I went from fairly harmless, to totally tragic in about a tequila sunrise and a half. From blabbing something about someone not knowing I was on speaker phone, to confessing my love before I was ready, or even drunk texting my mom about boys, you would've thought I was the newest sports car by how fast I went from zero to fucked.
But I've slowly come to the conclusion you have to move on. Apologize for what you said if necessary, blame the alcohol, the situation or just take full ownership. Either way you have to realize that people don't always think things through. If someone is willing to judge you enough that they change their entire perspective on you by one stupid thing you said then chances are they shouldn't have ever been your friend in the first place (unless of course you meant what you said in which case..) & I will be the first to say that I need to change my ways too. I need to be less loose with my thoughts, which again should be another reason this blog because just for me.
As much as I wish I could go back to friday and saturday night and change what I did and how I dealt with situations I can't. And unless I address them it is always going to feel like there is an elephant in the room.
Live & learn. My stupid mouth.

Say What You Need To Say

Alright, my roommate does these all the time and it has been a while since I've done one. So here goes nothing. Although, I'm not saying who is who. Only three people read this blog, you can figure it out.

10 Things to 10 People

1. I feel like ever since I went to college this year we have grown apart. You never answer my phone calls and every time you do it is like once we get through the basics we have nothing to talk about. You've been my best friend for years and it scares me to think that you may think I don't need you like I use to when really I need you now more than ever.
   
2. We have become so close in the past year. I can talk to you about almost anything and you have been giving some kick ass advice lately. But I wish you took better care of yourself. I get nervous when I wake up to texts about your coughing or other things. I know you can't stop with the beer but you know you have a problem too. I just wish you would let us help you. I have to talk to you about it in a few days and while I'm scared and I don't know what I'm going to say I know if I don't I'll regret it once it is too late.
   
3. There has been such a huge change in the dynamic of our friendship since freshman year. I don't know if it is because we realize this is our last year living together, or that we both have kind of started to take different paths. We can't go to every class together or lay in bed all day. We both have jobs, boyfriends (ish), different classes and different organizations which has def changed our social scene. But I am so grateful for the friendship we have been able to maintain. I can still have awkward conversations with you about anything. If this year is teaching me anything it isn't that we are going to grow apart, it's that even though we will be apart we will still be friends. Who else can I talk to about period sex or faking orgasms with?
   
4. You have become such a hypocritical bitch this year. Okay so your major is hard, change it. You don't want people to grab your boobs? Don't go out in what you wear. I get it you have a boyfriend, so instead of flirting with the Fiji at dinner maybe you should start acting like it.
   
5. It is crazy when I look back on how long we have known each other and compare it to how our relationship is now. I absolutely adore you. I love everything about you and really hope this whole thing can work out. I know I'm absolutely crazy sometimes and I truly am working on it. I love that you can open up to me about anything and that we have already worked through so much. You are really special to me. I know we both get self conscious but you really are handsome and fantastic and anything I could've ever asked for in a guy. So promise me something. Don't break my heart?
   
6. I don't know why after all these years you texting or calling me is still one of the most puzzling occurrences. You have really grown up, and I know your life hasn't gone as planned but you are at least making something of yourself. While I tell myself the dinner in summer was a bad idea, in some ways it helped me realized two things. One: Why we broke up and why I am oh so glad we did & two: Despite my subtle hatred for you, I will always care about how you are and what you are doing.
   
7. I'm glad you are happy. I don't know if you believe me when I tell you, but I am. It is incredible how it doesn't hurt to talk to you anymore after everything has changed. I'm so happy that you are comfortable with who you are and you have found someone that you like. I wish you would stop talking to you know who because I think all he is going to do is fuck things up. I love you forever. I'm so glad you are always there for me, from giving me advice to spell checking my papers. You are the best.
   
8. I just want you to realize that you are beautiful. That you will never get what you deserve from a boy. You have been my role model for years and when I think back to all the time we spent together from crying to laughing to hiding I realize that you have made me a better person. I am forever changed because I know you and I'm internally grateful for that. When I think about some of the things I endured that I never spoke up about it hurts me that it could've happened to you because I wasn't courageous enough. But I guess I will never know. I love you, to the moon and back a million times.
   
9. I love you, really I couldn't ask for a better friend sometimes. You are always honest and give me a reality check when I need it. But you need to know that you have to calm down on the harshness of some of the things you say. In your case it isn't always what you are saying but the way you say it that is the problem, and I really believe it is going to disrupt any future success you hope to have.
   
10. You need to get your act together. I love you but you have made some awful decisions in your life and they are affecting me and our family. You are old enough that you need to be able to support yourself. So stop acting like you are 15, because no one has any interest in taking care of you.

Let's Get Physical

I have a test, two papers, a lesson plan, and a project due in the next two days. So naturally I'm going to blog, I'll call it my third stress reliever of the day. Yup third. Before you start reading this blog I want to warn you, its fairly open. You may disagree with some of my life decisions, so I'm here to tell you I don't care. If you can't handle reading about premarital sex, especially partaining to me, then stop here. 

Seriously.

We have all heard the saying too much of a good thing is bad. For awhile I didn't believe that this was even possible, until I drank too much water and was vom bombing in the bathroom at subway. What I never planned on believing was that something that was meant to bring people together could drive them apart.

Sex is meant to build a connection, ideal it is suppose to be something that is saved for marriage and it will be a bond that connects you two together for the rest of your life. This belief has seemingly become "old fashion" which sometimes makes me wonder if there is a connection between the new belief of premarital casual sex and divorce rates. But beside the point. When I  lost my virginity it was to someone I cared about, but honestly never could see my self with in the long run. And we had sex, all the time. What became something that was suppose to connect us, to make me feel closer to him, became a stress reliever, an every day thing. And after me and Romeo parted I thought it was alright that I wanted to have sex often, even though society believes that girls have zero libido. But it became evident that sex was becoming the only thing I could give, and sex isn't suppose to be a gift. It is suppose to be something that is earned, and cherished and all that bullshit you learn from your parents and church or temple. That bullshit ends up being true. 

So in here is where my problem lies. I never viewed sex as a privilege. I never thought about how I should let the other person earn it and realize that I am special because I always thought that in some way I deserved to be loved like that, even if just a few times, before the guy deserved it. And sex begins to lose meaning. And I'm finding this true to happen in my relationships. I like sex, call me a nympho, but I think it is fun. I'd would prefer to bone then go to the gym as my work out, and I always feel physically great after. But maybe something I was missing is that when it is the right guy, having sex all the time begins to lose meaning. It isn't as special. And one of my biggest fears is that it will become boring. 

One of my favorite movie quotes is from Love & Sex. Adam and Kate are discussing how after awhile saying I love you loses meaning, and becomes almost like saying I cheese sandwich you. It means nothing. 

That is my biggest fear that one day I wont be able to express how I feel because stating my emotions will lose meaning, and physically showing them will too. I don't ever want my boyfriend to feel like I just want to have sex and that it is meaningless, and maybe the only way to do that is to realize that sometimes too much of a good thing is bad. 

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Like many of you know today is Veterans day, and while we pay tribute to our armed forces I would like to give special recognition to a good friend of mine. Like any relationship we have had our ups and downs, and most of them I can't remember. But last night was our last hurrah for a while. Or at least until 2012.
Yes, I am talking about Dublin. Rather it was nights (cough days) like freshman year Halloween when it forced me to get sick in the middle of the commons or like the night it granted me the opportunity of touching RB's boobs it has always been there for me when I was thirsty beyond belief on a Thursday. And while last night was a blur past ten, I'd like to pay tribute to my dearest friend by counting the 10 things I have learned from our a little over a year friendship.

1. Dublin makes me love everyone. EVERYONE. You spill my drink, I still love you. You dance rape me, I still love you. 
2. I have learned what it would feel like to be an extra in porn. Yes, people having sex in the corner, I can see you. 
3. On thursdays if you dump your ice out in the garbage can you get more drank.
4. You can also dump in on the floor and watch bitches fall (Cough cough sarah dropping our PMAC last year)
5. The bruises I wake up with aren't from dancing. They are from slipping and falling on the floor. 
6. You can get laid every time you go to Dublin. Every. Time. 
7. There is never toilet paper. But there is always some drunk girl in the bathroom passing out napkins. 
8. Dublin has a weird power over me and my roommate. 
9. It is acceptable to wear anything from an outfit that would make your grandma proud to an outfit that would make Hugh Hefner roll over in his grave (ha joking. He isn't dead yet.) 
10. Nothing is ever a big deal. Law suits? We will be open in a month. Busted last night? See  you at 8 P.M

There is something to be said about a place where you know everyone. Where being the first girl there isn't a bad thing and being off your ass by 11 is never frown upon. I had my first make out spree, my first cigarette, and my first id taken away there. From kissing girls for shots to dancing with my psych lab professor or my orientation leader, I made some of the best memories I will never remember at this fine establishment, see you in 2012 buddy. 

Sweet Dreams

Like most girls I have a series of test I use to tell if I am comfortable around someone. I've had people tell me its weird, but I think it is very important for you to be able to sleep around the people you keep company with. I have had boyfriends or even friends that I'm too nervous to fall asleep around because I feel like I have to entertain them or I can't stay asleep just because my body and mind can't calm down.
This is a major problem.
My first experience with sleeping next to someone was essentially my roommate. After years of sleeping in my own room I was shoved into a 15 by 15 foot space with a stranger who one the first night told me she was almost suspended in fourth grade for sexual harassment. It is like colleges are asking you to get raped or killed upon entrance. 
Not saying that any of those things happened with her. Surprisingly enough the lovely Sarah has not only provided some excellent pillow talk but she can be a damn good cuddlier too. Yes. You heard me, we have slept in the same bed. But there has never been a time when I couldn't sleep with her there, there have been times where she has been gone and I can't fall asleep at all.
Then there was this phase with a boy. Who for the life of me I couldn't sleep next to. He was either sweating too much (yes just as sick as it sounds), or took up too much of the bed , or couldn't touch me at all in his sleep (this is a major problem with me when it comes to relationships, ask any of my ex boyfriends, I love to be touched). Needless to say this boy didn't last long. A few uncomfortable nights on the futon and he was told to GTFO.
So in my test, when I can sleep by someone and want to sleep by them again, when I can wake up in the morning and not want to crawl out of my skin because I'm covered in their sweat, or the person is still holding me just like the night before or having to get up and leave sounds like the most unappealing thing since the time my mom made brussel sprouts for dinner. Well this person is a winner.
There is that quote from Dr. Seuss "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." And for me, to an extent, it's true. I know that when I sleep next to someone I really like I sleep better, I'm comforted with the fact that when I wake up they will still be there. And when I sleep with out them I miss them or wake up a lot through out the night to respond to a message to said person.
Yes, I think it is important that the person can make you laugh, you can do crazy stuff together or do absolutely nothing together. I think it is important you are comfortable enough for them to see you with out make up on and in sweats, or that you can change in front of them. But if you can't sleep beside each other, not talking or having sex but just sleeping, then how can you say you really are comfortable?

 

Daddy's Girl

I don't think there's anything more important than making peace before it's too late. & it almost always falls to the child to try to move toward the parent. 

-- Jane Fonda

When I was in 5th grade I started having these very graphic and violent thoughts of my family dying, of my house catching on fire, of someone breaking into my house and killing me. Until I was in 8th grade I would lay in bed late at night and pretend I was reasoning with the robber so I could think of ways to control them. Ridiculous? Very. Did I ever get to practice these bizarre scenarios? No. 

This is when I became obsessed with the idea of pretending like every moment is your last.

It is arguable that we all have moments, where we realize how fragile life can really be, but how do you make someone else realize how fragile their life is, especially when it is at risk? 

My dad is diabetic, has been since he was 30. My family does the Walk to Cure Diabetes and I have seen my dad give himself shots after every meal for as long as I can remember. He coughs a lot, and at age 48 was in the hospital due to diabetic ketoacidosis.

My grandpa is diabetic. He has had a heart attack or stroke almost every year since I was in fourth grade, but he's first one was when he was fifty. He coughs, he shakes, he can't stand up on his own. He is 76. 

It is scary that my dad and my grandpa who are thirty years apart have so much in common health wise. After my dad left his week long stay in the hospitals intensive care unit he had to start seeing a diabetic doctor who helps him figure out what he can eat and when he should take his shots. I've never been more aware of the way my dad walks, stands, talks, coughs, or shakes then I am now. He was instructed not to drink more than one beer every so often with a meal. And for awhile it worked. Instead of beer and vodka our refrigerator had diet coke and green tea (and wine but that was for mom). And then he started his pattern again. A beer in the basement, one in the bathroom, one in the garage (or more), and one in the kitchen. 

The past few mornings I have received messages from my sister asking about dads cough, or he sounded like he was throwing up, or "was he face paler before he got sick?". This morning I got one informing me that he was back to drinking before work too. 

How do you make someone value their life as much as you do? 

My mom makes comments all the time about how I need to learn to accept the fact he wont be there for my graduation, my wedding, my kids. Every day these becomes more and more real.

So for once, I don't have an answer. So you tell me. 

How do I make my dad realize how fragile his life is, and how much I need him around? 

My Paper Heart

I'm not crazy. Or I am, but I would consider it more damaged. I've been bruised and broken, emotionally and physically. The best example I can give is a piece of paper. When you take it out for the first time, when the first person holds it it's clean and pure. Then it goes through the printer, the shredder, gets coffee split on it, your baby brother eats some of it, it gets crumpled and ripped and eventually tossed.
I fell in love for the first time when I was 15. I was fairly innocent and looked at this boy as my future, my forever. I know, I know but I wasn't always as cynical as I appear to be now. It took me years to tell him I loved him, and once I did I couldn't say it enough. But when he broke my heart, less than a year ago, my heart became that paper, and upon picking myself up out of the trash I built a wall that was suppose to protect me from all the bad guys of the world.
Unfortunately, bad guys seemed to be my thing.
And the damage continued, my trust in the male part of our world was nearly nonexistent and I started to believe that, just like Topanga from Boy Meets World, men should live under ground and only be brought out for breeding purposes. Call it daddy issues, and maybe in a few years you will be tucking dollar bills into my thong, but its deeper rooted than that.
When you first fall in love you believe that no one could ever love you the way they did, and you could never love someone more than that person. But your first love is easy. It is easy to love someone who is innocent and pure. Loving someone becomes harder the older you get, the more relationships you have, the longer you have to realize that life really does kick you in the ass. Because then you aren't loving someone who is pure and baggage free, you are falling in love with someone who is damaged or crazy. Who will over react to situations because "it has happened to them before" because it is easier to believe that everyone will hurt you instead of the fact that maybe there are good, nice guys out there. And maybe, just maybe, being the crazy one, the one who stopped believing in the truth, and that someone would actually find them to be enough, wont matter anymore. Because maybe, just maybe, you are falling in love too.
Right? Can we take our paper out of the trash and iron it out, and not only accept the coffee stains and rips but have someone else accept them too, to have someone else love us despite of them. To fall in love despite of the evidence you are damaged, and "crazy".
Is it possible that you fall in love quicker once you know what it feels like? This almost goes along with my last post about how life speeds up the older you get. Can the damage not hold you back but maybe make you fall easier? Faster? Harder? Is it because you know that this is what it feels like? or is it because you know if it falls apart you will be able to rebuild?
Why is it we fall in love quicker the more experienced we become?
Why is it that I have to catch myself before I say "love me!" or before I slip out the phrase "I think love you"?
It's because I'm damaged, because I'm crazy.
I think I may be falling in love with you.
There I wrote it.

Life In The Fast Lane

Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip it over and start again
Take every breathe God gives you for what it's worth
Don't Blink

-- Kenny Chesney

Something I notice more as life goes on is that each day, month and year go by faster than the previous one. But life seems to move like this in more aspects than time. Upon coming to school I entered this "relationship" before labor day even happened. We went from studying together, to talking, to grabbing meals together, to spending a few nights together, to literally living with each other in a matter of days. About a month later it was over. And that is how I saw a lot of things happen relationship wise around campus. People would start dating and all of a sudden they were attached at the hip. I'm guilty of wanting to spend an ungodly amount of time with the person I like but why is it that college brings this change? Are we so desperate to grow up, to have some bragging story to tell to our buddies back home, or just someone to bring home for a weekend?
Is that we think we are suppose to do? So we don't have parents around to tell us what to do, so I'm going to sleep in my boyfriends bed every night. Because these things are new, being able to eat, study, drink and sleep next to the same person uninterrupted (unless of course you go to class occasionally), do we feel like we have to be doing them constantly? Or do we just really have the desire to be there all the time? Is it the feeling of being in their arms that makes you want to sleep there? What is our motivation for having these relationship on fast forward?
Everything comes fast in college; test, weight gain, drugs, alcohol and sex. But is it possible that emotions do as well? That beneath the on going struggle of text books and the haze of a black out we aren't just rebelling but actually caring for another human faster than we thought was possible. At a time in our lives were we are suppose to be selfish, slutty and irresponsible, is falling in love something that can actually happen?

I Love You But I Hate You

*Brought to you by Thought Catalog- Ryan O'Connell*

If you love someone, you run the risk of not loving them one day. You run the risk of seeing them in a grocery store years later and hiding behind the display of bananas so you won’t have to say anything to them and pretend that the love never happened. It’s funny, isn’t it? When you run into someone like your childhood best friend (the one you haven’t seen in years, the one who became a Christian and has a Coach bag), you say hello. You hug, quickly find out what they’re doing with their life, if they’re happy, and then you move on. Sure, it’s awkward, and there might be a temporary ache in your chest afterwards (time can be unkind) but you acknowledge them, you pay tribute with a smile, a hug, a “How are you doing?”
With the people you once loved, the people that once had an all-access pass to the most intimate details of your life, you sometimes can’t pay tribute. You can’t ask them about their work, their travels, or god forbid, their family. Your mind can’t process it. They can only exist in black and white; they can either be everything or nothing. You say hello to the person you played with when you were five, and ignore the person whose cum you swallowed, who once cried to you in a cab because everything was going wrong and oh my god, you wanted to help them, wanted to save them.
Who do we hold on to and who do we force ourselves to forget? The hardest thing about love often seems to be the extremes. How quickly it can go from “hold me through the night” to “get fuck off of me.” One day you’re in a hotel gift shop with the person you love and you look over at them and start to see different things, things you wish you were never able to see. This is the beginning of the end, the beginning of “get the fuck off of me.” You know in that moment that you’ll be ignoring them five years from now in a grocery store.
You always have the ability to hate someone you love. Hate is passion just like love is passion. You must know this when you sign the love contract. “I hereby acknowledge that loving you carries the potential for disaster. I hereby acknowledge the possibility of hating your fucking guts!!!” Will this stop anyone from loving? More importantly, should it? No.
In a way, hate can be the best compliment next to love. Because the second you’re able to come up to your ex in that grocery store or on the street, you’ve healed and moved on.  The love exists now in a healthy compartment in your brain or not at all. This is all very well and good, but it also means that it’s truly done. Technically, this is what’s supposed to happen. This is the path you’re supposed to be on. But losing the passion can sometimes be the hardest thing to give up. Holding on to feelings, whether it’s love or hate, reminds you that you’re still alive and that the relationship happened. Or something.

Love is Like Walmart, It's Stressful

Sometimes doing the easy thing isn't right, sometimes doing the right thing isn't easy. 

I'll be the first to tell you I'm not an angel. In fact on Judgement day I half expect God to look, laugh and press a button dropping me off his cloud. I will tell you that I'm pretty damn honest though. If I don't like you, if I don't like something you did or something you said it is typically pretty easy to find out. However, even though I'm honest, I have a tendency of doing the easy thing instead of the right one. 

Rather it was weathering the storm of a bad relationship to ease social standings or picking college algebra over AP Calculus senior year, the easy way out was the only way out in my world. 

So the question I pose today is, if the right thing hurts someone, but doing the easy thing does too, then which do you choose? 

Well don't worry, your intellectual answers aren't necessary, because I kind of already answered it my self. After about a month of deliberation I've choose the right thing is better. It is actually always better. While choosing the right thing hurt one person, that person will be fine, if I had choose the easy way I would've been hurting everyone involved including myself. And in the end it isn't about what was easy, it is about what feels right. At the end of the day I'm the only one who has to live with my decision, so why not choose the one that makes me happy? 

I may be selfish, impatient, manipulative, or simply a bitch but at least I know I'm honest, and I rather be called a bitch than a liar any day. 

It wasn't easy to do the right thing, but nothing in life that is worth having is.

PS The title of this blog post was inspired by the most brilliant man I know, my daddy.